Wise men and women throughout existence have lamented the lack of "sure things" in this world. There are the standard exceptions of death and taxes, but even those are questionable (see Presley, Elvis and Capone, Al, respectively). However, since I can remember, there has been an absolute and constant force in my life: On the same day of every year, my mother will say the following words: "Mrs. Bailey called." That day is April 1.
Mrs. Bailey was the principal of the elementary school my brother and I attended. I'm pretty sure that this happened the same way every year. My mom probably was going about her day, then saw the date and realized that it was April Fools' Day. Not having planned any kind of a prank, so went for the easy but scary premise of trouble in school.
I imagine it must have gotten us the first time, but I have no recollection of that. The only thing I remember is that my brother and I would be playing something and my mom would walk in with a solemn look on her face. "Boys, Mrs. Bailey called today," she'd say. "Ha ha ha," we'd sarcastically laugh. "Very funny, Mom." The thing is, she kept going.
I'd drive myself home from high school and walk in to see my mom looking upset. "What's wrong?" "Mrs. Bailey just called," she'd say. Or I'd be away at college and have a message from my mom saying she just got off the phone with Mrs. Bailey and I was in big trouble. I think it's safe to say that she "got me" more often when Mrs. Bailey wasn't my principal than when she was.
I was a really good kid in elementary school. If Mrs. Bailey really had really called, it might've been to relay good news, like I won some award or something. (I actually did win an award there once, and it was named after the school's founder, Edna Mae Dye. Turns out, Edna Did Dye, so her name was much more non-committal than it needed to be.)
So a couple of years ago, April 1 was coming up, and I wanted to have the perfect comeback for my mom's announcement that Mrs. Bailey called. I kept coming up with variations of, "Look, it was a one-time lapse of judgment that didn't mean anything to me. Tell her to get off my back already!" They were good, but I wanted something better. Here's what I ended up doing:
First, I created a new email address with something like "mrsbailey2000" as my i.d. Then, on the morning of April 1, I sent my mom and email that read something like this:
"Dear Mrs. Klein,
I know this is well overdue, but my sponsor is encouraging me to make amends with those whom I have wronged in the past. Please hear me out, even though you would have every right to ignore my attempt at reconciliation. Mrs. Klein, I apologize for not giving your son Peter first prize for his Valley Forge diorama. It was clearly the best project there, but I had put my own interests ahead of those of the students. Mandy Sommers' mom offered me cash in exchange for her daughter's victory, and I took it. To be frank, I was a whore for money. I was living from fix to fix at the time, and that cash enabled me to score a gnarly amount of prime angel dust. In my own mixed-up logic, I thought I was helping to keep myself sane, when (as I've recently learned in the program) the exact opposite was true.
Please know that Peter did everything right to win that first prize. He just had the unfortunate luck of running into a judge with a hard-core jonesing for some quality shit. Peter was the funniest, most intelligent, and downright sexiest student to ever step foot on our campus, and I will never fully forgive myself for betraying him. Please let him know how sorry I am, and if you think it would be wise, you can forward this along. Once again, I'm sorry that the drug-induced hell that was my life spilled into yours. I humbly ask for your forgiveness.
Peace out homey,
Mrs. Bailey"
My mom called me a couple of hours later. "You'll never guess who wrote me," she began. She only got about 3 or 4 more words out before she broke character and started laughing. Mission accomplished.
I still get a call every April Fools' Day saying that Mrs. Bailey called, including this past weekend. Now, my responses are usually something like, "Will you tell her to please leave me alone? She's caused our family enough pain already. Oh, unless she's dealing again - I'm totally running low on my stash." Ah, drug jokes: the gifts that keep on giving.
Before I go, I thought I'd throw a little Guess the Fakey out there. Just one actor, and just one made-up title. The rest are all actual movies he was in. Post your guesses in the comments section, and I'll post the answer in this week's FUF.
George Clooney:
Combat High
Knights of the Kitchen Table
Journey to Hanali
Red Surf
Rewrite for Murder
Predator: The Concert
Without Warning: Terror in the Towers
Return to Horror High
Curdled
Leatherheads
White Jazz
Have a good Monday, everyone, and write to ptklein@gmail.com with anything that might help me stretch my thoughts into an appropriate length for a post.
Mrs. Bailey was the principal of the elementary school my brother and I attended. I'm pretty sure that this happened the same way every year. My mom probably was going about her day, then saw the date and realized that it was April Fools' Day. Not having planned any kind of a prank, so went for the easy but scary premise of trouble in school.
I imagine it must have gotten us the first time, but I have no recollection of that. The only thing I remember is that my brother and I would be playing something and my mom would walk in with a solemn look on her face. "Boys, Mrs. Bailey called today," she'd say. "Ha ha ha," we'd sarcastically laugh. "Very funny, Mom." The thing is, she kept going.
I'd drive myself home from high school and walk in to see my mom looking upset. "What's wrong?" "Mrs. Bailey just called," she'd say. Or I'd be away at college and have a message from my mom saying she just got off the phone with Mrs. Bailey and I was in big trouble. I think it's safe to say that she "got me" more often when Mrs. Bailey wasn't my principal than when she was.
I was a really good kid in elementary school. If Mrs. Bailey really had really called, it might've been to relay good news, like I won some award or something. (I actually did win an award there once, and it was named after the school's founder, Edna Mae Dye. Turns out, Edna Did Dye, so her name was much more non-committal than it needed to be.)
So a couple of years ago, April 1 was coming up, and I wanted to have the perfect comeback for my mom's announcement that Mrs. Bailey called. I kept coming up with variations of, "Look, it was a one-time lapse of judgment that didn't mean anything to me. Tell her to get off my back already!" They were good, but I wanted something better. Here's what I ended up doing:
First, I created a new email address with something like "mrsbailey2000" as my i.d. Then, on the morning of April 1, I sent my mom and email that read something like this:
"Dear Mrs. Klein,
I know this is well overdue, but my sponsor is encouraging me to make amends with those whom I have wronged in the past. Please hear me out, even though you would have every right to ignore my attempt at reconciliation. Mrs. Klein, I apologize for not giving your son Peter first prize for his Valley Forge diorama. It was clearly the best project there, but I had put my own interests ahead of those of the students. Mandy Sommers' mom offered me cash in exchange for her daughter's victory, and I took it. To be frank, I was a whore for money. I was living from fix to fix at the time, and that cash enabled me to score a gnarly amount of prime angel dust. In my own mixed-up logic, I thought I was helping to keep myself sane, when (as I've recently learned in the program) the exact opposite was true.
Please know that Peter did everything right to win that first prize. He just had the unfortunate luck of running into a judge with a hard-core jonesing for some quality shit. Peter was the funniest, most intelligent, and downright sexiest student to ever step foot on our campus, and I will never fully forgive myself for betraying him. Please let him know how sorry I am, and if you think it would be wise, you can forward this along. Once again, I'm sorry that the drug-induced hell that was my life spilled into yours. I humbly ask for your forgiveness.
Peace out homey,
Mrs. Bailey"
My mom called me a couple of hours later. "You'll never guess who wrote me," she began. She only got about 3 or 4 more words out before she broke character and started laughing. Mission accomplished.
I still get a call every April Fools' Day saying that Mrs. Bailey called, including this past weekend. Now, my responses are usually something like, "Will you tell her to please leave me alone? She's caused our family enough pain already. Oh, unless she's dealing again - I'm totally running low on my stash." Ah, drug jokes: the gifts that keep on giving.
Before I go, I thought I'd throw a little Guess the Fakey out there. Just one actor, and just one made-up title. The rest are all actual movies he was in. Post your guesses in the comments section, and I'll post the answer in this week's FUF.
George Clooney:
Combat High
Knights of the Kitchen Table
Journey to Hanali
Red Surf
Rewrite for Murder
Predator: The Concert
Without Warning: Terror in the Towers
Return to Horror High
Curdled
Leatherheads
White Jazz
Have a good Monday, everyone, and write to ptklein@gmail.com with anything that might help me stretch my thoughts into an appropriate length for a post.
4 comments:
That was a regretable chapter in my life that is now closed. If you continue to drag my good name through the mud, you will be hearing from my attorneys. By the way, your Valley Forge was ordinary. Adam Hamill's Monticello was far superior.
I'm guessing George Clooney never made the movie Rewrite for Murder. And for your information, Mrs. Bailey really does call every April 1st. Cross my heart. Would your mother lie to you?
Clooney - If you are not including voice over animated stuff, then "Curdled" if yes then "Leatherheads". I know that doesn't make sense, but I typed it anyway and it stands.
I have to say that the payback email you sent to your mother was priceless. Laughing until you cry has been shown to have lasting physical benefits. So for that, I thank you.
Hey Pete, a little over a year ago Steve ran into Mrs. Bailey at Stonefire Grill in Valencia. She seemd fine and appeared drug-free. She even attended your brother and Jennifer's 20 year Pinecrest Reunion. Just thought you would want to know she ended up ok.
p.s. Clooney-White Jazz
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