That's what he said

On this final day of July, I am happy to say hello and welcome you to UOPTA. No, that doesn't stand for, "Unexplored Oceans Produce Treasure...Arrrgh," but hey, I'm not one to argue the veracity of that statement. Instead, this UOPTA is where I share some thoughts and stories with whoever chooses to read them. Right now that's you, so please enjoy. (Also, please send in your own version of UOPTA to ptklein@gmail.com. Come on, it's fun.)

Just typing the word "veracity" reminded me of a quick story. The summer before my junior year of high school, I took an SAT prep course with a couple of friends. It was thrilling, let me assure you. I only remember four things from that entire week-long class. One, I bought the cd single of "Soul to Squeeze" by the Red Hot Chili Peppers and listened to it incessantly during that time. Two, I ran into an old friend from elementary school with whom I had lunch on two of the days. Three, one of my friends had talked about a "girlfriend" who "went to a different school." On day one of the class, he stopped and turned white. "What's up?" I asked. There she was, and it was about to be painfully clear that they were just friends. I pretended that I didn't notice their lack of more-than-friendship (even though they never sat together or really spoke), which I think was very nice of me. And the fourth thing was this incident of me feeling really smart:

We were sitting in the middle of the large meeting room, going over various vocabulary words. After a few, the instructor put up the word "veracious." "Who knows what this word means?" he asked. I waited for someone else to speak up, but no one did. The instructor sat there waiting, so I raised my hand and said, "Truthful." "Very good," he said. My friend turned to me. "How did you know that?" "Well, there's also 'voracious,' which is having a big appetite, but this one has the same root as other truth words like 'veracity' or the Latin 'veritas.'" The instructor then said, "Keep in mind, there's also 'voracious' with an O, which means 'having a huge appetite.' This one is with an E and has the same root as other similar words that have to do with truth, like 'veracity' and 'veritable' or the Latin word, 'veritas.'" My friend turned to me again with a look that was equal parts shock, admiration, and disbelief. I tried playing it cool and just shrugged. Inside though, I was hoping the instructor would ask about something else I knew, like the U.S. states in alphabetical order or the lyrics to "Taking Retards to the Zoo" by The Dead Milkmen. Strangely, neither came up.

It wasn't the actual knowledge that made me feel smart there, but the fact that my response was almost exactly the same as the instructor's. This same thing happened quite often recently in a specific area: televised basketball games. I know it's all a function of listening to play-by-play announcers for my entire life and getting a sense of what they're going to say, but it got pretty silly at one point during the playoffs. After a touch foul under the basket, I'd say, "You gotta wrap him up there to prevent the three-point play, especially in the fourth quarter." And then the announcer would say the same exact thing - really word-for-word. For the first few times, my lovely wife just smiled. But after the tenth time of predicting exactly what the announcer would say in a two-day period, she looked at me and said, "How do you keep doing that?" I said that my favorite brother or any of my basketball-loving friends would probably be able to do the same thing, and it was probably just a testament to the announcers saying the same things over and over again. (Cameramen too, actually: my friend Greg pointed out that every time there's a 24-second shot clock violation, they show the coach of that team. Every single time.) The highlight of me being really in tune with what would happen on the court was at the end of one game in the conference finals. "If they set the high pick there, Howard can curl around for the alley-oop," I said. Sure enough, that's exactly what happened one second later. Yes, you can touch me.

Earlier this week, a similar topic came up in conversation. We were having dinner at our friends Sarah and Keith's new house. Sarah said that sometimes Keith's parents know what each other is thinking or going to say. She thought that was weird but my lovely wife didn't think so, and said it's probably quite common in couples who have been together for a long time. Of course, I then stared intensely at her. "Oh great, now he's trying to prove me wrong." "What am I thinking, honey?" I asked. "He's thinking of something random and strange that I'd never guess. Ok, I give up." "Duh, the Brickyard 400. It's a Nascar event." I apparently proved both of her points.

My parents, who have been married a whopping 40 years as of this past June, know each other's mind and thought processes quite well. There was one kind of scary moment in which they didn't even know they'd linked brains. Years back, we were playing "The Dictionary Game," which was "Balderdash" before "Balderdash" existed. I chose a word (that I sadly can't remember right now), and everyone else wrote their fake definitions on little pieces of paper. I collected them all and prepared to read them to the group. Shockingly, two of the little pieces of paper said the same exact thing: "An edge or cornerstone." What the hell? I brought this to their attention, and it turned out that they each thought that the word I chose sounded a little familiar, but couldn't remember what it meant. Sure enough, the real definition had to do with a cornerstone, but it's still really freaky that they both wrote the same four words as their definitions. Weirdos.

It's a familiarity thing, and I wouldn't say that kind of pseudo mind-reading is limited to spouses. I have three examples of this that immediately come to mind. First off, my favorite brother and I were standing in our parents' kitchen a few months ago when a plane went by overhead. At the same time, we both made a sound that approximated a note on an electric guitar. We laughed, because we realized that we were both doing the beginning of "Back in the USSR" by the Beatles. With enough shared memories and experiences, that kind of thing happens. Next up, I sent my friend Greg an email referring to a stupid/awesome R. Kelly song. I sent some of my favorite lines: "And then he looks at the cabinet/He goes up to the cabinet/ Now he's at the cabinet/ Now he opens the cabinet." Brilliant stuff, no? After I sent it, I thought, "I should tell someone that I know how Greg's going to reply. He's going to say, 'The man was a midget...midget...midget.'" That's another great part of the song, of course. I was wrong. He only wrote back, "A midget...midget...midget" without the first few words. Some friend I am. And lastly, as I wrote in this space about two and half years ago, my friend Dusty and I had the same kind of encounter. "Nothing lasts forever, kids," our loony English teacher said in high school. Dusty and I turned to each other and said at the same time, "Styrofoam." That, my friends, is some crazy ass familiarity. (Those three guys, incidentally, made up my side of our wedding party. And this weekend, I'm heading off to Dusty's bachelor party, so things lined up nicely there thematically and temporally, no?)

And with that, let's refrain from biodegrading as we head over to the Car Watch.

My homey Rockabye saw a license plate that he shared with me: "FACE (Heart)FF." Does this person love to face off against others in some form of competition (ranging from boxing to debating to yodeling)? Or is s/he that big a fan of the Nicholas Cage and John Travolta film? I like the movie, don't get me wrong, but that seems a bit extreme. Either way, I have trouble mentally reconciling something as inherently antagonistic as a face off with the universal symbol for love. That's weird, right?

My dad saw a fairly common license plate frame around these parts that featured UCLA's name and colors. The plate on that car read, "UKLAFAN." No, no, NO! It's a frickin' acronym in which you have to say the right letters for people to know what the hell you're talking about! Sure, a hard C sound is the same as a K's, but that doesn't mean you can interchange them wherever you please without any regard for the intended message. I hate that car.

Lastly, I was a few cars away from another vehicle, and I thought I read a plate that said, "CUPONTV." "See you pee on t.v.?!" I said aloud? "No way!" I immediately started formulating this paragraph, complete with jokes about the next level of reality shows, fetishes, and a whole host of other highbrow concepts. Then I changed lanes and got closer to that car. "CUP OVT," it actually read. Ah, that's a big difference. All I got now is some curiosity over the fact that both a "cup of tea" and a "piece of cake" came to mean "easy." To me, that's a nice little snack.

Ok, that is it for me. I'll be back next Friday with more stuff, but you can always reach me at ptklein@gmail.com in the meantime. Until then, here are some happy occasions to note: Little Emma P. turns 1.5 today, so happy half-birthday to her (it's her third half-birthday ever, so it's still pretty new). My Mom, who has been UOPTA's Commenter of the Year every year since this thing began has her full birthday tomorrow, so please join me in wishing her a happy one. Sunday is our friend Scott M.'s birthday and the half-birthday of our friend Kareem (no last initial needed). Also, my friend and former colleague Leslie's birthday is Tuesday, so this is a pretty festive time of year (despite the lack of real holidays anywhere near here). Take care, everyone, and have a happy and healthy weekend and week. Shaloha.