FUF #31

Good morning. This post may be a little brief compared to previous ones, and I apologize. After, you may find yourselves thinking, "It must've been FUF, but it's oooover now." Ah yes, nothing like a little Roxette to get this party started. I personally prefer "She's Got the Look" by them, in case you were wondering. It's a Follow Up Friday, folks, so let's get right into some F'ing U, some random bullshit, and the almost unfathomably entertaining Car Watch.

I spent the largest part of the last two weeks talking about driving, and unaccustomed as I am to such things, some readers emailed me with stories about being pulled over. I think crazier things have happened, but I'm not positive. First, my mom wrote in to remind me that she's been pulled over three times and been let off the hook all three times. When speeding, she said that she was really sorry, and the cop let her go. She didn't stop for a pedestrian at a crosswalk and got pulled over for instance #2. She told the officer that his car was blocking her view of the person, and he let her off with a warning. The third time, she was clocked at 56mph in a 40mph zone and still no ticket. She swears there were no sexual favors involved, and I guess I have to take her word for it and assume she's just incredibly lucky.

RighterLady, my favorite reader from the Garden State, sent me a story about not getting a ticket as well. After having a horrible, horrible day at work, she was bawling in her car when she got pulled over. I'll let her tell it: "When I finally managed to explain to him what had happened, he not only passed on writing me a speeding ticket, but offered me a police escort home...apparently I was quite the mess...He made it a point to tell me, 'You know, when women cry I usually automatically write them a ticket, but your story is awful. I'm really sorry for what happened to you today. Are you sure you'll be ok?' Nice to know that I wasn't overreacting...." I wonder if he has a standard response for men crying.

On the flipside of the whole non-ticket thing, I have two reader stories. First, my dad knows someone whose wife received three tickets in one day. The first one for speeding, the second for rolling through a stop sign, and the last one for double-parking so she could run and put something into a mailbox. Call me crazy, but after two tickets in a day, I wouldn't get back in the car until the next morning, let alone double-park somewhere. Honestly, Wife of Friend of Dad, what were you thinking?

Lastly on this topic, my homey Rockabye didn't send me an email on this, but I remember him telling me about his brother getting two speeding tickets in a matter of 8 minutes. If memory serves, they were listening to a Matchbox 20 cd and had only gotten about one more song into it when there were more lights behind them. That's just shitty. Personally, I blame Matchbox 20.

Ok, ready for some random shiznit? My brother called me to say that he saw a staffing agency with a "Now Hiring" sign in their window. Way to go, guys. That's glorious.

Last Friday, I stepped up and helped my co-workers out in a time of need. After, I said to them, "You know why I did that? 'Cause I'm a team player. Oh! Check this out! Ready? (Ahem) And you can't spell 'team player' without Peter!" I was so proud of myself for realizing that while in the moment that I built it up a little too much. I still think that's pretty f'n cool though.

My friend Kelli Walters (who I mentioned last FUF) wrote me again thanking me for using her full name another time. She hopes that it increases the likelihood of her finding herself on Google instead of others with her name. "Suck on that, high school track star Kelli Walters!" she said. I'm glad to be of service, Kelli Walters. Kelli Walters.

Why does every store tell us that they're "conveniently located" somewhere? Convenient for whom, exactly? People who live nearby? Or is it convenient for us that they actually have a location? In truth, it would be inconvenient to hear about a store I want to check out and then learn that they don't exist. Those wily bastards.

I realized for the first time earlier this week that "dame" is almost certainly from "Madame." Did you guys already know this? It's probably either, "Yes, but I don't really care about those things" or "No, but I don't really care about those things." I think it's interesting that both "Madame" and "dame" have a positive and negative connotation each. One thing's clear: that Judi Dench is some dame. Hot damn.

And now, as if you're not already fully saturated with words about cars and driving, it's Car Watch time! (Cue the music. What's that, no music? Aw man.)

I looked over at the car next to me on the freeway two days ago, and the driver was wearing an eye patch over the only eye that I could see. I'm assuming the other one was viable and in the process of seeing the road, but I got over a lane just in case. Doesn't that throw one's depth perception off? I guess just as much as not having an eye, come to think of it.

I saw a sticker that read, "Die MTV Die." That's a pretty strong stance to take against a network. I would think "Don't Watch MTV" or "MTV Sucks" would get the point across without wishing death upon it.

You may recall that I enjoy seeing the "(Blank) Do It (Blank)" stickers, such as "Thespians Do It on Stage" and "Makeup Artists Do It on Your Face." Two have caught my eye recently. First, the un-punny "Italians Do It Better." This genre is usually so full of pun that it made me laugh to see just a blanket statement like that. The other was more commonly punned: "Environmentalists Do It for Future Generations." How true, how true.

I spied a license plate frame that made me chuckle: "I'm not speeding...I'm qualifying."

Ok, just a few more. My homey Rockabye saw a frame that read, "My other vehicle is UNMANNED." I'm hoping it's just something like a paper airplane and not an 18-wheeler.

He also saw a bumper sticker that he felt was dumb and I fully agree. "I L(Heart) Vermont." Really? Do you lheart it or do you llove it, because I can't tell. I lhate you.

Last and probably least, I saw a non-vanity plate that began with "4SKN" and my inner 14 year-old thought it was hilarious. The outer 30 year-old thought it was pretty funny too, I must say.

Ok, gentle readers, here's the deal. My lovely wife and I are driving to Vegas this afternoon for a weekend getaway. I just spent the last week writing about me not getting tickets, so I feel like I totally jinxed myself. Maybe by bringing that up, I'm actually reverse-jinxing myself and everything will be fine. Hmmm. My wife always tells me that "things don't work like that," but it sure was interesting to receive a jury duty summons a day or two after we discussed the lack of those in our lives recently. I'm just sayin'. Have a wonderful weekend, and I'll be conveniently located back here on Monday.