Musician fruition

Good morning, my homemen and homewomen. I hope that this morning finds you all well, and that you're not too tired from all of the Lunar New Year parties last night. My calendar tells me such interesting things sometimes. I have a topic on which to write today, so I may as well launch right into it, eh?

When the powers that be were handing out various talents, the one assigned to dole out musical ability somehow passed me by completely. I can moderately carry a tune, but no one will ever turn and say, "Wow, you have a good singing voice." It's not horrible (I think), but I know my limitations. If I pick up a guitar, it's as awkward as if I were holding a baby alligator. A bass guitar looks a little more comfortable, but only if I keep from touching the strings at all times. I've always been partial to the percussion family, and I'd say I excel more at "steering wheel drumming" than any other musical activity. And even though I was once told that I have "piano player fingers" by a musician, I'm limited to "When the Saints Go Marching In," "Mary Had a Little Lamb," "Chopsticks," and a couple of tunes I don't know the names of that my mom taught me. None of which require using more than one or two fingers at the same time, naturally.

Meanwhile, my friends Jon and Dusty started playing guitar regularly (and well), and Greg and Dave each tried picking it up. It didn't really catch on for those two, but they can still pick up a guitar, fiddle around, and not look like a complete moron. I do look like a moron, and I can only blame so much of the awkwardness on being left-handed.

So, when I learned about the video game "Guitar Hero," I thought it would make perfect sense to stay the hell away from it. Why set myself up for certain failure and humiliation? I heard great things about how much fun it was from my co-worker Rob, but I still was far from interested. From what I could tell, it involved having to look like you knew what you were doing: hitting the right buttons and strumming at the right time. Both activities, to the best of my knowledge, were far beyond my abilities (let alone simultaneously). "South Park" had a very funny episode about the game, in which Stan's father Randy said something to the effect of, "If the kids spent half as much time with real instrument as they do with this video game, they might actually accomplish something." I concurred.

I walked around Best Buy with Rob and saw people playing the demo versions, and it looked even harder than I expected. If I were ever to try it, I told myself, it would probably have to be with absolutely no one else around.

As it turned out, there was one other scenario in which I would allow myself to look foolish: surrounded by people I've known for at least a decade (or three decades in one case). Dave and Twilight had a party, and Dave was borrowing his brother Seth's Wii console and Guitar Hero game. After watching a few songs, I meekly inquired about how it would work for a lefty. Seth showed us the very easy way to put it on lefty mode. "Watch out for the whammy bar though - it's kinda in the way for lefties." I saw what he meant, as it was obviously designed for the majority, but I thought, "What the hell," and selected a "beginner" song on the easiest level.

The indicators of what note to hit started coming, and it took me a little while to find the right timing. After I missed a large percentage of the first twenty notes or so, the fake crowd starting booing me. The real crowd of my friends shouted a little encouragement, and I bounced back to get through the entire song. (They boo you off stage if you don't shape up. Way to build confidence, eh?) And I'll tell you something: it was pretty fucking fun.

I probably played another ten songs that night, and my inner rock god was having a hell of a time. I was punctuating notes with leg kicks, channeling a little Pete Townshend with my arm whirling around, and even inappropriately thrusting my pelvis with the guitar. I can't really explain it, but I was totally buying into the cheering crowd's enthusiasm, and hamming it up accordingly. Every few songs, Greg and I would poke our heads back into the main room where the rest of the party was taking place. Each time, we heard people loudly singing karaoke versions of Rent songs, so we quickly ducked back into the Wii room.

Here's what I realized: playing Guitar Hero has very little to do with actual guitar-playing skills. Instead, I just had to have good hand-eye coordination and know when to hit the denoted buttons on the guitar. I grew up playing a good deal of video games, so this was well within my skill set. And by doing those things with which I was already familiar, I ended up feeling something completely foreign: I was making music.

I made some joke to my friends about "French Horn Hero" not selling as well as its creators had hoped, and one of them told me about something new coming out. It was called Rock Band, and it was very similar to Guitar Hero, but it came with a guitar, a drum set, and a microphone. "No fucking way!" I said, clearly more excited than anyone expected that news to make me. I've always liked the drums, and the thought of drumming along to some kick-ass rock songs sounded far cooler than anything I'd done for a long time. Yes, I realize I'm 30 and talking about a video game.

A couple of months passed, and I saw someone drumming along to a display version of Rock Band in Best Buy. Yep, it was as cool as I thought. I asked my lovely wife, "I'm too old to buy that for myself, right?" "Yeah, probably," she said. Damn. If she had said either, "Not really" or "Maybe not," I might've run to the store right then. Instead, a little time passed and my desire waned. Then, something happened and changed that a little. We went up to visit Dusty and Mills, who had recently purchased Guitar Hero. I mentioned Rock Band, and Dusty said that he was going to get it the minute they came out with it for Wii (I have an XBox 360, for which the game already existed). Dusty's 31, by the way. While that changed my perception a little (i.e. I wasn't going to be laughed at by my friends), the bigger deal was when my lovely wife picked up the guitar and started rocking out to a song. I was struck by a vision: my beloved playing a song on guitar, and me banging away on the drums right next to her. We could be a band!

I looked at the included song list online, and I mentally salivated at the thought of playing along with Nirvana, Weezer, Foo Fighters, and even a Bon Jovi song. I had a little willpower left in me, but then the price went down $30 or $40. The final straw happened when I realized that my lovely wife was going to be out of town from Wednesday morning until Saturday (tomorrow) night. I would be able to play with the Hallie pup for a good amount of time, but it sure would be cool to be playing the drums, guitar, and singing that whole time. So we got it last Saturday. By the end of the day, I think we already got our money's worth. We played a bunch of songs together and had some genuine fun. We know we probably looked dorky, but we were having a good time. My goal is to get through all of the songs on the easy level by the time she returns. That way, all of the songs will be "unlocked," and we'll be able to play whatever we want from the entire catalog. Are we too old for this? Most likely, but I'm also too old to laugh at the word "duty" every single time, and that's not going away any time soon. (By the way, when I texted Dusty that I bought Rock Band, he wrote back "So jealous.")

I'm still too nervous to do much of the singing, especially since I tried it out twice. Not good, friends, not good. However, I'm encouraged enough by another cool feature that I may give it another go. In certain parts of songs in which there aren't any words, the vocalist can hit the mic against his or her hand to use as a tambourine. They thought of everything!

There are two big upsides to having this game. One, as I already mentioned, is being able to do something different and fun with my wife from time to time. We started dating a dozen years ago, and until this past week, we'd never played musical instruments together (real or fake). Two, unlike the guitar part of the game, the drums actually would prepare me to know what to do with a real drum set. Therefore, I'm actually kind of learning how to play a musical instrument for the first time in my life. That's an exciting new trick for this old Dawg.

I just re-read everything I've written up to this point, and I acknowledge that some of this might seem a little pathetic for someone who's supposed to be a grown up. I tell ya though, it's pretty damn fun. If you enjoy music on any level, I have to believe that there's a part of you that thinks this sounds cool. And you're right. I think it just might be the coolest video game of all time. There, I said it.

One quick side story for you that has nothing at all to do with Rock Band: My lovely wife and I went to vote on Super Tuesday, and we got to the polling place a few minutes before they opened at 7am. There were a few others waiting, and about four or five volunteers. The leader of the group (and I know he was the leader because he kept touting his election experience) told us that we unfortunately had to wait until 7 and he couldn't let us vote earlier. "Yeah, we wouldn't want to be extra enfranchised," I said. Amber started to nod in approval of my pun, but two others felt the need to correct me. "Disenfranchised, you mean. Yeah, we wouldn't want that." I let it go, but it bothered me that instead of getting my joke, they thought I was an idiot. It wasn't worth the effort in explaining myself, especially since that would've just made the joke considerably less funny. Still, I thought it was worth sharing with you all.

And with that, it is now time for us to gather our belongings, check the seat pockets in front of us, and head on down to the Car Watch.

I saw a hybrid on the 405 yesterday with a license plate that read, "NRG + GAS." How true, how true. I think it may have been the first time I'd seen the plus sign on a plate not being used for two sets of initials of people who love each other. Or add up to something.

Also yesterday, I saw a car with two of the same stickers on its bumper. "Proud Parent of a Student with Perfect Attendance," they each told me. I have a couple of thoughts on this, as you might imagine. First, I wonder if it's the same kid who has had perfect attendance twice or two kids who each had perfect attendance once. If it's the former, then that truly is a parent who is proud of that accomplishment. Second, aren't we setting the bar a little low here? To me, that sticker is saying, "My kid may not be the smartest one in the group, but damn, her immune system is strong! I mean, seriously, do you know how many germs she comes in contact with on a daily basis? Yet, through all of that, not one missed day due to sickness all fucking year! Not only that, she didn't miss a day due to injury either. She's active, you know. We saw this coming, so we made sure not to take any vacations during the year either. Had to keep the streak alive." Do I read too much into these things? Nah.

My loving mother-in-law saw a plate that told us to "OPN WHYD." It's gotta be a dentist, right? Anything else I think of would make this not a family-friendly blog. Here's why I like this one. It appears that "OPN WIDE" and other variations were taken. Instead of choosing something that didn't get the point across well enough (like "OPEN WID"), s/he found a homophone to help out. Not only that, the H makes me say the word in a way that actually opens my mouth wider. How's that for unintentional cleverness on their part?

My pops saw "OYVEY LA" on a plate. Presumably, he was sitting in traffic, since that's the unofficial pastime of this lovely city. I feel that person's pain, with as much Yiddish angst as I can muster. Muster, that's a weird word. I hate it in the past tense. Yucky.

Lastly, my homey Rockabye saw a plate that said, "JEDI 2BE." Somewhere in Vegas, a bookie is laying 4 to1 odds that that guy still lives with his parents. I'd take that bet.

Ok, people, I'm outa here. Have a good rest of your day, weekend, and week. If you are celebrating Valentine's Day, have a lovely one. Oh, I just looked at today's date again. I love it, it sounds like someone getting interrupted while attempting to make a toast. "To...oh wait! Oh wait!" What, don't look at me like that. See you next week, everyone.