The doctor is in...song

Good morning, and Happy Late January. I just looked at the calendar and saw that February 29th lands on a Friday, so I'm pretty happy about that. For a day that only appears when elections and Olympics are in the air to fall on the one day out of seven that I post something, well, I think we can all agree that it's definitive proof that fate is real. Much like last week's post, I don't have any over-arching theme going on today (at least not yet). So I'm just going to write about some random crap without any real transitions between them. (Now that I've read the entire post, it appears that a loose theme is "doctors," because I mention that title three different times. It's cool being from the future.)

So we had MLK Jr. Day this past Monday. While I had to work, hopefully some of you had the day off in honor of that great man. When most people think of him, they immediately jump to his famous "I Have a Dream" speech, and rightfully so. For me, though, I think of something else first, and I hope this story just makes me seem just odd and not a bad person. Sophomore or junior year of college, I mentioned to my friends that I really liked the way "Doctor Martin Luther King Junior Boulevard" sounded. It was rhythmic, but more so it was hilarious to think of someone saying that whole thing while giving directions. "Yeah, so continue another half mile or so, then make a right on Doctor Martin Luther King Junior Boulevard. Take Doctor Martin Luther King Junior Boulevard for a couple of blocks, and it'll be on the right. 2133 Doctor Martin Luther King Junior Boulevard." You see what I mean? It's the same reason I like the word for "unfortunately" in Spanish (desafortunadamente). It's just fun to work in.

My friends agreed with the joy I found in saying those six words. Go ahead, say it five times out loud and tell me that there isn't a nice, natural rhythm to the words. I'll wait. Good. One afternoon, I got a little carried away and just kept saying it over and over again. A couple of friends joined in, and pretty soon, we'd been chanting Dr. King's name (and street) close to fifty times. Then more joined in, but rather than just going along with us, they added different layers to it. (We had done "vocal jams" as a way to warm up for improv matches, and we'd learned how to add components to simple baselines and how to build a song together rather than just make distracting sounds.) Someone started yelling "Doctor!" in between "boulevard" and the next "doctor." Another added a refrain of "He's got a PhD in Civil Rights" that acted like a little guitar section over the baseline of the repeated phrase. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I honestly think we made a good song there for a solid ten minutes. And after all, isn't bringing people together exactly what Dr. King was all about? Yes, yes it was. So that's what I first think of with MLK, quickly followed by his great deeds, and I wanted to share that with you all.

Oh, I thought of another MLK-related topic. Who knew he'd be so inspirational? Oh, yeah, everyone knew that. I meant in regards to my post this week. Back in high school, I was taking some test in a history class, and I read a question as such: "What movement did Martin Luther King create?" Here's the problem: it actually said "Martin Luther" sans the "King," but I didn't read it right. So I looked down at the multiple choice options, and there wasn't anything about Civil Rights there, which left me greatly confused. None of the four options made any sense to me, so I started doing what I did in those situations: make arguments for each of them. After a little while, this one made the most sense to me: "Well, let's see, he did lead some protests, so technically I guess he could've been involved in the Protest-ant movement." I chose that one, even though I was 100% sure that it was wrong. After the test, I asked someone about the "Martin Luther King" question on it. "You mean the Martin Luther question - you said Martin Luther King." "Oh, yeah, that's what I meant." "Yeah, even though we never went over that stuff, I'm a Protestant so I knew that one already." I pretended like I pulled that answer out of careful consideration and by crossing off a couple of definitely wrong answers, but it was just a serendipitous end to a stupid situation.

I woke up feeling a little sniffly a few days ago. When I got to work, I dropped a tablet of Airborne into a glass, waited for the fizzing to subside, and then pounded that shit. I have two problems with Airborne, and I wish to share those with you. First off, when I hear "airborne," I think "virus." I know that's what they claim to be defending us from, but I still feel like I'm putting something with a bad connotation into my body. It's almost an Auto Follower to me actually. The only reason it's not is because Chris Knight calls the guy at the military base's guard gate "Airborne" in "Real Genius."

My second issue with this product (which I actually like and take for the reasons it says to) is what it says on the bottle and packaging. "Created by a School Teacher!" it proudly tells us. That's great, and I understand why a teacher would want a product like this since he or she is faced with more germs than the average person. However, I would prefer that a scientist or doctor created it. I don't want this thing to help me write book reports or do long division. I want it to fend off the germs attempting to take over my body. That makes sense, right? To me, it seems like an athlete's foot medication saying that it was created by a football player. I see why that would make sense on some level, but it doesn't instill the same confidence in me regarding the efficacy of the product. That's all I'm saying.

No, that's not all I'm saying. I have some other random things to put out there now. On the radio either this week or last, I heard an ad for a monster truck rally happening somewhere in or around Los Angeles. It listed who would be there, and then said, "And the most legendary monster truck of them all..." I started nodding, because I actually know of one - and only one - monster truck from my entire lifetime of being immersed in society: Bigfoot. It was a big blue truck that had some kind of crossover appeal because I remember seeing toys for it when I was young. Hell, I might have even had one. The announcer continued. "...Grave Digger!" What? How is it that Grave Digger is "the most legendary monster truck of them all?" I just went to Wikipedia and typed in "monster truck." Guess what picture is at the top? Yep, Bigfoot. I read on, and it does say that Grave Digger is extremely popular. Later on, it says that there are "often accusations of rigged races, as some trucks (including Bigfoot and Grave Digger) are seen as winning more often in order to please the crowd." So maybe it's the second most legendary monster truck of all time. Still, I was taken aback because I was really expecting to hear that only thing I knew about that entire...sport? Activity? Actually, I know one other thing about whatever it is: it tends to happen on SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY!

At bowling last week, there was a guy who was wearing a shirt on the lane next to us. I caught a glimpse and saw that it said "Sorry" in big letters with smaller writing under it. I had to look closer (but inconspicuously) to read the fine print, and a minute later, I got my chance. It read, "About your face." I thought that was pretty funny, and definitely unexpected.

Also unexpected was a sign that my favorite brother saw a week or so ago. It said, "ALL AMERICAN ELF STORAGE." Now, it's obvious that a letter just fell off, but it was the only letter that could change the business name into something really funny. Are they really small lockers? Do they have air holes punched in them? Do they have referrals for people who wish to store European elves?

Lastly before our illustrious Car Watch section, I was driving in the rain a couple of weeks ago, and it was really coming down hard. I know I'm in L.A. and have no right to ever complain about the weather, but this felt like the clouds were actually angry at the ground. It was so hard, in fact, that I checked to see if my windshield wipers had a faster speed when I was already on the fastest. I don't think I'd ever done that before in my life. Two minutes later, I checked again. That's the type of rain I'm talking about.

Ok, really lastly, on my way into work yesterday, I somehow thought of Jim Henson. I remembered that when he sadly (and prematurely) passed away years ago, it was on the same day as someone else famous. It was really bothering me that I couldn't place who that was, and I had to look it up to keep from going crazy. Do any of you remember that off-hand? If so, comment and let the world know your amazing memory skills. (By the way, "off-hand" wasn't an intentional deceased-puppeteer joke, it just happened on its own.)

And now, the most legendary UOPTA section of all time: Car Watch!

My homey Rockabye saw a plate that read, "ILLWT4U." You know what I find tragic about that? Say this is a really nice person who lets a lot of other cars in during times of heavy traffic. The other car gets in that lane, presumably thanks the first person, and then never sees the plate. Conversely, if s/he doesn't let someone in and that merger gets in behind him/her, the plate has to piss the merger off, right? "Oh really, you'll wait for me? Well, I'll be waiting for you...in a dark alley." Or something similarly sinister. (Ok, maybe "tragic" was overstating it a little.)

By a show of hands, how many of you remember me seeing this bumper sticker a while ago: "Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup"? Well, I don't remember what kind of car that was, but I'm going to guess that it was the same person when I saw that sticker again this week. However, there was a new addition to the bumper right next to that sage advice. "UFOs are real, the Air Force doesn't exist." Now, while I count myself among the non-believers for the vast majority of alien-related topics, I can sometimes see why people get all X-Filey. I don't know where crop circles come from, for example. However, the Air Force exists. It's kinda hard to argue that it doesn't. I admire the dragon-non-meddler for taking a bold stance, but there's really no substantiation that's going to earn him/her any Peter Points. (That's too bad too, because 10,000 PPs and you can send away for your very own UOPTA oven mitt. It's left-handed and everything.)

My loving mother-in-law saw a car with the plate, "2BZY2P." If that's true, it's not only sad, but extremely unheathful for the entire renal system. It leads me to a very important question though: is this person also too busy to poo? If not, I would humbly offer the suggestion of trying to take care of the whole "not enough time to urinate/micturate" problem by multi-tasking during the regularly allotted defecation time. S/he can thank me later.

I saw a bumper sticker that made me laugh, even though it's really not all that funny. "I (Heart) a Croatian." I said, "Just one?" aloud in my car, but none of my other personalities answered back.

Lastly, and in the fashion of saving the best for this spot, my lovely wife saw a "Blank do it Blank" sticker that requires a mention here. I like these when they're cleverly crafted double-entendres, but something's missing from this one: "Veterinarians do it doggy style." Um, that doesn't really work. I can break down why it doesn't work into two reasons (although the second of the two has two parts). First, it's waaaay too blunt. It couldn't pass as a real statement from a vet and only comes across dirty. Volleyball players, meanwhile, actually do it on the hardwood. You see what I mean?

Second, it's waaaay too specific. Twice over, in fact. 2A: Dogs are just one of the many species that a vet may assist. By singling that one out, it's as if vets are solely dog doctors. Or "dogtors," if you will. (Oh yes, that's a tag for this post. You best recognize.) 2B: They always do it doggy style? All of them? I didn't see that on the major requirement sheet.

On that highly mature note, I'm outa here. Have a great week everyone, and may the rest of your January be lovely. As always, I humbly request that you comment and/or send emails to ptklein@gmail.com. Take your time. I'll wait for you. Bwa ha ha.

p.s. Crap - I forgot to address the birthdays happening in this upcoming week. Happy early birthday to my good friend The Mills, fellow English nerd and loyal reader Melissa, and my life-long buddy Bryan. Enjoy!