Words of the day

Good morning, and welcome once more to your weekly installment of UOPTA. "Installment" sounds so boring, but I doubt I'm hip enough to pull off "dish" or "download." Maybe I should use "serving" so that I can say, "The FDA recommends one serving of UOPTA every week." 'Cause nothing's cooler than government agency suggestions. Forget it, "installment" will suffice. In any case, last week's post dealt with some word things that had been on my mind for a while, and as it turns out, I didn't completely exhaust that list. So, if you don't mind, I'm going to get into some more word things this time around.

I've discussed my strong feelings toward song lyrics in the past and how a well- or poorly-placed line can truly make or break a song for me. For example, I just heard "Solisbury Hill" by Peter Gabriel on the radio, and I thoroughly enjoyed his choice of rhyming "scenery" and "machinery." That took some thought and I appreciate it. On the other side of the coin, I'm tired of how many songs use "romance" in proportion to the word's actual usage in our language. Way too many songs (especially in the 60s) end a line with "dance" or "chance" and then throw in an awkward "make a romance" line to rhyme with it. (Except "And Then He Kissed Me," which just keeps "dance" and "chance" together.)

And then there's "Meet Virginia" by the band called Train. They've had a few hit songs, but that was their first and probably biggest. Guess what the chorus does. I'll write it out as a hint:

Well she wants to live her life
Then she thinks about her life
Pulls her hair back as she screams
I don't really wanna live this life

Yes, they not only rhyme "life" with "life," but two lines later they branch out and rhyme it with "life." Pardon my English, but what the fuck is up with that? (Damn, I know I'm about two years late with this, but "Pardon My English" would've been a good name for this blog. Oh well.) Here's where I get super hard to please: I'd be railing just as hard on Train if it were two "life" rhymes and a "strife." That's just like "romance" but worse. Seriously, how often do you use "strife" in your everyday speech? And yet, many a songwriter out there stares at a line on the page ending in "life" and thinks, "Huh, maybe I should change this line around. Or I could just end the next one with 'strife' like a million other songs out there and move on to the fifth chorus." Man that pisses me off. Sorry, I know you probably don't care about this kind of thing like I do, but that's my name in the url so I call the shots around here.

And now I'll get to the item I meant to write about first in this post. As a teenager, I uncovered a way that musicians can artfully make forced rhymes not seem bad at all. I was listening to "Positively 4th Street" by The Great Mumbler (Bob Dylan), and here's what happens in the song: He ends a line with, "If I was a master thief, perhaps I'd rob them." The next line ends with, "Can't you understand, it's not my problem." The way it's set up, the listening audience thinks, "Wow, I guess 'problem' is a good rhyme for 'rob them.'" However, if the lines were reversed, we'd be thinking that it sounded forced and not quite right. There's no doubt in my mind that he came up with the "problem" line first, then chose the forced "rob them" rhyme (and the entire forced line that goes along with it), and then switched the order of them to cover his rhyme-forcing tracks.

So imagine my utter shock years later when listening to a new Sloan album. As stated before here, I really like Sloan, and often especially for their witty lyrics. I was only two songs into the new album I'd just purchased when I heard this line: "And we can help you clear this little problem." Before the next line came, I actually thought to myself, "Ooh, I wonder what they're going to rhyme that with." (Yes, I end sentence with propositions when speaking to myself.) Then the next line came: "Put on your leather jacket so you can rob them." I was thoroughly displeased and disappointed. How did that offend me? Let me count the ways:

1. I held them to a high lyrical standard going into the song.
2. "Problem" and "rob them" is a bad rhyme
3. "Problem" and "rob them" isn't even their bad rhyme
4. They didn't have the good sense to steal the line completely and keep the lines in the same order.

With all of that said, they truly are amazing songwriters, and I wouldn't put it past them to have done that intentionally for some reason. After all, these are the same guys who wrote, "But I don't know what I would stoop to/Have you got another jump I could hoop through." Oh yeah, that was in song one of that same album.

Switching from music words to other words of the world, something caught my eye while I was out with my lovely wife last weekend. We went to the Camarillo outlets to do a little shopping. Neither of us really likes that activity, but the outlets are convenient enough when we go early and beat the crowds that we'll do that from time to time. Anyway, we stopped in Ann Taylor for a few minutes, and a sign above a rack caught my eye. It said, "Denim Pants," referring to the rack full of jeans. Now I understand when car dealerships advertise "pre-owned vehicles" instead of calling them "used." Something "used" has a far worse connotation, and I remember hearing "pre-owned" for the first time and being impressed with that distinction. On a smaller level, I remember when the fast food chain of Jack in the Box started describing their burgers and sandwiches as having "melting cheese" instead of "melted." It caught my ear, and after thinking about it for a second, I agreed with the likely opinion of their ad agency that the active verb makes the food sound hotter and fresher. "Melted" makes it sound like it happened in the past and it's somehow not as fresh. I know that's all subconscious, but I can see why they made that distinction. But, and it's a big but, what the hell is wrong with "jeans"? Were they just trying to make them sound classier? To me, they just sound assier. (You see what I did there? And it almost worked too.)

I have one more item before we bump and grind on over to the Car Watch. That same lovely wife and I went out to a sushi restaurant a few weeks back. I took a look at the specialty drink menu. Some restaurants are cute with their names, and I've been known to order something that I don't even feel like just because of the name. (That happened earlier this week, in fact, when I ordered a chili burger I didn't completely feel like. But hey, it was named "The Kurt Vonnegut Jr." What was I supposed to do?) At this sushi restaurant, one drink name caught my eye and had the opposite effect. It was called the Bananagasm. The ingredients could've been Anti-Aging Serum and Athletic Prowess Juice and I still would never order one.

And now, the moment that at least my homey Rockabye has been waiting for, it's time for the Car Watch! (Insert game show type music here.)

First off, it is known throughout the land that I'm a hyperpunctual lad. I'm early nearly everywhere, and it's something hardwired inside me. So when I got not one but two plates in the same day about tardiness, I thought they deserved to share a paragraph in the blog. First, my loving mother-in-law saw "RUNAN L8." A few short hours later, my homey Rockabye sent me, "SO L8." Please help me understand this: These people apparently know that they're habitually late, but they don't seem to think this is a problem. In fact, they're embracing this tardiness and seem to think it's cute. What the hell, people? Being late is a problem - nay, a sickness - and you need to move past the acceptance stage and do something about it.

Please note, the previous angry paragraph was written by someone who has spent a cumulative total of approximately three years of his life peering out windows while waiting for his late friends. But hey, you can't spell "pent up aggression" without Peter.

Next, my homey Rockabye also sent me this plate: "LVPB+J." I'm all for people having hobbies or things that have special meanings to them, but...a sandwich? If it's someone with kids named Phil, Bart, and Jonas who happen to have the same initials as this kiddie staple, then I kind of apologize. Hey, there's a band called Peter, Bjorn, and John. I never thought about it before, but I guess they'd be nicknamed the same thing. Very interesting. (Ok fine, somewhat interesting.)

Lastly, I saw a plate near my office that read, "9th EYE." Wow, they're going way beyond the norm with that one. What happened to eyes three through eight? And why single out the ninth one? "Mississippi River, Mississippi" has nine Is, but I don't think that's what they were going for. Did the Rat Pack have a total of nine eyes? When Sandy Duncan took over for Valerie Harper in "Valerie," I believe the Hogan family had nine eyes total. Is it mean for me to make fun of the only two one-eyed celebrities I'm aware of? Sure, but it's all in the spirit of finding out the truth behind that plate. Right now, I'm leaning toward the Hogan Family Theory Hypothesis.

And with that, I'm outstro. Before I depart, let's talk about a particular day next week. Thursday is a big ass day, folks. Sure, it's Thanksgiving, but you all knew that already. It's also my 5/12ths birthday, my longtime friend Adam's half-birthday, and my favorite niece's actual half-birthday as she turns six months old. You know what, take that day off. You deserve it. Have a great weekend and week, my homepeople. Eat food, give thanks, and be merry. You can always reach me at ptklein@gmail.com with anything that's on your minds. See you next week.