A little madness

Hello, good morning, happy holidays, and every other appropriate greeting. First and foremost, I want to wish my dad a very happy 60th birthday today. It seems like only yesterday that he was 59. Man, time flies. As my brother and I told my dad at his birthday roast, 60 is the new 50...if by "new" we mean "the same, but waaaaaaaay older." In truth, I can't believe how young 60 is now. I'm sure it was the same for each of you, but 60 (and even 50) seemed so ancient to me when I was a kid. Hell, even 40 seemed old back then and used to be "over the hill." That's nothing now. Anyway, happy birthday Pop. I'm sorry I was calling you and old geezer 20 years ago when you're just now deserving of that moniker.

So we had the annual Klein Christmas Party Extravaganza since I last wrote. I mentioned that I would be full of Aunt Lynn's kick-ass spicy chicken casserole thingy, and I did not lie. In fact, since I mentioned how much I loved it in the blog, she brought me a special container of the casserole just for me. Ah, the lure of publicity. By the way, Aunt Lynn, I just love your new high def t.v.

The annual grab bag was fun as always, even though I didn't manage to get number one this time. I still don't know how that happened. My lovely wife ended up with one of the best gifts (a dvd player of all things in the $15 range), and I got a cool little digital picture holder gadget thing. If I may be so bold, I think the highlight of the event was from a gift that we brought. I'll give you a little play-by-play to set the scene, and then I'll explain afterwards.

Early in the game, it was longtime-family-friend Doug's turn to either pick from the table or steal from someone. He studied the table and selected one of the gifts that my lovely wife and I had brought. (Nothing is labeled, by the way, so he had no knowledge of who brought what.) He opened it and was delighted to find a cool one-touch wine bottle opener thing. We aren't sure how it works, but it looks cool and says you just have to push a button for this thing to open your wine. He liked it, and if he had his druthers, he wanted to hold onto it for the whole game. Others liked it too, however, and it was stolen from him just a couple of turns later. The maximum number of steals for that round had already occurred, so he had to pick from the table again. There, amongst the rest of the gifts, he spied one in the same wrapping paper as the one he previously selected. I knew he had made that connection, and I cringed just a little as he reached for it.

Doug opened the gift, peered into the bag that had been hiding under the paper, and then pulled out a teddy bear. But wait, there was something attached to it by means of a rubber band. It looked like...a remote of some kind. Being the investigative type, Doug pushed the lone button on the little remote, and the bear responded by ripping an electronic fart. He did it again to make sure he heard it correctly, and that's when the confused faces started showing up. Yes, I brought a farting bear. Allow me to explain: we've had a dozen throw rugs, two dozen candles, and a few handfuls of little electronic gadgets over the years. I felt it was time to shake things up a little and introduce the element of surprise to the game. Well, technically, that element was already there, so I introduced "dismayed surprise." My abso-f'n-lutely adorable nephew Shawn loved pushing the bear's button over and over again, and that made it worth the confused looks. In the end, my Grandma Mu stole the bear from Doug so that Shawn could keep it and Doug could get something he wanted more than a farting teddy bear. He ended up with the wine opener, so no harm no foul.

I was shocked by two things from that entire experience. First, I can't believe that my lovely wife agreed to have that gift represent us. She agreed that it would be very funny to see someone open it and watch him figure out what the remote did. Second, I thought the gift would piss my mom off a little since it was clearly something no one would want to end up with. She just smiled and shook her head though, resigned to the fact that she created a strange individual who occasionally does strange things. Overall, it was a fun time, and I already have my eye on a gift for next year. Everyone likes He-Man action figures, right?

Over the course of the last two weeks, I've had Chinese food four times. It just happens. In any case, these eating sessions reminded me that in my year-plus of this blogspedition, I haven't yet written about the goldmine that is...the fortune cookie. More specifically, I mean the fortune proper inside the cookie. I only remember (or kept) three of the four fortunes. With two of the three, the fortunes just didn't make enough sense. "The calling that has sounded will not be the lasting call," one told me. Ok, I'll be sure to keep an ear out for the soundings of the lasting calls instead of those of the silly non-lasting variety. The other read, "Good opportunities: make up your mind to grasp the next." I think someone needs some syntax and subject-verb agreement lessons. The third one told me, "Some say hope is nowhere; others say hope is now here." My response was, "Yeah, right, like Confucius sat around making puns in English."

Throughout my life, I've always made a point of reading my fortunes, specifically to see if they'd either make me laugh or anger me. I haven't been too disappointed. There was a time in which every cookie I opened had something closer to a description of personality traits than what you would call a fortune. "You are good at sports," one told me. What the hell kind of "fortune" is that crap? I remember three in particular that have stood out through the years. The first one came from when I was in high school: "A little madness, a little kindness, makes for happiness." I put it in my wallet and kept it there for years and years, mainly because I was a teen and no one could possibly understand my complexity. The second one said, "You are the man and your word is law." I remember opening that one and saying, "Um, mom, I think I got yours by accident." And lastly, I once got this fortune that cracked my shit up: "You have tasted the bitterness and the sweetness of coffee." How did they know? I really found that funny, because the last thing I was expecting at the end of that phrase was "of coffee." I taped that to my monitor at work, and there it remained for my entire career at UCSB. I think it may be in that one unpacked box of office stuff still. If so, it needs to come out again and show the world all of its gloriousness. (Oh sure, some would've just said "glory" there, but they're probably the same kind of people who think before they type. Weirdos.)

I was in Blockbuster a few weeks ago, and I had to text myself something I heard a woman say to her husband: "Get a fucking love story then. Crap, I don't know any of this shit!" After that, they got in line right behind me. I didn't see what they ended up selecting, but I couldn't help but notice that the woman was practically standing right on me. I tried subtly moving a little closer to the person in front of me, and she moved too. I was very uncomfortable, especially since she spent that entire time yelling at her kid to stop touching the candy bars. I'm sure they had a lovely evening.

I have a serious question, and unfortunately, it's one that I don't think will ever be answered. When I have a dream and there are strangers there, from where did my mind come up with those faces? Are they people I've passed on the street before, or did I just randomly assemble facial features into a combination that looks unfamiliar? I've wondered this for a long time, and it comes up now because I had a weird dream this week that had some strangers in it. Greg (The Pigh) and I were being tailed - poorly - by FBI agents. They were so bad at being inconspicuous that we were openly laughing at their attempts. One even came up to Greg with a piece of paper and asked if they had the correct spelling of his Hebrew name. Way to stay undercover, guys. We knew that we hadn't done anything wrong, so we weren't paranoid at all. On the contrary, we started making things up because we knew they were listening to us. "So I took the diamond," I told him in fake-hushed tones, "and I hid it in my ass." We laughed for a while about that one. When I woke up and remembered that part, I realized what a stupid lie that was, since it would almost certainly lead to a cavity search. That reminds me, I need to make a dentist appointment.

I have another very serious question, but I hold out hope that one of you may know someone who knows someone who can answer it. When my lovely wife and I were in Mexico last May, we stopped by the little store in town to get some food for the week. I don't typically eat breakfast at all (besides the vital life juice called coffee that flows through my veins and turns me from a zombie to a functional member of society), but I find that I often change that up on vacations. We stopped by the refrigerated section to look at the yogurt. (I'm sorry, but I need to insert a side note here. "Refrigerator" doesn't have a D in it? "Fridge" does! We add a letter when abbreviating? What's up with that shit? It makes the correct sound just fine in the whole version of the word without the D, but someone somewhere thought that we wouldn't be able to pronounce "frige" unless they added and additional letter. Or maybe, just maybe, the first abbreviator thought refrigerator had a D in it and was therefore properly abbreviating. If so, what a shitty abbreviator. Seriously, what are the job qualifications there? Item 1: Know how to spell the word you wish to abbreviate. Item 2: See Item 1. Either the incorrect abbreviator or the superfluous D adder messed up, and I want an apology. Sorry, let's get back to the matter at hand.) We grabbed some raspberry, strawberry, and peach, and then I saw it: apple yogurt. We got a couple, and as you'd expect, it had little pieces of apple in it and was delicious. My question, therefore, is this: Why haven't I ever seen apple yogurt in the U.S.? It's only, like, our most popular fruit. We're supposed to have one a day, remember? It's the most patriotic fruit too. Have I just been looking in the wrong section all these years or does it really not exist here? I need to know, because I fear it would be expensive and possibly unhealthful to have some shipped here from Mexico.

Lastly, before I get all Car Watchy on you, there are two advertisements that have been bothering me of late. One is for the Dodge "Event of a Lifetime." Come on. How can they possibly say that? All they're doing is saying to the public, "Our previous sales were all crap, and our future ones will be too when compared to this one!" Do they really expect someone to say, "Well, I don't need a new car, but I guess it's now or never if I want a Dodge," or something similarly retardiculous? Why can't they just tell me to grab life by its metaphorical horns and call it a day? The second ad is for a casino not too far from here called Pechanga. That sounds 100% like a slang term for a vagina to me, but I don't often agree with the names they choose. (There's also Morongo, which I always read as "Moron go.") In Pechanga's ad, they say that it's "the undisputed best place to play and stay." Um, I dispute that, therefore it is not undisputed. I would rather gamble in Vegas, and if I'm gambling there, I'd like to stay there rather than drive back to Vajonga. Sorry, Pechanga. I have no problem with companies saying that they're the best at something, but I draw the line when they go that far and basically lie. My goat is sufficiently gotten.

Ok, now grab a partner and let's boogie on down to the Car Watch, shall we? I have two (count them, two) items from my 60 year-old dad. First off, he sent me a plate that read "PKD LST." Although it could be referring to the Peter Klein Dominance List (which clearly states the ways in which I rock), I'm pretty sure it's short for "picked last." How sad is it that being picked last is apparently a large enough part of this person's life to get it on his or her license plate?

The other one from my dad caused a little confusion. He spelled it out to me over the phone: "KNT MARE." "Can't marry?" I asked. "No, I thought it was supposed to be 'nightmare' but spelled with the wrong kind of night," he said. His makes more sense, even though it would be wrong and confusing gender-wise. As for my first thought with it, why wouldn't someone be able to marry? The top reasons I can think of are someone already being married (which would cause a problem in most situations) and someone having to fulfill some ancient ritual from their heritage and remain at home with aging parents instead of living their own lives. What am I missing?

My homey Rockabye saw a plate that boasted, "MR E 2U." Ooh, you're so fucking cool. You're out there, man, and I dig that but I totally can't read you 'cause you're so dark and swimming in your enigmatic ways. You are indeed a mystery, man, and I salute you. (I typed those last three sentences while saying them aloud with my eyes closed and my head moving back and forth. I suggest you try that to maximize the effect.)

I saw "LIVE 8UP" on a plate. Yeah, not quite buddy. Way to fuck 8 up.

I also saw one that I really feel like I should be able to decipher but can't confidently. Help a brother out, yo. It said, "USALIL8." You's a little late? Anything with "little late" is missing an L, so I'm not sold on that. "You salilate" works, ya know, if we can make that a word. Use a little eight? USA'll elate? You sally late? I'm lost.

Last, and possibly least in my book, I saw a plate that proudly stated, "HOT AARP." It was parked, so I sadly didn't get to see the driver. I'm guessing it was either a man with slicked back gray hair and a turtleneck or a woman with died blonde hair, big jewelry, and a newly Botoxed forehead.

And so, gentle readers, that's it for now. Even though none of you wished me a happy half-birthday yesterday, I'm selfless enough to still extend my warm wishes to all of you for this new year. Have a fun and safe holiday, folks, and I'll see you in 20...oh wait. Ha ha, 08 sounds like "oh wait." Man, I am firing on all cylinders today. I wish you all a happy and healthy New Year, friends.