Misleading the way

Bienvenidos mis amiguitos, and welcome to another Friday here at UOPTA. No, that's not a reminder about it being the Undeniably Orgasmic Playoff Time Again, but that's certainly one way to look at this part of the overlapping NBA and NHL postseasons. (Thanks to Aunt Lynn for sending that UOPTA in - get in the game yourself and send one to ptklein@gmail.com.) No folks, this is the virtual receptacle in which I deposit my thoughts and stories. Thanks for stopping by, and let's see what we've got here today, shall we?

You know what I like? Yes, burritos, but that's not where I was going with this one. That sounds good though. Anyway, I like to see purposely-misleading business names. "Whatever do you mean by that, Peter?" Good question, fake audience member with impeccable manners. I'll tell you what I mean by way of examples.

First off, I've mentioned before in this space that I lived in the student-heavy town of Isla Vista adjacent to UC Santa Barbara for three years. It was a fantastic place for that stage of my life with everything I ever could've wanted, but I hope to never live anywhere like that ever again. The various eateries and establishments in the town added greatly to the experience. Where else can you choose from three places within spitting distance of each other to get a burrito at 2am? Mmm, burrito. Well, sometime in my first couple of years there, a bar opened on the street with the majority of the business establishments. It was called, "The Study Hall," and I thought that was brilliant. I never used the line myself, but I can imagine many students truthfully telling their parents, "I was at The Study Hall all night," while trying to conceal the sound of a smile on their lips. Well played, imaginary students. Even better (or worse, depending on your viewpoint), I assume that if a student were to use a credit card with the parents' billing address, one could come up with a few conceivable ways in which s/he spent twenty bucks while "studying" (snacks, blue books, scantrons, sharpened pencils, etc.). That's putting higher education to work, and I'm all for it.

There are a couple of similar bar names that come to mind in the L.A. area. Notably, there are two "Father's Office" establishments. There's less trickery with that one I think, because one probably wouldn't be able to fool one's parents with that one. Then there's "The Casting Office Bar & Grill" in Universal City. That name actually strikes me as quite sad. Maybe it's just me (and it often is), but I can't help but picture an out-of-work actor telling a loved one that he's going to try "The Casting Office" again today and see if there's any work. "I'm sure something will come up," a supportive parent might say, "You've been going there almost everyday, so something's bound to happen. Hard work and determination are always rewarded." See, you're sad now, right? The only way I can make it better in my mind is to think that maybe casting agents actually go there to unwind after a day on the Universal lot. Then it might actually work out, which would be great for that fictional guy. (Wow, I've made up three people already today. I feel both powerful and a little crazy.)

Lastly, there's another category in which a sneaky name is potentially very helpful: Gentlemens' Clubs. I'm not a fan of strip clubs - they're just not my thing at all - but I can understand that some people like them. If any of those people want to keep that fact hidden, then dropping names like "Paradise Cove" and "The Frisky Kitty" probably won't help the cause. However, there's a strip club near my work called "Plan B." I think that's very wise for two reasons. First, the aforementioned discretion is key (if desired). Second, picture a group of guys who go out and their plans for the night get derailed by one thing or another. "Well, how about plan B?" one might say. And like that, this one particular strip club has made its way into their group consciousness. (By the way, another strip club called 4Play is nearby, which is just a smidge more conspicuous.)

There's also a legendary strip club on Sunset called "The Body Shop," which is very clever in its sneakiness. That said, it's enough of an establishment in L.A. that it's lost most of its deception. I was made aware of this while with a group of guys one day, when one said that "The Body Shop" had burned down. The others lamented that news, and I couldn't figure out what the hell they were talking about. After a few more sentences, I finally understood that they hadn't taken their vehicles there to get worked on. "Ah," I thought, "very clever indeed." I gave it another thought, and an inherent problem came to mind: "Honey, why are you going to the body shop at night? And why are you and your buddies carpooling?" Maybe the owner is content with having a pun in the name and isn't trying to be sneaky after all. Either way, the pun-loving side of me approves of the name.

Not to switch gears too drastically, but I have a random little story to tell. I was in a meeting at work, and one person was telling the other about a very large company with which he associates. "They're the 800 pound elephant in our industry," he said. It took all of my might to hold back from saying, "So...on the small side then?" I did refrain, but I thought his mixed-up metaphor was funny enough to share. I hope I was right.

Ok fine, one more random thought for you all. I have a giant pet peeve of which I only recently became aware. I really dislike when status bars lie to me. I was trying to restart a program on a computer at work, and a bar came up to allegedly show me my progress. It started off empty, but then slowly filled in more and more with little boxes to indicate the rate of completion. It was slow, but I stood there and waited since I could tell approximately how much longer it would take. Minutes later, I started to reach for the mouse as the bar became completely filled. Instead, the bar emptied again and one little box appeared in the far left. "Fooled you!" it may as well have screamed at me. Stupid lying status bar. Seriously, what's the point of even having something like that on the screen if it's completely arbitrary? It's not like it said that was step one of four or anything. Nope, it just pretended to be related to the actual restarting process. I gave it the finger and walked away.

With that, let's make untraceable electronic progress on over to the Car Watch.

My friend Dusty saw a bumper sticker that I rather enjoyed. It read, "Land Rover: The Best 4x4xFar." I think that's brilliant. The use of "x" as another "by" was enough on its own for me, but having "far" sound like "four" was the icing on the cake. Actually, that's a bad metaphor for me. I prefer cake without icing more often than not, because icing tends to make things overly sweet sometimes. Give me a good cake that has some sweet stuff in it, and I'm set.

Here's a license plate from my homey Rockabye that sort of goes with the last one: "CLAP6X." First of all, I would without a doubt pull up next to that car and clap - but only once or twice. They're not the boss of me! Second, the reason I said that this plate sort of goes with the last item is because of its use of the letter X. In this case, it most likely stands for "times." X is pretty versatile, it would appear. Without giving it much thought, it can easily stand for "by," "times," "cross," and "Christ." Speaking of which, I'm used to seeing "X-mas" standing for "Christmas," even though I don't fully understand why. Why then does Christina Aguilera go by "Xtina" occasionally instead of "Xina?" The T is already in the X, right? By the way, when lacrosse players call their sport "LAX," it makes sense and is clever. Final score: Jocks 1, Pop stars 0.

And lastly, my dad saw a plate that read, "OHBEHAV." Is it possible to read that in any voice other than Austin Powers'?

That's it for me, homepeople. I shall return a week from today to dish more of this slop. In the meantime, please help me wish a happy birthday on Monday to my friend and former boss Kim, and on Tuesday to my friend and former employee Devon. If you think of anything at all that you feel like sharing, you can email me at ptklein@gmail.com. Have a happy and healthy weekend and week, friends, and go Lakers!