Parodies lost

Hello, good morning, and good to see ya on this first post of October 2008. I like October, but probably not for the reasons you might immediately guess. No friends, I like October because history has made it a misnomer, and I totally dig that shit. It was originally the eighth month of the old Roman calendar (hence "octo-"), but they kept the name intact even when it became the tenth month. I don't know who "they" are, but I appreciate that move since it adds a little humor to the normally staid calendar.

Now that I think about it, October really isn't all that special. September isn't still the 7th month despite all of its "septness." November is no longer the ninth, and December isn't tenth anymore either. What's wrong with our calendar? It's a walking temporal inaccuracy, ya know, minus the walking part. Now I'm getting upset, and that's not at all where I expected this to go. I think I need a new paragraph to calm myself down.

Ah, much better. And it's time for a story, ladies and gentlemen. As I’ve mentioned a couple of times in this little slice of cyberspace, my lovely wife and I enjoy occasionally playing Rock Band. It pretty much kicks ass. So when Rock Band 2 came out within the past month, I was thrilled. I looked at the playlist online before buying it, and I almost drooled on the keyboard. “Alive” by Pearl Jam, “The Middle” by Jimmy Eat World, “Everlong” by Foo Fighters…I mean, how could I not want to buy that immediately? (Mom: those are cool songs; just nod along with the rest of us.)

So the game was released, and my loving mother-in-law kindly purchased it for us while out shopping with Amber. I don’t use the word, but if I did, I’d say I was stoked. We started playing a few of the songs and (naturally) rocking out. After scrolling through the menu, we chose “Eye of the Tiger” by Foreigner next. We started strumming and drumming (and humming?) along, but inside we were both thinking the same thing: “Rye or the Kaiser.” Yes, the one and only Weird Al Yankovic has some hilarious lyrics that go along to that song. The man is a genius, and I’ve never shied away from admitting that to whomever is near. Check out the choruses of his version of the song:

Try the rye or the Kaiser,
They're on special tonight.
If you want, you can have an appetizer
You might like our salami and the liver’s alright
And they'd really go well with the rye or the Kaiser

Try the rye or the Kaiser
Or the wheat or the white
Maybe I can suggest an appetizer
Stay away from the tuna, it smells funny tonight
But you just can’t go wrong with the rye or the Kaiser

It’s the rye or the Kaiser
It’s the thrill of one bite
Let me please be your catering advisor.
If you want substitutions, I won't put up a fight.
You can have your roast beef on the rye or the Kaiser.

Sheer brilliance, people. Here’s the thing that really pushes it over the edge for me. It’s not just that he found words that sound like the original, but the verses of the song paint a picture of a washed-up Rocky Balboa who has ditched boxing and now owns a neighborhood deli. It’s called the “Theme from Rocky XIII,” and it was released in November of 1983 after the third Rocky movie came out. 23 years later – TWENTY THREE! – when the sixth installment came out, the main character is a washed-up Rocky Balboa who has ditched boxing and now owns a neighborhood restaurant. It’s not a deli, but I think Al was close enough that we can give him mad props for his foresight.

As a lover of words and wordplay, Weird Al’s music spoke to me as a young boy. He not only spoofed the hell out of the popular songs of the times, but his original songs were pretty fantastic too. Sometimes he’d write one in the style of another artist, which led to a Talking Heads-like song about the tough microcosm of the corporate office or a Beastie Boys-ish rap about playing Twister. In short, I marveled at his abilities and wanted to pen my own parodies.

And so it was in sixth grade that I embarked on my brief and unillustrious career as a fledgling humorous songwriter. I was going to ask my friend Jason N. if he wanted to join me in this endeavor, but then I remembered that his idea of a parody was just to change “girl” to “squirrel.” Amazing as it sounds, I didn’t think that Milli Vanilli’s “Girl You Know It’s True” would hold up for four minutes as “Squirrel You Know It’s True.” (The same was true with “Please Don’t Go Squirrel” by New Kids on the Block.) So I decided against asking Jason and turned to my fellow classmates at Pinecrest Van Nuys instead.

After asking around, there were six of us up to the challenge. We were going to be a band, and we were going to wow people with our phrase-turning. It was me, my good friend Adam, Stacy, Kim, Elena, and Quintana. I think the first sign of our inevitable failure was in our choice of band name. We took all of our first initials, mixed them around, and settled on PQ SEAK. For the life of me, I don’t know why we thought that would be better than the infinitely easier and cooler Q-Speak, but hey, we were twelve.

In our first meeting, we assigned ourselves homework for over the weekend. Every member was to come up with an idea for a song that s/he wanted to write. All we needed was a song and a funny title that could go along with it. On Monday, we gathered again by one of the handball courts to discuss our progress. I shared that I was almost done with a version of Michael Jackson’s “Man in the Mirror” called “Mend in the Mirror,” and it was all about how much plastic surgery he was having. The best part was when I changed a simple, “Na na na, na na na, na na na na na” into “Na na na, na na na, na na na new nose.” Adam went next and told us about his version of “Twist and Shout” called “Twist and Make ‘Em Shout” about going to the dentist. Everything was coming together. We turned to the four female members of PQ SEAK to see what they had come up with. In a word: jackshit. “I haven’t been able to think of anything,” one said. “Yeah, it’s hard. I was listening to the radio trying to find a good song to change.” Sure, that took the wind out of my sails a bit, but I wasn’t so easily discouraged. Instead, we said that we’d reconvene on Friday again. At that time, Adam and I would have our completed songs, and the girls would have their concepts down.

The week went by and we met up for a third time. To nobody’s surprise, Adam and I were the only ones who’d held up our ends of the bargain. And poof – PQ SEAK was gone. It was probably for the best, since none of us could sing or knew what the next logical step would be in getting our songs out there. It ended almost as quickly as it began, and in the end, that was just fine. I still think of the lyrics I wrote (or what I remember of them) on the rare occasion that I hear that Michael Jackson song. “If you wanna make the world a better place/take a look at yourself and then change your face!” Ah, what could’ve been.

And with that tale of demolished child innocence, let’s see what the Car Watch has in store today.

My lovely wife saw a tiny little Smart Car on the road. It had this bumper sticker on its wee bumper: “My other car is a gas guzzler!” The exclamation mark there makes the person seem very proud to me, but I can’t understand why. If you’re so environmentally conscious that you drive a tiny and seemingly unsafe car to reduce emissions and dependence on gas, then why are you so quick (and happy) to tell us that this eco-friendly thing is only a part-time gig? I don’t get it.

My homey Rockabye saw this plate on a car in front of him: “LV2 ARGU.” Not only would I never want to date someone who defines him/herself as such, but I certainly wouldn’t want to get into an accident with him or her either. It would just devolve into a Monty Python sketch, replete with absurd statements and blanket denials. Hmm, that actually sounds like it could be fun on some level.

Lastly, my friend Dusty wrote me saying that he saw a plate that read “BLONDE” affixed upside down on a car. He said he has to believe that cops let it slide because it's so good. I wholeheartedly concur, and being a big fan of self-deprecating humor, I applaud the blonde for her new spin on a very tired topic. I tip my imaginary cap to you, madam.

And that does it for me, friends. We have a relatively quiet week ahead of us. All I see on my calendar is Sacky Christi’s half-birthday on Monday and Yom Kippur starting at sundown on Wednesday. I guess that means this will be a shorter final paragraph. Have a wonderful, safe, and healthy weekend and week. If you wish to send anything to me in an electronic format, ptklein@gmail.com is the most efficient way to do that. Take care, friends.