FUF #23

The Cure knows just how UOPTA feels: "I don't care if Monday's blue, Tuesday's grey and Wednesday too. Thursday, I don't care about you, 'cause Friday I'm a FUF." Yes, gentle readers, it's another Follow Up Friday, complete with the usual assortment of random things and the mindboggingly awesome Car Watch.

In yesterday's post, my title and topic referred to some things getting my goat. Years ago, my lovely wife once asked me if I knew where "getting one's goat" came from. I made up some long story about these farmers who formed baseball teams from their animals for a weekly pick-up game they played. One of the farmers really liked having his goat on his team, even though he wasn't a very good player. The other farmer knew this, and so he always drafted the goat in the first or second round, even though he was more like a 6th-rounder talent-wise. He did it just to piss his fellow farmer off. Hence, that phrase came to mean any time something really pushes someone's buttons. About a year later, Amber bought me a book with the origins of phrases, and the bookmark was waiting for me at the "getting one's goat" page. Predictably, I wasn't right with my guess. It was really something about how race horses used to be kept calmer with a goat around or something like that. I could look it up, but I'm feeling lazy. I'm sure we have other phrases in our everyday language from pick-up farm animal baseball though.

As you may know, I think about words. This morning in the shower, I thought about the word "predict" and the lack of its opposite. I guess "postdicting" something would be using hindsight, right? Or is it just stating that something happened after it obviously already did? Tough call, but one thing is for certain: "postdict" is fun to say.

So, yesterday I complained about "Fast Taco" in my post. Then my co-worker Rob and I went to lunch, and walked past that restaurant to find that their sign was down. At first I got a little scared that I had something to do with it. They were still open though, so I guess they're just getting a new sign. If the new one says "Not Especially Fast But Tasty Nonetheless Taco," I'm really going to freak out.

Speaking of tacos (hey, a transition!), there was a little taco stand in Santa Barbara near where I lived with my buddies. It's since changed names and probably owners too, but at the time it was called "Taco of the Town." This killed me and Dusty. Come on! You were so close! "Taco the Town" is brilliant, "Taco of the Town" is stupid. How can you come so close to understanding the pun but end up botching it? I was almost as upset when I learned that Kevin Costner's movie was "For Love of the Game" and not "For THE Love of the Game." People and their silly use or lack of use of small words really get me.

Last thing before Car Watch: Some post way in the past (2/19 to be exact), I wrote the following: "I've often thought that it would be a good idea for a downtown section of a larger city to name the streets on a grid in the same order as the presidents. That way, people would grow up knowing that Truman was right before Eisenhower. Or maybe the states in alphabetical order or by year they became a part of the Union. Yes, I know that teaching history via street names is nerdy, but it's not like I'm asking for the elements on the periodic table. I'm trying to help people learn a little more about the country without them having to try - is that so bad?" Well, gentle readers, my dream is one step closer to becoming a reality. Our friend Sarah's sister may be taking a city planning job, so I had a soundboard for my ideas. Oh sure, I also suggested that streets be created to spell out "Peter" if viewed from a satellite, but I'm willing to take a back seat in order to help other people learn. I know, I'm so selfless.

And now, let's shimmy on over to the Car Watch.

My mom saw a license plate frame that read, "Who Needs a Man When You Have a Cat?" That's really sad for two reasons in my book. First, she comes across as someone who has been so unlucky in love that she's almost convinced herself that she's better off just having a pet instead. Second, a frickin' cat? They're alright I guess, but come on. With apologies to my Aunt Lynn, as far as companionship goes, a dog is a hell of a lot closer to having a partner than a cat. Warmth, love, the ability to cheer someone up - not things that make me think "cat."

Sacky Christi saw a frame that proclaimed, "I Drive Better Than I Putt." At first I thought that was cute, but then I thought more about it. I should hope that would be the case. What's the measure of driving somewhere successfully - not crashing? For someone to putt better than he or she drives, that would require either 100% putting accuracy or way too many accidents. Hmmm, I liked it more when I just thought it was cute.

I saw a frame stating, "Legal Secretaries Keep You Pleading." I guess that's a variation of the "(Blank) Do It (Blank)" stickers, and a slightly scary one at that. It's no "Makeup Artists Do It on Your Face," but not everything can reach that level of success.

A couple of days ago, I saw a bumper sticker that said, "Baby's on Board!" I would've given this person the benefit of the doubt, but the sticker included two stick figures, so it was definitely supposed to be plural and not possessive.

Yesterday a car cut me off on the 101. The plate: "DIFICLT." Yeah, no shit.

Usually, I stay away from political messages here to avoid offending any of my 8-10 readers, but I've made exceptions for new or creative ones. Rockabye saw a sticker that said, "I need to find a florist who can send two Bushes to Iraq." That was definitely different from the regular "I don't like this politician" type ones, so it warrants a mention.

Lastly, I passed a car on the 405 that had this plate: "DD * FAKE." Maybe I'm just being overly male, but I immediately took that to mean that she has huge fake boobs. If so though, why put that on your license plate? What else could that mean, gentle readers? Naturally, I sped up to pass her. I caught a glimpse of dyed blonde hair, but that was it.

Ok, that's it for now. Hey, not enough of you have written to ptklein@gmail.com with misheard song lyrics yet. I'd love to get one or two posts out of those, but I need some more ammo. Don't be shy, folks. Have a great weekend, and I'll see you all back here on Monday.

Sporting opinions

Good morning, everyone, and Happy Presidents' Day. Many of you might not have work today, but I only get the more major holidays off. So while you're sitting around today, laughing with friends and debating whether Harding or Polk left a more indelible mark on American history, I'll be in my office marveling at how empty the parking lot is. You guys actually talk about presidents on Presidents' Day too, right? Oh, nevermind then.

I used to know a song with all of the presidents in order, and I wish I still had it committed to memory. I have snippets still memorized, like "Pierce, Buchanan, Lincoln," but not nearly enough to help me trivia-wise. I've often thought that it would be a good idea for a downtown section of a larger city to name the streets on a grid in the same order as the presidents. That way, people would grow up knowing that Truman was right before Eisenhower. Or maybe the states in alphabetical order or by year they became a part of the Union. Yes, I know that teaching history via street names is nerdy, but it's not like I'm asking for the elements on the periodic table. I'm trying to help people learn a little more about the country without them having to try - is that so bad?

Enough of that for now. I mentioned one brief part of my IM discussion with my buddy Kevin up in Sacramento on Friday, but there was quite a bit more to it. When I worked with him for that year in Sac-town, we talked a lot every day, and about 90% of it had to do with sports. In fact, the first non-work thing I ever said to him was about a trade I saw that the Oakland A's made because I had just seen him with some A's string thing around his neck. (As a side note, the locals there call the older downtown part of the city "Old Sac," and I don't think I'll ever be mature enough to refrain from giggling at that.)

So I suppose it was just a matter of time before I got a message from him saying, "When do we get a blog on the triangle offense? Come on. I've read about your dreams damnit - when do I get some basketball?" I tried explaining to him that I don't think that stuff would entertain most of the people I know who read this. Also, there are hundreds of sports blogs out there all rehashing the same topics day after day, but I'm the only one I know of that writes about naming a daughter Diarrhea (or Diaria).

In about 50 posts, I have mentioned college football, betting on sports, former Laker (and UCSB alum) Brian Shaw, and as I told Kevin, "bowling - don't forget bowling!" He replied, "I already forgot bowling. Bowling = drinking - therefore - not a sport." Now we were onto something. He continued: "Pastime - yes - sport - no." (And I thought I was hyphen-crazy.) I asked about softball, since we played that together on a company team. "Softball is a semi sport," he said, "you can drink and play." I didn't buy his stance at all, but I let it slide for a minute so I could bring out the big guns: "Golf officially destroys your argument though, right?" I asked. He wasn't completely swayed, and answered, "Golf is a pass-sport - kind of a sport, drinking helps you those days. Kind of a pastime - since 80-year-old people play it."

Now I felt he was just dead wrong, but since he wasn't budging on golf, I was going to change his mind on bowling. I wrote, "I understand darts not being a sport, and poker is a game and not a sport, but I think bowling counts just as much as race car driving. It's physical, there's a ball involved, a score - sounds like a sport to me. John Kruk was a baseball player, and Oliver Miller and Stanley Roberts played basketball. John Daly's a golfer - why are fat bowlers any different? They don't drink during competitions."

His response? "I can't get behind it." That's it, unswayable. It got me thinking about my criteria for what makes something a sport though. We can't just go by what ESPN airs, because then we'd not only have to call darts and poker sports, but spelling bees too. I can't just say a ball has to be involved, because that would exclude swimming but include Chinese Checkers. I don't think that you can slap the word "competitive" before any game and make it a sport. Scrabble is a game, and even if it's televised, in tournament format, and with prize money, it's not a sport.

So here is my short, unofficial list of what makes a sport a sport (this is a living document and I may add or subtract from it based on compelling arguments or moments of clarity):

1. The activity has a physical component to it
2. There are winners and losers
3. No one could play for the first time and be good enough to be a professional

Those are the basic points, but I'm far from satisfied with it. With just those three as criteria, "Dancing with the Stars" would be considered a sport. Having a ball involved helps but isn't required, and I feel the same way about jerseys/uniforms. What else is necessary to make something a sport, gentle readers?

Ok, time for a mountain of real work. Have a good Monday everyone, whether you're working or not; I'm selfless like that. And remember, Zachary Taylor was totally cooler than Martin Van Buren - don't let the sideburns fool ya.