Good expectations

Hello and good morning, mis amiguitos. Thanks for meeting me back here today for another installment of UOPTA. Time marches on and puts us in March. Some would call that ironic. They would be wrong.

As my ideas for posts are fewer and farther between, I look for inspiration wherever I can get it. (Did you ever realize that "farther" is "fart" + "her"? I sure as hell didn't. I think I just ruined that word for me. Just like I ruined "pumpkin" for my friend Melissa when I pointed out what two words that puts together. Manslaughter is another one of these if you make the first word possessive. Do I digress? Damn right I digress.) Therefore, when I knew I was flying cross-country and back for a conference in between blog posts, I was hopeful that one of those flights would be eventful enough to share with you all. That's been a good source for me in the past, so that hope wasn't an entirely unfounded one.

Unfortunately, the flight out was pretty standard. The most noteworthy thing about the five-hour flight was that I was in the middle seat, and I thought the guy next to me had gas. He later went to the lavatory for a whopping 15 minutes, so I was probably right. (Unless he was tampering with the smoke detector in the lavatory, that is. Of course I would never insinuate that anyone was committing a federal crime, so I'm going to assume he was shitting instead.) Needless to say, if that was the most noteworthy thing about the flight, it wasn't too exciting for me.

The return flight, on the other hand, gave me some more ammo. As I look at the notes I jotted down during those hours, they all fall under the umbrella of "changes and expectations." What, you guys don't have an umbrella like that? Weird. In any case, I'm going to break this down into sections to give off an air of preparedness.

Flight times:

Having completed everything we set out to accomplish earlier than expected, a co-worker and I found out that there was a flight leaving about an hour and half before our scheduled one. Excited by that prospect, we went early to the airport. Here's what I expected: We would get there, and the person at the desk would tell us that we could fly standby or change our flight for several hundred dollars. I would then realize that since I needed to check a bag (which my co-worker didn't), I wouldn't be able to do the standby thing. I thought he'd get on, and I'd sit around for a couple of hours, possibly trying to type a blog post about something. Instead, we got to an automated kiosk thingy, and it said that we could switch flights, secure our spots for only $25 each, and check my bag onto that new flight. Expectation exceeded!

Seat assignments:

I was in the middle again, and having survived it on the way over, I wasn't too upset about having to do that again. My co-worker stopped at the gate and asked if there was any way he could be moved to a window. "Well, it's a very full flight, but let's see here," the nice American Airlines employee told him. "And...yes, I found a window seat for you." I piped up, "Um, is there any chance that you can work your magic again for my middle seat?" Here's what I expected: "No. There was one possible change on this full flight, and I already made it for your friend here." Instead, she told me that there was on window seat available in the last row. "Hmmm, that doesn't recline, right?" I asked. She confirmed my suspicions. "Sure," I said, "why not? Reclining's overrated." I almost made some joke involving "Klein" and "recline," but I stopped myself. Expectation exceeded!

Seat assignments, part II:

I boarded with the rest of Boarding Group 2, and slowly made my way to the back of the plane. Here's what I expected: I would slide in to the window seat, be joined by two nice-enough people with whom I would have no interaction. That would be fine with me, I told myself. Instead, I arrived at the last row and slid in past a woman and a young baby in the aisle seat. "Uh oh," I thought. The baby smiled at me. "How old is she?" I asked. "They're 11 months," the mom answered, gesturing across the aisle. Sure enough, the dad was there holding a twin brother. "Double uh oh," I thought. Here's what I jotted down (discreetly) on my piece of paper: "Next to 11 month old who tired of her toys before take off. Another baby across the aisle. Fingers crossed. Smells like urine, hope that goes away. Have to crane my neck to see closest screen. That sucks. 'Reclining's overrated.' Ha!" Expectation...not quite met.

Seat assignments, part III:

As it turned out, no one took that middle seat in between me and the mom/baby combo in the aisle seat, so I had a little more room. Also, shockingly, the seat actually went back an inch or two. Not a full recline, but enough to encourage sleep and help me see the screen a little better. Most importantly, the babies were excellent. I did have music playing loudly in my ears, but even if I hadn't, they were very good. The boy cried once for just a couple of seconds, and the girl didn't make more than a couple of peeps. In truth, the parents were much louder, singing songs, squeaking toys, and reading loudly to the kids. Expectation exceeded (based on the extremely-lowered expectation of "seat assignments, part II).

In-flight entertainment:

Before takeoff, I flipped through the complimentary magazine located in the seat pocket in front of me. West-bound flights like mine, I was told, were showing "Alvin and the Chipmunks." Craptastic! Here's what I expected: I would listen to my iPod and watch occasional five-minute soundless sections of the movie. At other times, I would prefer to stare at the seat in front of me or do more sudoku or crossword puzzles rather than subject myself to what would certainly be a horrible movie. Here's what happened: I altered my own course of history. One flight attendant said to the other, "It's supposed to be this 'Alvin' one, but we also have one called 'Enchanted.' There aren't many young kids on this flight; should we switch it out?" I looked over to them and nodded as vehemently as a man can nod. "Yeah?" one said back to me. I nodded again. Someone else chimed in seconding my motion, and they agreed. Expectations exceeded!

In-flight entertainment, part II:

I'd heard good things about "Enchanted," even though I wasn't a huge fan of the songs I heard from it during the Oscar telecast. Still, I thought I remembered my lovely wife's friend Candice liking it, so I was happy to choose a potentially-good movie over an extended view of airplane seatback fabric. Here's what happened: I didn't like it. I kept waiting for the little winks to the adult audience, and they never really materialized. Instead, I found a few scenes made me literally shake my head in disapproval and look around to see if anyone else was doing the same. (They weren't.) Patrick Dempsey made his one face ("I'm-a-good-guy-but-I'm-conflicted-and-that-makes-me-sad"), and everything wrapped up even more neatly than "Good Will Hunting." That's saying something. Oh yeah, and this movie also had a talking chipmunk, so I wasn't able to avoid that genre all together. Expectations not met.

Celebrity encounter:
While waiting for the plane, I noticed that actor Nathan Fillion walked by and sat down near me. I knew him originally from "Two Guys and a Girl," but saw him in commercials for "Firefly," "Serenity," and the shortlived series, "Drive." (He was also Kate's policeman husband in one episode of "Lost.") Here's what I expected: I'd pass him as he sat in first class, and then maybe see him again at baggage claim hours later. Here's what happened: He and his lady friend sat directly in front of me. He watched "Enchanted" also, and I think I saw him express disapproval at one of the scenes. Of course, I may have been projecting. Everything was leading to a final verdict of "Expectations moderately exceeded" when something happened. It was about half an hour before we landed when a male flight attendant stopped in front of Mr. Fillion and started speaking. Ready for dialogue mode? Here goes.

Flight Attendant: Excuse me, were you in a movie called something like, "The New Country?"
Nathan: No, sorry.
Flight Attendant: (confused by not put-off) Hmmm. Were you in "Waitress?"
Nathan: Yes.
Flight Attendant: Oh! I knew it! You weren't in "The New Country?"
Nathan: No, sorry.
Flight Attendant: Filmed in Minnesota, I think.
Nathan: No, that wasn't me.
Flight Attendant: Really? I thought those two were the same actor. There's another actor that must look just like you!
Nathan: I was in "Waitress."
Flight Attendant: Wow, that's weird, I really thought that was you. You weren't in "The New Country?"
Nathan: (shakes his head)
Flight Attendant: Oh well. I thought those were the same person.

Now that conversation might not seem that awkward on the surface, but now add five seconds of silence after each line, and picture the flight attendant standing over Mr. Fillion and blocking the aisle. It was highly uncomfortable, and I loved it. Expectations highly exceeded.

So there you go. I was pleasantly surprised by how off all of my expectations of the flight ended up being. In total, they added up to a post, and I don't look that gift horse in the mouth. (I like that phrase and don't get to use it enough. Contrary to the belief of unpopular people who think about such things, it has nothing to do with the Trojan Horse. In that situation, they absolutely should've looked the gift horse in the mouth. Rather, you can supposedly tell a horse's age from its teeth, so it's rude to do that to a horse that someone just gave you as a present.)

And now, please return your seats and trays to their upright and locked positions, for we're heading on down to the Car Watch.

My homey Rockabye saw a bunch of good plates and the like over the past week, so this is going to be an entire Rockabye Edition. First off, he saw a license plate frame that read, "Addicted to..." Ya know, I'm gonna stop there for a second. I have a feeling that I could give you each 100 guesses and no one would get the answer. In fact, I could tell you that it's a person, hell, a movie star even, and still give you each 20 guesses. This driver is addicted to..."Jim Carrey." Addicted! That's mighty strong, don't you think? Does s/he suffer withdrawals after a time away from Jim Carrey's works and need to pop in an old VHS of "In Living Color" to stop the shakes? Would Dane Cook be the methadone to Jim Carrey's brand of smack? I have so many questions.

He also saw a plate that asked, "RUMYDOG." While many people call me "Dawg," I am certainly not that person's dog. In fact, I don't believe that anyone is answering affirmatively to that inquiry. How many times is his or her dog truly behind the car or in another similar position to say yes to that? Oh yeah, dogs can't say "yes." So never; never is the answer we're looking for.

Next off, he saw "BRAKE L8" on a plate. That car should never get rear ended, due to the fact that it gives people more than ample warning. "Well officer, I didn't see that the light was red until I was almost in the intersection, but in my defense, I told the car behind me non-stop that this was likely to happen." Case dismissed.

Last but not least, he saw a plate that told everyone in view, "MKMLAFF." I shall do my best, fellow Angelino, I shall do my best.

That's it, my peeps. Have a lovely weekend and entire week until we meet back here next Friday. During that time, my Cousin Carrie will turn a year older (Monday), and my fantasy baseball keeper team ("Stillwell Angels") will be complete after our hours-long auction (Wednesday night). Ok, shaloha my friends, and I'll see you back here soon.