Usage and abusage

Hello everyone, and welcome to another Friday of potential fun at UOPTA. No, no, that does not stand for "Unicorns On Path To Antarctica," but that does pose additional questions in my mind. First, are they galloping or flying when they're over landmasses? Second, when they fly, do they do so in a V formation like birds or more willy-nilly like some kind of air stampede? And third, why can't I have musical ability so that I could start a band and name it Air Stampede? You can't spell that without Peter, after all. (Thanks to my homey Rockabye for sending in that UOPTA. Please send in your own to ptklein@gmail.com; I'm already almost out of them.) Friends, UOPTA is a place in which I write thoughts and stories (and usually has nothing to do with mythical winged creatures). So let's see what I've got this week, shall we?

Ooh, lots of random items today in my bag of words. Let's start small. There is a word that a great many people say incorrectly, and it comes up just often enough to piss me off: Espresso. That's right, with an S. There's no X in that word, people. Just because you already know a word that sounds like that one but has an X doesn't mean that you have to insert an X into this one. Oh boy, now I'm really getting angry. I just did a search for "expresso" online, and after listing a film and some software by that name, Wikipedia has this: "an alternate spelling of espresso." I refused to believe this and went immediately (without passing Go) to the Merriam Webster site. Sure enough, there's an entry: "Expresso: variant of espresso." Variant? More like f'd up way of saying it. (For the record, my spellcheck doesn't recognize "expresso," so I've got that going for me.)

I understand that the chief concern of a linguist is the actual usage of language and not in how correctly it is being used. I've learned that many of our most proper forms and constructions were born from improper usage. Once it becomes popular enough though, it doesn't matter if it's "right" or not; that's just the way it's being used and is therefore acceptable going forward. And that, my friends, is why I'm not a linguist by profession. If I can't get upset at poorly used English, then that's just not for me. Am I supposed to sit idly by while people say, "I'm literally drownding in paperwork" when it's figurative and there's no D in that word? I don't think so.

Oh crap, the internet just makes me more upset and confused. I don't know why I just did this, but I wanted to see if the incorrect "visa versa" was getting its own entry too. I feel justified in saying this is incorrect because it's Latin. I don't think we should be able to modify a dead language. In any case, I was pleased to see a few sites pointing out that "vice versa" is the correct form instead of the one that bugs me. But then I found this little nugget that turned my world upside down: "Classical Latin pronunciation dictates that the letter C can only make a hard sound...and a v is pronounced like a w; thus wee-keh wehr-suh." Wee-keh wehr-suh? What am I supposed to do with that? I feel like I now have two options. One, I continue saying "vice vehr-suh" going forward, all the while knowing that I'm incorrect and therefore almost as bad as the people who say "visa." Two, I start pronouncing it the Classical Latin way and have nobody understand what the hell I'm talking about. If they figure it out, then I'm Snobby McSnobberson for saying something obscure. It's a lose-lose situation.

Moving on to another item about words. I was on a phone call at work earlier this week, and one person told another that he would "send a facsimile over." I didn't realize that anyone still said that whole word when referring to the electronic transfer of a document through telephone lines. Does that guy also go to the gymnasium after work? And then study mathematics? What if he catches influenza?

Our next item also involves words, but this one actually made me laugh instead of fume. I was in Miami for a conference earlier this year, and I walked past a theater called The Fillmore. However, that's not how I first saw it. For some reason, the sign on the front of the building says, "F THE FILLMORE." The F is in a different font than the other all-cap letters, but it's directly in front of them and really looks like it's part of the name. I found one picture online, but it's from a little too far away. You'll have to trust me on this one. "F THE FILLMORE" it says, and I'd be shocked if a large percentage of people didn't also see it that way. You can't spell "percentage" without Peter, after all.

Ok, last item before we shift gears (pun intended). I've written before about people misunderstanding my name occasionally when I say it. It doesn't happen nearly as often to me as it does my friend Greg, but I've still heard some good ones (i.e. Gator and the completely made-up Geter). Recently though, I got a new one. "Your name?" the young lady asked. "Peter," I said (truthfully, might I add). She made a strange face. "Your name is Dealer?" she asked incredulously. "No," I said, "Peee Terrrrr." "Oh, that makes more sense." Gee, ya think? I wonder which association she made in that brief moment of thinking that my name was Dealer: drug dealer, blackjack dealer, or car dealer? That's the order in which I thought of them.

Ok, I lied. Here's the last item. Sorry about that, but I reminded myself of something and figured I may as well keep on keeping on. I worked for a short amount of time in one of the academic departments at UC Santa Barbara right after graduating and before moving onto the college advising office. This department was very small, with only four full time staff members. One of them, a nice woman we'll call Sherry, kept accidentally referring to me as David for the first two weeks I was there. Every time I corrected her, and every time she laughed and said she didn't know where that was coming from. About a month into my stay there, the department head put a pamphlet in my box with a routing slip on it for people to check off that they'd read it. It had our initials on it, or at least it was supposed to. I could clearly identify everyone else's initials, but instead of mine, there was a "DR." "Hey Sherry," I said, "Did you create these new routing slips?" "Yeah, why?" "I'm not on here," I said. She walked over and took a look. "I did it again! I'm sorry, Peter, I don't know why I keep calling you David, but that should be a P instead." "Um, that's not my last initial either," I said. She looked back at the sheet and then laughed for the next ten minutes. She couldn't explain that one either, but somehow Peter Klein had morphed into David R. when she was typing that up. It was very strange, especially when I brought my friend Dave (whose last name starts with an R) into the office shortly thereafter. The upside of that gaffe was that I could occasionally sign emails as "David R." over the following two months and make her crack up every time.

And with that, let's get ourselves misidentified over at the Car Watch.

A week or two ago, I saw a Lincoln Navigator with the plate, "NVGATOR." "Wow, they really want us to know what kind of car that is, and they're certainly not trusting us to just read what it says on the back." One day later, my favorite brother sent me this plate: "JAGUAAR." Yep, it was on a Jaguar. Not to sound too much like Seinfeld, but what's the deal with that? We can see what kind of car you're driving; you don't need to doubly tell us by also spelling it wrong on your license plate.

My homey Rockabye saw this plate a little while back: "IMMUNE1." Now don't you think that's tempting fate just a little? If I were omnipotent, I'd be tempted to see just how immune that driver is to things. And if I were impotent, I'd probably drive a big truck to overcompensate.

Lastly, I saw a license plate frame that confused me a little bit. On the top, it read, "Sorry." On the bottom: "'Bout That." Is s/he just a really bad driver who wants to issue a preemptive blanket apology? If that driver cut me off or waited at a green light for a few seconds before hitting the gas, I don't think I'd consider that frame as a free pass. Fortunately for both of us, the car behaved just fine while it was near me.

Ok, that's it for PK/DR. I hope you all have glorious weekends and weeks, mis amiguitos. In the meantime: Happy half-birthday to my favorite brother and my good friend Jon tomorrow. Happy Fathers' Day on Sunday (especially to my dad), which is also my homey Rockabye's half-birthday. Happy birthday on Wednesday to my friend Ozzie, and happy half-birthday to Jesus on Thursday. Last but certainly not least, way to go, Lakers! I must take partial credit for their victory, for I finally figured out how I have to sit on my couch for them to win. It involves bending a toe in an odd way which ends up hurting quite a bit after a while, but I'm willing to sacrifice for my team. I wonder if they'll acknowledge me by sending me a championship ring. I'm just as responsible as Adam Morrison (if not more). Anyway, I'm proud of them and hope to sit correctly and cheer them on to next year's title as well. Shaloha, and remember to write to me at ptklein@gmail.com with anything about anything.