You say tomahto (and that's stupid)

Hello and good morning, my little slice of the online population. I hope all has been well since we last e-saw each other a week ago. I have a bunch of random crap with which to assail you, so please sit back, relax, and I hope you enjoy the ramblings of a mostly-sane man.

On my way into work this week, I heard two commercials in succession that each made me think of word pronunciation. Technically, neither of these commercials was wrong with the respective words that caught my ears, but they're different from how I say them. The first commercial said something about redeeming coupons. The woman reading the script said 'coupon' as 'kyoo-pon' instead of 'koo-pon' as I do. I looked at an online dictionary, and it says either is correct, but I just don't like that version as much. Where else do we see a word starting with "cou" and having a "kyoo" sound? Is a messenger also known as a kyoo-ree-ur? Are big cats calls kyoo-gers? I know I should never expect English to make sense, but this one just feels like it came about by people pronouncing it incorrectly.

The second one isn't wrong either, but it made me think, and this is my thought receptacle. "See store for details," the announcer said in a quick phrase at the end of the commercial. While I would've said it as, "See store for DEE-tails," he said, "See store for di-TAILS." There are a lot of words out there that switch their emphasis depending on whether they're acting as a noun or a verb (conflict, combat, object, upset, etc.), but I don't think this was one of those. Instead, it was just an alternate way of saying a word, and since it caught my ear, I had it catch your eyes.

I was walking to the Coffee Bean with my co-worker Rob, and he pointed out the Nissan Armada in the parking lot. I realize this is a car topic and not in the Car Watch section, but I think it falls more under the "words" or "things that piss me off" category than that one. "I have two fairly large problems with the name of that car," I told him. "And while they're both large, one is grander in scope than the other." First, I take issue with the fact that a single car is named a plural noun. Sure, it doesn't end in an S, but it's a fleet or a navy, and I have trouble with that being represented by one vehicle. "So that's the bigger issue, right?" Rob asked me. "No, surprisingly it isn't," I replied. The larger issue in my opinion is the fact that an SUV is named after a military fleet that has historically be sent specifically to kill people and take over their land. To me, that just seems a bit extreme and violent for something that takes your kids to softball practice. What's next, the GMC Stealth Bomber? (Oh crap, I just gave them an idea, didn't I?)

More word stuff! There are two words that I said incorrectly throughout large portions of my childhood. Since I'm sharing this error with you all, I hope that you'll either agree with me or chime in with your own errors. I don't have a gavel, so I won't judge you. First off, I could've sworn that the thing people push around during yard work or other similar activities was called a "wheelbarrel." I don't know why, but I can't be the only one, right? I knew the word 'wheel,' and I knew the word 'barrel,' so I guess my mind put them together.

The other one is similar, but I stand by it more because my version makes more sense than the correct one. "He treats her very well, as if he puts her on a pedastool." It's like a footstool, but probably a little higher. What else would someone be up on if not a stool? Since 'ped' means 'foot,' I really think that footstools or stepladders should be called pedastools instead. Who's joining me in this senseless endeavor?

My favorite brother called me over the weekend to report something that caught his eye. It was an ad for a mortgage company, and amongst other things that they can do for you, they will "Fix Your Adjustable ARM." Yes, they will fix your doubly-adjustable rate mortgage. That's not quite up there with "ATM machine" and "PIN number" as far as making me angry, but that's probably just because I like the idea of someone trying to fix an adjustable arm instead of an ARM. Hold still!

I overheard a man talking to two people who I assume were his co-workers about someone else. "The thing about her is," he said, "she can't take the heat. She's not chill." Make up your mind, man. Either she is chill and therefore can not take heat, or she is not chill and takes heat with great ease. That makes no sense; it's totally sensible.

Another thing I overheard took place in a crowded Starbucks. Since the line was long, the woman in front of me struck up a conversation with the woman in front of her. After chatting about nothing for a moment, the woman two ahead of me mentioned her kids. The other woman, in a tone of complete shock and wonder, asked, "So did you get married and then have kids?" "Yeah," the wife/mother replied. "DAMN!" said the other woman, as if that was the most unorthodox order of events she could fathom. I wanted so badly to add a funny line (even though I wasn't a part of the conversation), but after three seconds passed, I knew I'd missed my window. In hindsight, I think I might've added, "I heard she loads her dishes before turning on the dishwasher too. That's some crazy shit!" I was too slow though, and there's a 100% chance that I would've just come across as a dick, so maybe my slow response time was a good thing.

Last but not least for this section, I thought of another word that's said wrong and therefore pisses me off. I know some of you might say this, and if you stop it right now, I won't hold it against you. Ready? "Drownding." That's not even mispronounced; it's just wrong. That one is right up there with "accrost," and you may recall that I'm not a big fan of that one either.

By a show of hands, how many of you are ready for the Car Watch? Peter, I already counted you. Any others? Ok, the Is have it.

I saw a bumper sticker, and while I often read too much into things, I'm not sure if that's the case this time. It said, "I (upside down heart) Hiney." Here's the thing that struck me: the upside down heart kind of looks like a butt. That's gotta be what they're going for, right? It can't just be "love," because then there would be no reason to flip it. Friends, am I off here or do you agree with my assessment?

This one admittedly isn't too interesting, but what the hell? I saw a plate that only said, "007" right in the middle of it. The driver must've requested that a long, long time ago. I think it's cool, but I'm more impressed that someone even had the idea to try for that by itself. Bravo, Faux Bond. (That's a funny little side-part to that plate, now that I think about it. It's paradoxical to think of a secret agent advertising his codename to everyone. "Hi everyone, I'm a British spy!")

My homey Rockabye saw a license plate behind which I can't for the life of me explain the rationale. I wrote a similar statement about "BAD SMEL" last week, but this one exceeds that in its incomprehensibility. (That word just took me a whole minute to type, by the way.) The plate read, "UGLY MAN." Come on, dude, really? I mean, really? I didn't get a chance to ask my friend if he got a look at the guy or if it was a very nice car to compensate for his facial shortcomings. (Ooh, "facial shortcomings" is going to be the next "vertically challenged" in the world of discrimination euphemisms, I can feel it!)

Last but far from least, my dad sent me a bumper sticker that confused him. "Whip Cream," it said. Wow, I have a number of questions about this one. I'll break it down in a numerical format to prove that there is indeed a number of them.

1. Why isn't it "whipped" cream?
2. If it is supposed to be the foodstuff, what do they want us to do with that information? Eat more of it?
3. Is it a command? If so, I'm not sure I want to do that. It could splatter all over the place, and then we'd need a "Clean Up Cream" sticker to follow.
4. Is it a reference Eric Clapton's old band, Cream? If so, I don't get it.
5. Is it just an inside joke amongst friends? If so, thanks for confusing the rest of us, jerkweed.
6. Did I just use 'jerkweed'? What the hell does that even mean? Isn't jerking a weed out of the ground a good thing? Maybe I should change that to "weedsprout" instead.
7. Am I still typing all of this?

There, that was a number; 7 to be precise. That'll teach you to doubt me again.

Ok folks, I'm outa here. To all the muthas out there, have a very special day of celebration this Sunday. Without you, well, I guess nothing would've ever gotten done in the history of civilization. So you got that going for you. As always, friends, please email ptklein@gmail.com with anything you think of whatsoever. I like the attention.