In-jury of my peers

Oh boy, here we are again. It seems like just a week ago that I was jotting down some thoughts and stories, but I guess time has a way of messing with us like that. Good morning, friends, friends of friends, and people who found this blog by searching for some term I mentioned over a year ago. I don't care how you got here; I appreciate your time.

For those of you who have been visiting UOPTA for a while, you may recall a story I told about playing softball in P.E. during high school. The post was called, "The Old Ball Game," and I recounted the time that a big dude hit a softball that wasn't so soft when it found my nuts at 60 miles per hour. While it was a painful experience that still makes me cringe a bit, it at least gave me the chance to use the phrase "Pete-seeking missile" in a sentence. In any case, something this week reminded me that I have a couple of other sport-related injuries that I haven't yet mentioned in this space. Some might be humorous, so here goes.

I have about a half-inch long scar on my arm. It's located in a tough spot to describe. It's not quite my forearm because it's close to my hand, but it's just after the wrist so that's out. I'll call it my beforearm. Anyway, it's not very noticeable at all now, but it was after I received it late in high school. The short version of how I got it sounds pretty cool: "Yeah, I sliced it open on the underside of the backboard while I was dunking on someone in a basketball game." See, doesn't that sound cool? And it's true, unless you're into that "whole truth" thing. Here's how it would go if I were being questioned on the stand in a t.v. courtroom drama.

Sexy Actress Who Thinks Glasses are Enough to Make Her Believable in a Prosecutor Role: Please describe the details of how you got your injury, Mr. Klein.

Me: I sliced it open on the underside of the backboard while I was dunking on someone in a basketball game, ma'am.

SAWTGEMHBPR: Was this in a league game? Five on five?

Me: Uh, no, it was at my parents' house...in their driveway. Two on two.

SAWTGEMHBPR: I see. And how was that game going?

Me: Fine, I guess.

SAWTGEMHBPR: (to the judge) Your Honor, permission to treat as a hostile witness?

Judge Who is Sassy Sometimes Just to Keep the Plot Moving: Oh you know I'll allow that!

SAWTGEMHBPR: Isn't it true that you were losing 10 to 2 in that game?

Me: Yes, but we were making a come-

SAWTGEMHBPR: Just answer the question.

Me: Yes.

SAWTGEMHBPR: Thank you. And what was the point total that would equal victory for the other team?

Me: (murmuring) Eleven.

SAWTGEMHBPR: Can you speak up please?

Me: ELEVEN!

SAWTGEMHBPR: Thank you, Mr. Klein. How did the rest of the game go after your injury?

Me: Um, well, it didn't. My arm hurt enough that I couldn't keep playing.

SAWTGEMHBPR: So you denied them their victory?

Me: 'Denied' is such a harsh word.

SAWTGEMHBPR: Well how do you think they felt?

My Lawyer Who Looks Suave But is Actually a Moron: Objection, Your Honor. Speculative!

JWSSJKPM: Overruled. I think I like where this is going!
MLWLSBAM: Shucks.

Me: I suppose they would've preferred an official victory.

SAWTGEMHBPR: Yes, I suppose they would've too, Mr. Klein. Oh, one last thing. I was very impressed with your earlier statement about dunking the basketball. I have several character witnesses who are willing to testify that you don't have much jumping ability. Can you please explain to the jury how this dunk happened?

Me: Oh man. Yeah, I can explain that. My parents' basket can be lowered a little.

SAWTGEMHBPR: I see. So it wasn't a standard 10-foot rim that you were playing on. Was it lowered to 9 feet?

Me: 8.

SAWTGEMHBPR: 8?

Me: Yeah, 8. Can I go now?

SAWTGEMHBPR: I have nothing further.

JWSSJKPM: You may be seated. Do you need the bailiff's help stepping down from the stand?

(The courtroom erupts in laughter.) And...scene.

Maybe I've been watching too many "Law and Order" reruns. Hmm.

The next injury is sports-related solely by its venue. As a tot, either age 3 or 4 (I can never remember), I was at the bowling alley with my parents and my favorite brother, Kevin. He swears he didn't push me, so the story holds that I just tripped by myself and went headfirst into the corner of a drinking fountain. It wasn't good, and I still tip my cap to the doctors because the scar today is much less visible than it probably should be. Who knew that being a spectator at a bowling alley was so dangerous?

I've had other, smaller injuries even more-loosely connected with sports. There was a time that had a baby tooth knocked out in a vicious game of "Throw the Spiky Thing from the Tree at Peter," another scar on my arm from playing basketball and not really seeing a brick wall until it was too late, and several jammed or sprained fingers from simply not catching things correctly.

I saw an article this week about Daniel Radcliffe (the actor who plays Harry Potter) having dyspraxia, a condition that affects motor skills and often makes people appear clumsy. I have to admit, I immediately looked it up online to see if the symptoms sounded like me. They didn't (and are much more severe), so I guess I'm just a little off sometimes without any official reason. There are worse things.

The reason this topic came up is because of an injury I witnessed on Monday night. While playing basketball in Ventura (a playoff game in which we won, I'll have you know), our friend Dusty took an accidental elbow to the nose in the first half. It didn't stop bleeding for way too long, and he eventually came back out to watch the second half...with a tampon up his right nostril. I thought that sitting in gum after getting hit in the nuts by a softball was the definition of "adding insult to injury," but he may have surpassed me with that move. The tampon did the trick, as one might expect, and I showed exceptional restraint by not making any jokes whatsoever until the next day when he said he was doing better. If his nose were broken, I might've had to (gulp) take the high road. Thankfully, he's fine and making fun of himself like a champion: "If I had a pad, with some sort of wings, I’d have re-entered the game. I was just nervous about going in there with only the tampon for protection," Dusty said heroically. I understand, man, I understand.

Ok, enough of all this pain and suffering bullshit, let's get to what's really important: Car Watch!

I saw a license plate that confused me a little bit. It read, "SAILNBM." I only came up with two possible meanings, and I'm sure neither are correct: "Sailing...BAM!" and "Sailing Bowel Movement." I suppose it could be someone whose initials are B.M. and enjoys sailing, but where's the fun in that?

Next, I was behind a truck on the always-enjoyable 405. In big and obviously proud stenciling, it told us that they're "cerdafied." It also said, "Hiring." For what? A copy editor? Ooh, things just got more interesting. Before moving onto the next paragraph, I was suddenly struck with the notion that "cerda" sounded familiar to me as a word in Spanish. "Maybe it's a pun and they're actually being very clever here," I thought. "Then I'd be a royal dick for making fun of something that I ended up admiring." So I went to Google to find a Spanish-English dictionary, and sure enough, it took me to http://www.spanishdict.com/. Who'd've thunk it? In any case, it gives me five definitions:

cerda
noun

1. Strong hair in a horse's tail or mane; a bristle. (f)
2. Corn just cut and formed into sheaves. (Province; Provinicial) (f)
3. Bundle of flax broken but not yet hackled. (Province; Provinicial) (f)
4. Sow. (f)
Cerda de puerco -> hog's bristle
5. Slut, whore. (f)

The reason it looked familiar to me is because I think I've seen it on a menu, which in hindsight makes me glad I didn't order it. I wish I remembered exactly what kind of business the truck was advertising, but I'm pretty sure it was either electric work or plumbing. Therefore, I don't think there's any pun going on with the first four definitions. The fifth though...probably not, but I wish I had thought of this back in high school because I totally would've used it. How? Easily, friends. Dusty (or anyone else in our AP Spanish class) might've said to me, "Hey, that girl over there seems pretty slutty." "Yeah, but I think it's all an act to get attention," I might reply, willing to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. "Not an act, man. I heard firsthand stories from Mark, the other Mark, Jason, and Darren, so it's confirmed." "You mean it's been...cerda-fied?" I'd ask, and then we'd laugh for the next two weeks. Ah, high school.

Lastly, my homey Rockabye saw this on a license plate: "ONMYWAA." I approve wholeheartedly. It's not easy to impose inflection in the perilous world of platespeak, but this person accomplished it with flying colors. I tip my cap to you, sir or madam. (For those of you scoring at home, that's two imaginary cap tips in one post. It might be a UOPTA record.)

And this concludes this week's installment of things I think about and share with whomever lands on this page. I'll be back here next week with more things to ramble about and maybe make you either smile or shake your head in disgust. During that intervening week, I'd like to wish very happy anniversary Sunday to my favorite brother and sister-in-law and a happy half-birthday to our friend Robin. Homepeople, please feel free to write to ptklein@gmail.com with anything you see fit to send. Car Watch items, funny stories, good jokes, bad jokes, movie/book/music recommendations, pick up lines, food allergies, or anything else that strikes your fancy. I have an equal opportunity inbox. Have a happy and healthy next several days, my friends.