Always pre-paired

Hello and good morning to you all. Some people just say that, but I really mean it when I wish for your mornings to be good. Aren't I just the coolest? (For those of you scoring at home, the answer is Yes.) If you were visiting me here in this space last week, you might recall that it was my anniversary with my lovely wife. Earlier in the week, we had dinner with our family as a little celebration. When my loving mother-in-law brought out a cake with some candles on it, the family started singing the chart-topping single, "Happy Anniversary to You." (Not to get on too large of a tangent here, but is there a more versatile song than "Happy Birthday"? Are there any limits to the celebrations for which that song can be the soundtrack? "Happy Christening to You," "Happy Retirement to You," and "Happy St. Jean Baptiste Day in Quebec to You" all seem to work just fine.) At the crucial third line of the song, the group sang, "Happy Anniversary, dear Amber and Peeeeter." Yes, even my parents put our names in that order. Naturally, that got me re-thinking about a subject I've pondered several times in the past.

Think of all of the couples you know. When you're talking about them, whose name do you put first? When I go through my catalog of straight couples, it's almost exclusively the man's name first and then the woman's. Is that sexist? No, because the sex of the person has nothing to do with it. The name that comes first is of the person I knew first. I say "Greg and Ceil" or "Dave and Twilight" because I knew Greg and Dave first. For my lovely wife's friends, I knew the ladies first, and thus say "Candice and Scott" and "Sarah and Keith." For my aunts and uncles, the name of the sibling (male or female) comes first in each pairing. I guess that's because my parents knew their siblings before their brothers- and sisters-in law, so they started saying it that way and it trickled down to my generation. For the gay or lesbian couples, I'm pretty sure they all start with person I knew first too, so that helps solidify my theory.

So why did my mom sing "Amber and Peter" instead of her son's name first? I think it was a combination of peer pressure and the desire to make the song flow nicely instead of the awkward, "Happy Anniversary, dear Ampeberter and Ampeberterrrrr." I can't say I blame her for that.

Crap, I was just about to create a new theory about all of this, but it didn't pass the beta testing phase. My contention was going to be that when one meets both halves of a couple at the same time, the man's name comes first. This is true with our friends Jesse and Danielle, plus my parents' friends of Bob and Roberta and Steve and Sue. Then I remembered their friends Karen and Dean, and - pow! - there goes that theory. Whoops, Mickey and Cal further blow that one up. I'm going to stop thinking aloud now, because I imagine it's not much fun to see arbitrary people's names over and over again as part of the reading experience.

Here's a new topic that should get the kids buzzing in the streets: recipes! More specifically, I want to spend a few sentences writing about recipes that come on the boxes of food items. For example, if I have a bag of Kraft shredded cheddar cheese, there may be a receipe for some kind of nachos or casserole or something. My favorite part of these recipes is the inconspicuous placement of the company's own product in there. Ya know, when step 8 of the recipe is "Top with 1/2 cup of KRAFT SHREDDED CHEDDAR CHEESE." It always seems to be in caps too, as if they're saying to us, "Remember, we gave you this recipe, so you'd better use our product when making it or we'll be wicked pissed." They're all apparently from Boston in my version of the subtext. "Serve chilled, with 1 lb. TOSTITOS 'HINT OF LIME' TORTILLA STRIPS, and go Sox!"

Moving right along, my lovely wife and I wandered into a hat store within the past week. I wear baseball hats fairly often, and they fall into one of two categories: nasty, and not yet nasty. As far as the not yet nasty ones go, I try as long as I can to refrain from wearing them when I'm going to be sweating. They eventually transition to the nasty side, at which point they'll be in pictures with me hiking, at a baseball game, or helping someone move. Currently, I'd like to change things up a little, and keep my not yet nasty ones on that side of the aisle a little longer. Therefore, I entered that store in search of a new straight-to-nasty hat. It would have to be a very neutral color, and preferably one with either a team I like on it or something small and unobnoxious. I went over to the Dodger section, and immediately started looking for a cool Brooklyn one that I could be the only kid on the block to own. I picked one up, but then saw a stupid insignia on the back and returned it to its rightful location. There was a guy standing next me, and he reached for the one I'd just put back. So I spoke up: "Yeah, you can't go with the most common ones," I said, like we were already friends and agreed on this point. "Well I'm from Germany," he said in a very German accent, "so none of them are very common." I nodded, and added sarcastically, "Not too many Dodger hats running around there, eh?" "No. Not very many at all. Baseball is not as big there," he said, clearly not picking up what I was putting down. I checked out a few more hats, then left empty-handed (and -headed). I guess my current nasty hat o' choice will retain its spot at the top of the rotation for now.

I've seen ads around recently for the upcoming movie entitled "Forgetting Sarah Marshall." On one hand, I approve of their ad campaign, but on the other, it's really beginning to piss me off. The idea is that the notes we see are scribbled by the recently-dumped boyfriend. They say, to name two that come to mind first, "You Suck Sarah Marshall" and "I'm So Over You Sarah Marshall." Please note, I didn't leave out the commas, the genius ad wizards did. They're basically telling me that I am actively sucking someone named Sarah Marshall. What's so difficult about a comma? I like the idea of promoting the movie that way, but when an ad has only four words to it, can't they at least have those words placed in a grammatically correct fashion? I really don't ask for that much.

Ok, enough of the rambling and meaningless drivel that's taken up 1,110+ words of your time. Let's get to something that really matters in the grand scheme of things: Car Watch.

I saw a plate on the road a day or two ago from a bit of a distance. At first, I thought it said "PM SHAG." I laughed to myself, mainly because it made me think of the song "Afternoon Delight," which then got me thinking about Ron Burgundy and his fellow newsmen singing that song together in "Anchorman." But as I got closer, I saw that I'd read the letters correctly but misinterpreted the sentiment: it really said "PMS HAG." That's way different! I went from thinking about skyrockets in flight to a self-proclaimed bitch who I probably didn't want to drive too close to. I have a feeling she probably doesn't get many pm shags if that's the way she presents herself to strangers.

My homey Rockabye sent me a bumper sticker that I deemed fit for your eyes: "My horse bucked off your honor student." Let's see, where should I start with this one? I'll start in a broad sense: What's the big idea with bumper stickers targeting people who are proud of their kids' accomplishments? Shouldn't they be given a free pass, seeing as how they're trying to be supportive of kids who are more susceptible to being picked on? Second, that sticker's just a lie. That person's horse has probably never bucked off anyone's honor student, let alone the kid of the person in the car right behind them. Lastly, if I had a horse and someone's kid were riding him or her but got bucked off, I don't see why I'd be proud of that. I certainly wouldn't be proud enough to put that fact on my car. Sounds like a horse that needs to be whispered to a little more, if you ask me.

He also saw this sticker: "I'm sick of living without national health insurance." So death would be better? Look, I understand the merits of national health insurance, but I fail to see any situation in which not having it is worse than not living. I think that sentence had a triple negative in there, which reminds me of my favorite line from the "Family Ties" theme song: "And there ain't no nuthin' we can't love each other through." It starts with "and," has a triple or possibly quadruple negative, the word "ain't," and it ends in a proposition. That's just awesome. I suppose the right way to say that same sentence would've been, "We can love each other through anything." But where's the fun in that?

Lastly, I saw the popular "W" sticker from the president's campaign four years ago. Even though I've seen that literally countless times, something struck me this time. Is there any other person in history who has been known solely by his or her middle initial to a very large group? That's weird, right? I certainly can't think of anyone else who fits that description. The closest I can come up with, which really isn't that close at all, is a baseball player who is known simply by "Junior." That's impressive in its own right, considering I know who someone is talking about when they just mention his suffix instead of his first or last name. That's the best parallel I've got. Friends, what do you say?

Ok, that's it for me. You all have a lovely weekend, and I'll see you back here in April. During that intervening week, it's my co-worker Rob's birthday, so happy early birthday to him. And happy early April Fools' Day to you all. If the past is a good predictor of the future, I have a feeling my old elementary school principal might call my mom to say I'm in trouble again. Just a hunch. Shaloha, friends.