Feeling peevish

Before anything else, let's get right to the most important business of the day: Happy Birthday, Grandma! If you're reading this, I suggest you stop now, because I'm about to act a fraction of my age. I'm sorry, but it happens from time to time.

A while back, I wrote about the process my wife and I went through in finding a name for our dog. We agreed on Hallie, and I'm quite pleased with our decision, but I'm upset that one name never crossed my mind: Peeve. I think that would've been pretty funny when I introduced her to people for at least a week or two. After that, eh, not so much.

Why do I bring up such a pointless story? Because, gentle readers, we're getting interactive today with our subject. Pet peeves will initially be the topic of discussion, but we'll be ending on a much different note. Things shall be discussed, validated, bandied about, and agreed upon in the comments section. I can feel it!

Sacky Christi, bless her soul, actually writes to ptklein@gmail.com from time to time with suggestions for topics. She offered the topic of pet peeves for a post even though she's planning on using it on her own blog (christihaslosthermind.blogspot.com), and even gave me some ammo start off with.

First, I want to start with me, because I am the first person. I was asked on some survey a while back to list my pet peeve. I wrote something about people being late on my time. I'm quite anal about my own hyperpunctuality, and I don't expect anyone else to be like me in that. However, once it's the agreed-upon time for something, it had better be happening. I don't count the 20 extra minutes of me sitting around because I was early, by the way. I just like for people to be places when they said they would. If not, let me know, and I'll be ok with it. I'm not a monster.

So that's my more general pet peeve. A more specific one would have to be the product that really gets me angry every time: plastic wrap. Man I hate that shit. Every single time I want to use some, it sticks to itself the second I take it out of its cardboard home. Maybe I'm just missing the gene that helps people with plasti-crap (as I call it), but I find it nearly impossible to use as intended. Am I alone in this or is it the bane of other people's existence as well?

And then there's the newest of Peter's pet peeves: when people are on hands-free headsets in public places and talking loudly. I was waiting at the deli counter at the market, and a woman was in a fight with someone on the phone. The only problem was that she was standing one foot away from me, arguing, moving her hands, and really pissing me off. "It's none of your business!" she repeated about five times in a row. Yet somehow it was everyone else's business. Grrrr.

Christi's pet peeve is one that probably doesn't find itself on the top of too many people's lists: when there is serious dialogue in porn. Her explanation: "Why? Some big Hollywood director is not going to hear you in there and think, there's the next Meryl Streep! I must get her for this summer's blockbuster film." I asked if I could use her name for this (and for a little more explanation so my readers don't assume she has porn in her daily rotation), and she wrote back, "Sure. It drives me crazy. We'll be flipping channels, come across obvious porn, and they are having dialogue..not just 'Hey you wanna...' but acting like someone wrote a script. Although - that has to be the easiest job ever, porn script writer. I wonder how much it pays?"

She's got a good point about it seeming like an easy writing gig. I guess it has to be harder than just having a guy say, "Here's your pizza, ma'am," and then starting the sexy-time music. Not much harder though. The real talent lies in the loose adaptations of real movies and making appropriately pun-filled titles. I don't know if these are real or not, but I've heard of "Good Will Humping" and "Shaving Ryan's Privates." I assume they do this for more than just Matt Damon's movies. I once saw some of "Lord of the G-Strings" with a character named Dildo Saggins (instead of Bilbo Baggins) and thought that was hilarious. As it turned out, my neighbors Kareem and Laura and my friend Greg had seen the same one. Greg even incorporated "Dildo Saggins" into a song we sometimes hear on the radio.

I should help out the many porn writers who frequent UOPTA by giving them titles to future adaptations. Let's see here... how about "Babes of Glory," "Bump and Grindhouse," "300...and counting," or "Ride 'er Man 3." That was way too easy. I hope they're not paid too much.

Then there are the movies that don't need a change in title. "Next," Nicolas Cage's new movie, for example, could work just fine like that with the right plotline. Same with "The Firm," "A Few Good Men," or possibly other Tom Cruise movies. In any case, here's where one part of the interactive nature of today's post comes into play. First, I'd love to hear your own thoughts on adapting movie names into Pornspeak. Or, if there are titles that you think don't need any modification at all, list those as well. My goal here is to have my gentle readers interacting with one another a little. For example, if my mom writes that "War of the Girls" would be a good title, Melissa might counter with "Whore of the Worlds." I hereby authorize you to be as juvenile and vulgar as necessary. It's Monday, for Pete's sake, let's have fun with this. The best of the lot will get a special mention in this week's Follow Up Friday, and if that's not enough incentive to think dirtily for a minute, then I don't know what is.

Yes, I'm sinking that low for today's offering, my friends and family. Won't you join me in this low form of humor? Come sink to my level, and we'll save actual brainwork for another time.

The other interaction I'd like today in the comments section (if I may be so bold) is to hear other people's pet peeves. I know you have them, so stop trying to appear normal. For some, they'll probably be fairly typical (loud gum smacking, etc.), but I know there are some strange ones among my strange readers.

Have a great day, please start commenting like you've never commented before, and I hope to be mired in serious(ly stupid) discussion with you all shortly.