Good morning, everyone. Before I launch into any story or thoughts, I first have to announce something that I should've announced a week or two ago but didn't want the media frenzy: I am baby Dannielynn's mother. There, I finally got that off my chest. Oh, they already have proof that Anna Nicole was the mom? Nevermind then. In all seriousness though, why do so many people care about that story? I guess when "news" has elements of sex, betrayal, drugs, and rich people, it's bound to be a hit. Yay, America!
And now, today's top stories. Guess what, everyone? I'm a strange person and I do strange things from time to time. If I haven't illustrated that enough in this space yet, maybe this story will help. I look for patterns in the universe. I want to discover some if-then statement in our existence that is accurate 100% of the time. What do I mean by that? I'll tell ya. (Fade out)
(Fade back in) I can trace it all back to me shooting baskets at home as a kid. I'd make a shot, and then I would try to replicate the exact situation and try it again. If my tongue was in a certain spot in my mouth when I made the first one, it would be there again for the next attempt. If I had a particular line of a song in my head when the ball went through the hoop, I'd go right back to that line. I wasn't looking for "lucky" things that equaled more made baskets; I was looking for a pattern. Therefore, if I missed the second shot, I didn't try that method again. 100% or nothing.
Years later, I remember being at a blackjack table in Vegas with some friends. I had picked up one of my $5 chips and noticed I was rubbing it with my thumb as the dealer busted and I won the hand. The next hand, I stayed in the same exact position and rubbed the chip the same exact way. I won again. Next hand yielded the same result. And the next, and the next. This went on for eight straight hands, and I didn't change a single thing about my approach. Then I lost the next hand, and that was that. I know that might seem ridiculous to give up on that method when it was working so well, but I'm not looking for something that works 88.89% of the time.
During the Laker run of championships, I thought I had found one. For big games, the following things would have to happen: I would wear certain boxers, I would watch the game with Dusty, and we would drink Sierra Nevada Pale Ale. Go ahead and laugh, but we were victorious the first ten times we did that. We really believed in that combo's power, so we didn't over-use it. Only for very big games did we bust it out, lest we would appear greedy. Then, against the Pistons, it came up well short. There was no pattern there after all, so there was no need to try that again.
My attempts nowadays are generally unnoticed, but they still happen. If I hear a bird chirp right as I lift my arm, I'll lift it again a second later to test it out. If I bowl a strike with a song in my head, that song's staying in my head until I leave a pin standing. These aren't superstitions but rather attempts to figure something out about the way things are interconnected in the world.
Whenever this comes up, my wife tells me that she doesn't think the world works that way. "But what if I found one?" I ask her. She agrees that it would be groundbreaking and shake the very fabric of everything we know to be true. So if I repeat a sentence because a car backfired the first time I said it, so what? That's not too large an impact on my life, and the potential far outweighs the minor inconvenience. I don't expect to find anything, but could you imagine if I did? Seriously, how cool would that be? I'd share it with you all, of course (once the proper paperwork was filed).
I thought of sharing my quest for patterns with you all because I need to give an overdue shoutout to my sister-in-law, Weezie. She won the Klein Invitational College Basketball Pick 'Em Tournament Bracket Game this year. She doesn't regularly read UOPTA, but she still feels like she deserves a mention in cyberspace. We had 12 people in the "league," and Weezie ended up in the 99th percentile of the 2 million plus brackets on Yahoo's site. The thing is, she knows nothing about college basketball. More impressively, she won the previous year also. The year before that? Dead last.
At the time of her first victory, I thought the "worst to first" storyline was poetic and I openly rooted for her (once my bracket was all red-lined out). After that first win though, she was like the Yankees, and espn.com's Bill Simmons says that rooting for the Yankees is like rooting for the house in blackjack. But she won again. This time, she even started talking shit to the rest of us, suggesting that we do this for money next time. I'm publishing this prediction on the internets for all to see (or the 8-10 of you who read this at least): Weezie will not win next year. How can I be so sure? We found her secret, and for the first time, I'm trying to prove that a pattern doesn't exist.
This year and last year, Weezie named her team after her son (and official UOPTA nephew) Shawn. That has spelled victory 100% of the time for her. So normally I'd be encouraging her to do it again and see if the magic holds up. This time though, I want to see how the universe will cope with two teams named after the Shawny Man. What about 5 teams? We have to wait until March 08 to see how that will play out, and I can't wait. By the way, if every team named after Shawn ties for first place, I'm pretty sure my head would explode.
And now, today's top stories. Guess what, everyone? I'm a strange person and I do strange things from time to time. If I haven't illustrated that enough in this space yet, maybe this story will help. I look for patterns in the universe. I want to discover some if-then statement in our existence that is accurate 100% of the time. What do I mean by that? I'll tell ya. (Fade out)
(Fade back in) I can trace it all back to me shooting baskets at home as a kid. I'd make a shot, and then I would try to replicate the exact situation and try it again. If my tongue was in a certain spot in my mouth when I made the first one, it would be there again for the next attempt. If I had a particular line of a song in my head when the ball went through the hoop, I'd go right back to that line. I wasn't looking for "lucky" things that equaled more made baskets; I was looking for a pattern. Therefore, if I missed the second shot, I didn't try that method again. 100% or nothing.
Years later, I remember being at a blackjack table in Vegas with some friends. I had picked up one of my $5 chips and noticed I was rubbing it with my thumb as the dealer busted and I won the hand. The next hand, I stayed in the same exact position and rubbed the chip the same exact way. I won again. Next hand yielded the same result. And the next, and the next. This went on for eight straight hands, and I didn't change a single thing about my approach. Then I lost the next hand, and that was that. I know that might seem ridiculous to give up on that method when it was working so well, but I'm not looking for something that works 88.89% of the time.
During the Laker run of championships, I thought I had found one. For big games, the following things would have to happen: I would wear certain boxers, I would watch the game with Dusty, and we would drink Sierra Nevada Pale Ale. Go ahead and laugh, but we were victorious the first ten times we did that. We really believed in that combo's power, so we didn't over-use it. Only for very big games did we bust it out, lest we would appear greedy. Then, against the Pistons, it came up well short. There was no pattern there after all, so there was no need to try that again.
My attempts nowadays are generally unnoticed, but they still happen. If I hear a bird chirp right as I lift my arm, I'll lift it again a second later to test it out. If I bowl a strike with a song in my head, that song's staying in my head until I leave a pin standing. These aren't superstitions but rather attempts to figure something out about the way things are interconnected in the world.
Whenever this comes up, my wife tells me that she doesn't think the world works that way. "But what if I found one?" I ask her. She agrees that it would be groundbreaking and shake the very fabric of everything we know to be true. So if I repeat a sentence because a car backfired the first time I said it, so what? That's not too large an impact on my life, and the potential far outweighs the minor inconvenience. I don't expect to find anything, but could you imagine if I did? Seriously, how cool would that be? I'd share it with you all, of course (once the proper paperwork was filed).
I thought of sharing my quest for patterns with you all because I need to give an overdue shoutout to my sister-in-law, Weezie. She won the Klein Invitational College Basketball Pick 'Em Tournament Bracket Game this year. She doesn't regularly read UOPTA, but she still feels like she deserves a mention in cyberspace. We had 12 people in the "league," and Weezie ended up in the 99th percentile of the 2 million plus brackets on Yahoo's site. The thing is, she knows nothing about college basketball. More impressively, she won the previous year also. The year before that? Dead last.
At the time of her first victory, I thought the "worst to first" storyline was poetic and I openly rooted for her (once my bracket was all red-lined out). After that first win though, she was like the Yankees, and espn.com's Bill Simmons says that rooting for the Yankees is like rooting for the house in blackjack. But she won again. This time, she even started talking shit to the rest of us, suggesting that we do this for money next time. I'm publishing this prediction on the internets for all to see (or the 8-10 of you who read this at least): Weezie will not win next year. How can I be so sure? We found her secret, and for the first time, I'm trying to prove that a pattern doesn't exist.
This year and last year, Weezie named her team after her son (and official UOPTA nephew) Shawn. That has spelled victory 100% of the time for her. So normally I'd be encouraging her to do it again and see if the magic holds up. This time though, I want to see how the universe will cope with two teams named after the Shawny Man. What about 5 teams? We have to wait until March 08 to see how that will play out, and I can't wait. By the way, if every team named after Shawn ties for first place, I'm pretty sure my head would explode.
I turn to you, gentle readers. Do you ever search for these patterns of which I speak? Found any yet? While the gambling one or basket-shooting one surely would've had its benefits, I'll gladly take any pattern I find. (Actually, I did notice recently that every time I push the center of my steering wheel, I hear a car honk. Do you think that counts?)
One final note before I depart this glorious Thursday: Happy Anniversary to our good friends Lisa and Paul. They have about a year on us in wedded tenure, but we have a taller Average Couple Height, so there. Our ACH is about 5'8 and a half, which is pretty solid.
One final note before I depart this glorious Thursday: Happy Anniversary to our good friends Lisa and Paul. They have about a year on us in wedded tenure, but we have a taller Average Couple Height, so there. Our ACH is about 5'8 and a half, which is pretty solid.
5 comments:
Peter, you are even stranger than I knew. There is so much going on inside your head, your brain must never rest. Some of what you say does sound familiar though. Rather than looking for patterns, I seem to always be searching for predicters. When I was pregnant and waiting for an elevator, I would think "If the third one comes first, I will be having a girl." Or if I make this green light, I wll win at Mah Jongg. If the things I hope for happen, then I take comfort in feeling fate is on my side. If the middle elevator arrives first, or I stop for the red light, the I dismiss it as a silly game. Maybe you aren't the only odd one here after all.
Patterns.
In sports you see it all the time. The one I hate the most is when Jason Kidd blows a kiss before every free throw. Then there is the obsessive/compulsive behavior of Nomar Garciaparra when he loosens and tightens every piece of velcro known to man after EVERY pitch. He taps his toe, touches his helmet and forearm. I like him, so I think it's funny. In golf there are pre-shot "routines" you go through before each shot. When a shot doesn't turn out the way you wanted it to, you then can justify the poor result because you didn't go through your pre-shot routine properly. Last weekend I had the best round of golf I've ever had. So...The next time I played, I used the same type of ball with the same sharpie marking on it. I played with the same people. I wore the same hat. I used the same color tees. Well....nothing is perfect. My score went from 70 to 82. So much patterns.
I don't know, Pop. I think the things you mentioned are more superstitions than patterns. Kidd doesn't make every free throw and Nomar doesn't get a hit every time. They've gotten complacent and are fine with high percentages. I want 100%, and if I were them, I would've abandoned those strategies right after the first miss or out.
And Mom, yeah, you're an odd one too. Can't run from that.
Actually Pete, when Weezie finished dead last she called herself Preggie Princess - potentially a Shawn Klein reference. So maybe the pattern is not 100% already.
Son of Man - I hear your argument, but I don't think it's valid. She essentially named her team that year after herself, not Shawn. After he was born, the following two were named much more after him, and she's won both times. Big difference in my book.
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