Good morning, everyone. I hope this Hump Day has started off in a glorious fashion for you all. Mine started with extra traffic, so that's always a plus. Since I wrote about wheatgrass yesterday, I'm going to stay on the subject of ingestible substances.
But first, I have to ramble and then attempt to pull it all together. Guess who I'm nicer to than the average American? That's right, telemarketers. Don't get me wrong, I really don't like being bothered in an unsolicited manner by people who are selling something I don't want, but I'm a little nicer to them. Sometimes I use sentences like, "I understand the values of what you're selling, but as I stated earlier, I'm not going to be purchasing it." If they persist after two or three times of me nicely saying no, then I tell them, "I'm sorry, but I'm hanging up now." It's a far cry from Catherine Keener's character in "40 Year-Old Virgin" telling a telemarketer to commit suicide, and I'd guess that most people fall somewhere in the vast middle ground.
Here's the thing that gets me about telemarketing though: the ends must justify the means for them to be doing it. That is, if one out of every x number of people takes them up on this unsolicited deal, they make a profit. It's the same reason there are flyers on your car when you come back to it from shopping somewhere. How much did the copies cost? How much are you paying the person per hour to put them on windshields or doorknobs? If it's selling home theater systems, and just one person goes in and buys one, that likely covers every cost and then some. Is this system annoying and bothersome to a large percentage of the population? Oh sure. But until it stops being profitable (which every business owner needs), it'll stick around.
Why was I thinking about this kind of mass, unsolicited marketing? Spam, gentle readers, spam is the answer. First of all, I'm very thankful for designated spam folders in email. They're far from foolproof, but they do a good job at corralling the crap. My wife and I were looking at our spam folders, and we were amazed at how many of the emails were for penis enlargement products. I don't know if it's all for the same product or if each email is for a different one, but the subject lines vary in how they attempt to lure the customer in.
First of all, they waste 50% of their efforts immediately since the subjects are all speaking to men. Still, they must be making money somehow or they wouldn't still be doing this. I've broken down some of the email subjects into a few categories (these are all real emails in my spam folder or my wife's):
The Power of Comparison:
"Adult film stars use it"
"Ron Jeremy uses this"
"Tommy Lee uses this"
Colloquial Science:
"StrongCock" (one word)
"Powerful Dick"
"Make your Jimmy bigger"
"Three inches plus is yours to gain"
Playing on insecurities:
"Improve your manhood"
"Enlarge your manhood!"
"A powerful manhood is only a click away"
Pleasant:
"We offer the selection and prices customers want"
Unpleasant and illiterate:
"your life is really suxx if you fuck like looser or don't do it at all"
Here's one of my main questions: If someone were in the market for "enlarging his manhood," how would he choose one of those emails when they're all sitting in his spam folder next to each other? Maybe he's sitting there thinking, "Man, my life is really suxx because I fuck like looser or don't do it at all...Hey, look at that!" I don't know, and I doubt people are willing to volunteer how they choose one penis enlargement pill over another for a Follow-Up Friday.
I guess it must not cost too much to send out thousands and thousands of emails, so every sale probably makes a big impact for these companies. Enough to cover the costs of making the pills, employee salaries, and everything else associated with a business? I guess so. I don't see how exactly, but I guess it must.
Getting a little off track here: how do you think Hormel feels about "spam" being the universal term of junk e-mail? Not good, I imagine. I mean, it was already the butt of so many jokes before that term was coined. They say no publicity is bad publicity, but I just can't imagine someone associating unwanted email with a food product and then going out to buy some. Maybe that's just me though.
Gentle readers, got any fantastic spam subjects? What other items are you constantly being emailed about besides "making your Jimmy bigger"? Your comments and emails are very much appreciated on this one, because I feel like it's full of potential. So have a great day, and we'll meet back here on the other side of the hump.
But first, I have to ramble and then attempt to pull it all together. Guess who I'm nicer to than the average American? That's right, telemarketers. Don't get me wrong, I really don't like being bothered in an unsolicited manner by people who are selling something I don't want, but I'm a little nicer to them. Sometimes I use sentences like, "I understand the values of what you're selling, but as I stated earlier, I'm not going to be purchasing it." If they persist after two or three times of me nicely saying no, then I tell them, "I'm sorry, but I'm hanging up now." It's a far cry from Catherine Keener's character in "40 Year-Old Virgin" telling a telemarketer to commit suicide, and I'd guess that most people fall somewhere in the vast middle ground.
Here's the thing that gets me about telemarketing though: the ends must justify the means for them to be doing it. That is, if one out of every x number of people takes them up on this unsolicited deal, they make a profit. It's the same reason there are flyers on your car when you come back to it from shopping somewhere. How much did the copies cost? How much are you paying the person per hour to put them on windshields or doorknobs? If it's selling home theater systems, and just one person goes in and buys one, that likely covers every cost and then some. Is this system annoying and bothersome to a large percentage of the population? Oh sure. But until it stops being profitable (which every business owner needs), it'll stick around.
Why was I thinking about this kind of mass, unsolicited marketing? Spam, gentle readers, spam is the answer. First of all, I'm very thankful for designated spam folders in email. They're far from foolproof, but they do a good job at corralling the crap. My wife and I were looking at our spam folders, and we were amazed at how many of the emails were for penis enlargement products. I don't know if it's all for the same product or if each email is for a different one, but the subject lines vary in how they attempt to lure the customer in.
First of all, they waste 50% of their efforts immediately since the subjects are all speaking to men. Still, they must be making money somehow or they wouldn't still be doing this. I've broken down some of the email subjects into a few categories (these are all real emails in my spam folder or my wife's):
The Power of Comparison:
"Adult film stars use it"
"Ron Jeremy uses this"
"Tommy Lee uses this"
Colloquial Science:
"StrongCock" (one word)
"Powerful Dick"
"Make your Jimmy bigger"
"Three inches plus is yours to gain"
Playing on insecurities:
"Improve your manhood"
"Enlarge your manhood!"
"A powerful manhood is only a click away"
Pleasant:
"We offer the selection and prices customers want"
Unpleasant and illiterate:
"your life is really suxx if you fuck like looser or don't do it at all"
Here's one of my main questions: If someone were in the market for "enlarging his manhood," how would he choose one of those emails when they're all sitting in his spam folder next to each other? Maybe he's sitting there thinking, "Man, my life is really suxx because I fuck like looser or don't do it at all...Hey, look at that!" I don't know, and I doubt people are willing to volunteer how they choose one penis enlargement pill over another for a Follow-Up Friday.
I guess it must not cost too much to send out thousands and thousands of emails, so every sale probably makes a big impact for these companies. Enough to cover the costs of making the pills, employee salaries, and everything else associated with a business? I guess so. I don't see how exactly, but I guess it must.
Getting a little off track here: how do you think Hormel feels about "spam" being the universal term of junk e-mail? Not good, I imagine. I mean, it was already the butt of so many jokes before that term was coined. They say no publicity is bad publicity, but I just can't imagine someone associating unwanted email with a food product and then going out to buy some. Maybe that's just me though.
Gentle readers, got any fantastic spam subjects? What other items are you constantly being emailed about besides "making your Jimmy bigger"? Your comments and emails are very much appreciated on this one, because I feel like it's full of potential. So have a great day, and we'll meet back here on the other side of the hump.
3 comments:
My all-time personal favorite example of this - tittle of the email was "Grow One As Big As Shaq's".
Sacky Kevin
Wow, that's fantastic. Although I think I'd probably scream in shock every time I went to the bathroom for at least the first month.
Though I have no male parts to "embiggen," I get several of those emails daily.
I am most disturbed by a sub-class you didn't mention, the implicitly or explicitly violent.
One promised me a "pussy-busting whale dick."
As someone who has those parts, ouch.
No thanks.
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