Writing about not writing

Well looky here, another Friday and another chance for me to shake a few things loose from my crowded head. I hope today finds you all well. I don't have any overarching theme for this post, so I'm just going to start typing and see what happens.

Hey, something happened! This lack of preparation coincides nicely with a little problem I'm having right now. I don't know if any of you will recall, but months ago I mentioned my desire to eventually write a screenplay. Since then, I've spent some time jotting down the structure of the story I'd like to tell, some specific scenes, etc. I bought a DVD of a master screenwriting teacher to show me the way, and I'm currently reading a book about every big no-no (and yes-yes, for that matter) related to writing a script. So where's the problem (aside from the shortage of hours in a given day to actually make anything resembling headway)? I have never actually planned my writing before, and I'm finding that I don't really know how yet.

Throughout high school and college, I had many papers to write. That said, I was always a bit of a procrastinator and just sat down the night before and hammered them out. They weren't always good, and many a professor lamented my lack of specific examples, but I got the job done and ended up doing fairly well when all the dust settled. With this blog, there's even less preparation. Sometime during each week, I'll either have an idea for a post or I won't. If I do have a thought, my email to myself will look like this in its entirety: "Maybe something about laundry. Can talk about machines in the residence halls, the time I shrunk Jon's sweater, and whatever else comes up." Ta-dah! That turns into 1,500-2,000 words. I certainly don't have any real kind of outline, and if I end up writing something that leads to something else, then that's just awesome.

That's why this screenwriting thing is difficult so far. On one hand, I'm having to learn all about the actual structure of this kind of script. On the other, I can't just start typing and see what happens. It's something that hopefully will get easier once I get through the tools I've purchased to help me along the way, but so far it's counter-intuitive to all of my prose-writing up to this point in my life. I'll keep you all posted. In the meantime, thank you for listening/reading as I whined for a bit. Here are some random thoughts or stories that have recently materialized in my mind.

I was walking back to my office after picking up some food for lunch a week ago and I passed two young ladies. I'm not an eavesdropper, per se, but I'm not exactly an eaves-picker-upper either, if you know what I'm sayin'. In any case, as they passed I overhead one of the young ladies say to the other, "He used to like this girl Amanda who's like really pretty, like a supermodel or something." For those of you scoring at home, that's three Likes in three different formats in the same sentence. We start with "like" as "romantically interested," move to "like" as the common teen placeholder signifying nothing, and eventually get to "like" as part of a simile and used to make a comparison. I'm sure the young lady had no idea that I'd find her sentence interesting enough to immediately email myself for future musings, but it like totally made my walk.

Last weekend, I was looking through our mail and something grabbed my attention. Now, I really feel bad doing this, but I must press on. You see, I'm about to make fun of a charity. Not only that, but it's one whose mission I care about and to which I've contributed on multiple occasions. Still, I can't let certain things go and must put my positive or negative biases aside to publicly mock their tactics. The envelope for this donation-seeking piece of mail had a little hole cut out of it, leaving just a plastic circle. In that circle sat a nickel, and on the envelope, an arrow pointed to that nickel. "This nickel could help save a child's life," the text on the envelope said. "Then why the hell are you mailing it to me?" I asked. Not just that, but how many "life-saving nickels" are they shipping out to people instead of, ya know, saving frickin' lives with them? If I donate $20 to them, how do I know that they're not just going to change it into 400 nickels and mail them out to people soliciting more money? All I can say is that I hope this tactic is working well for them and they they're receiving many, many donations that supersede the extra five cents per envelope that it's costing them to do it this way.

I was at an airport a couple of weeks ago, and as I'm prone to doing every once in a while, I stopped at the restroom. Urinals are very interesting, and I could write a rather large amount about unwritten rules, etiquette, the top ten things you don't want to hear the person next to you saying, etc., but I'll save those for another time. Instead, I want to focus on the inside of the liquid waste receptacle. The one at the airport had a message to everyone: "Please do not throw foreign objects into urinal." My immediate thought was, "Like sombreros?" I understand what they were going for, but it surprises me that they were having enough of a problem with people throwing things in their urinals that they thought going in there and addressing it via polite command was their best option. Although I'd rather have that than what I face at work everyday. Inside the porcelain is a little mat made by a company called "Bulls Eye." Yet, despite the fact that they understand the clever nature of naming themselves that, there's no target. It's just a plain red mat with holes in it. Come on, guys! You were so close! I know that I'm not the only guy who would appreciate bringing a little entertainment to the process. You named yourselves "Bulls Eye" for Pete's sake, just show a little dedication to your craft. I'm not asking for anything that lights up or a score at the end, but if I can think to myself, "Man, I really nailed that one" as I'm washing my hands, then there's a value to their product that I wouldn't have received from their competitors' versions. To conclude: pissing on can lead to pissing off.

I've mentioned a couple of times in this space that I occasionally eat at the inappropriately named Fast Taco restaurant near my office. The food is good, but I just wish they weren't liars. Anyway, I went there earlier this week, and something struck me as odd. The gentleman behind the counter, who is of Persian descent, handed me my food and then he smiled and said, "Bon apetit!" Yes, a Persian man in a Mexican restaurant spoke to me in French. He probably says that a hundred times a day and no one bats an eye, but I might analyze word choice a little more closely than the average Fast Taco patron. If I'd been on my game, I would've replied with either "Mahalo" or "Arigato." There's always next time.

A week or two ago, my dad called me to say that he thought of a word that I'd probably have some thoughts on: aftermath. He was right, of course. That's an interesting word, isn't it? I've never really stopped and looked at that one, and honestly, I'm a little surprised at myself. Could we call an event as it's happening "the math"? "While I was in the math, I had no concern for any possible consequences. But after it...geez, I guess I really should've thought it through more." "Ok everyone, make sure your backpacks have all of the essential first aid items we talked about. I know it's tedious, but the beforemath of this activitiy can make the difference between life and death." Very interesting indeed. Thanks, Pop! (Also, "aftermath" is when Dusty and I used to hand each other the notes we'd written in 9th grade. So there's that too.)

I was in the car with a co-worker a few weeks ago, and she's sometimes a little distracted as a driver. So on the rare occasion that I'm in her car, I find myself pressing the imaginary brake pedal on my side often and gently offering advice along the lines of, "I think there's a car there." On this most recent ride, she drove fine until the home stretch back to the office (the office stretch?). There, her car felt like being half in one lane and half in the bikelane. "Uh, I think that's the bike lane there," I said faux-nonchalantly as a biker appeared ahead of us on the horizon. Then, as if I had no control over myself at all, I added, "You know you can't spell 'bikelane' without 'Klein.'" Yes friends, even in times of potential peril, I'm thinking of those things. I thought you'd be impressed/disgusted/pleased/appalled/ambivalent about that.

And now, let's shake our groove things over to the Car Watch.

I was behind a car yesterday with a license plate frame that read, "Proud parent of 2 highly gifted kids." I guess "with no friends" didn't fit. I kid, I kid, but seriously, that's certainly not going to help anyone's social life. If I'm lucky enough to have highly gifted children, I'll obviously be very proud of them. I'll also understand the 100% likelihood of them getting laughed at if I were to drive away with that frame on my car in front of their classmates.

My homey Rockabye sent me this plate: "MRXYTMT." I'm going to go out on a limb and say that if someone really were exciting enough to have that nickname, he wouldn't need it on his license plate. Maybe it's to reassure women he meets at clubs as he prepares to drive them back to his place. They're probably a little wary (and drunk), but then they see that plate and think, "Oh thank god, I wasn't sure if this was going to be boring or not." Better yet, I hope and pray that if this guy were to get pulled over by a cop that the cop would saunter over to the driver's side and, with a voice dripping with sarcasm, say, "Do you know why I pulled you over...Mr. Excitement?" Oh I hope that happens.

I was driving down Ventura Blvd. earlier this week when a car zoomed around some other drivers and then pulled quickly into my lane in front of me before speeding off. I caught the plate though: "EXELOR8." Can't argue with that. It would've been nice if I'd seen it in stop-and-go traffic so I could mock it, but at least it was situationally clever when I saw it.

Lastly, my dad saw a car with a license plate of, "YIPYKYA." I bet that guy gets a lot of people pulling up next to him and mouthing "motherfucker," which probably wasn't his intention. Live and learn, man, live and learn.

Ok, that's it for this guy today. I'd like to wish a very happy Welcome to the World to baby Noah, the son of our friends Dave and Twilight, who was born the past Monday. We look forward to watching him grow up and make fun of his dad as much as the rest of us do. I don't have my calendar with me, so I can't say for sure whose birthdays or half-birthdays are in the upcoming week. I apologize in advance if I'm missing yours, friends. Happy Half St. Patrick's Day though, if that's any consolation. Have a wonderful weekend and week, everyone, and please remember to email me at ptklein@gmail.com with any thoughts, questions, Car Watch items, complaints, or anything else. Until next Friday, my homepeople.