I wish a good morning to all of my readers, ranging from homebabies to the homelderly. We're here again at UOPTA. No, that doesn't stand for Ungainly, Obese Penguins Taking Aerobics, but that would be pretty amusing to watch, don't ya think? Instead, this UOPTA is where I deposit some thoughts and stories and wait for your eyeballs to pick them up later. Sound good? (Hey, I can't keep coming up with these UOPTAs by myself; think of one, send it to ptklein@gmail.com, and see your name as I thank you in this top paragraph. Isn't that what you've always dreamed of?)
Today's post, my friends, is a long-ass-long time coming. When I started this blog a scant 349 posts ago, I made a long list of things I would someday cover in this space. One topic came to mind, but I didn't write it down on the list. Why not? Because I didn't think I'd be able to write about it without getting myself into some sort of trouble. Last weekend at Dusty's bachelor party, he asked me if I'd written about that topic yet. After explaining my rationale, he convinced me that by omitting certain identifying names of people and businesses, I'd be covering myself just fine. (And hopefully there's a short statute of limitations on these things.) Allow me to explain:
Years ago (hence the statute of limitations comment), I held a shitty job for a little while. It was incredibly boring work for very little pay, and it came with a fairly long drive from my abode, and two occasions in which I heard anti-Semitic comments (including one to my face). On the plus side, I knew it was only temporary, a few of the people were nice (including my boss), and I had the good sense to illegally photocopy some material that passed through my hands. You're intrigued now, right? Well, I'm not talking about private stock information, trade secrets, or anything that one might use to his advantage in one way or another. Instead, I'm talking about complaint emails.
Without going into much detail, the company for which I worked has many branches throughout the U.S. As the headquarters of the company, every complaint email was directed to our building. Someone else got the emails, replied with a form letter, copied a regional manager to follow-up, and then printed each one out and put the stack on my desk. My fabulously interesting job was to type each emailer's name, email address, city, date, and category of email into a spreadsheet before filing it away. Pretty useless, right? Well, it would be if some of the emails weren't so amazingly entertaining that I'd sneak to the copy machine, duplicate them, and then slyly fold one copy up and slip it into my pocket. I couldn't keep these from my friends; I just couldn't.
The ones that I kept all fall into three overlapping categories: angry, strange, and my favorite, the horribly written. The degrees vary in each, but I'll try to classify the emails. Ready to see how I entertained myself for several months? I will replace certain information with general terms, but I will leave all spelling and grammatical choices as they were originally written.
This one taught me a new term, and I have happily used it ever since:
"im glad to know you fucktards can say 'abuse' and fuck me over on (product). i guess you can take the (product) and shove it up your ass...iv already told all my family and friends to go to (competitor), they are WAY better. id like a response, because ive got a big ass problem with you girls."
I think the order of that one's components is Angry, Horribly Written, and then Strange. He gets a tip of my imaginary cap for introducing me to "fucktards."
This one came from an employee of one of the branches and refers to the District Manager:
"Our DM came into our store and gave us a rubber chicken and said we were all looser. I would like someone to reply to this, I think it is unprofessional and out of line."
Strange is definitely first here, but I think that it's a tie between Angry and Horribly Written. There's no way around the rubber chicken thing being strange. The lone typo adds a lot though, for being "looser" in that scenario makes even less sense than "a loser." I agree that whatever happened there sounds unprofessional on the surface.
Here's a fairly rare compliment from a customer:
"i recently e-mail you guy's on the 28th of February in the PM. with the run in that i had encounter would sensually like to let you know that with in hours of my e-mail i had received a phone call. he was sincerely consider about the ordeal that had happen to me he said he would get to the bottom of this. he was xstemly fast on taking care my problem he offer to send me a giftcertificet i told him i was not out get something for this."
Horribly Written wins this one hands down, then Strange. No Angry here. This guy confuses me. He knows "encounter," "sincerely," and "ordeal," but not how to put anything in the past tense or form a pesky sentence. And then there's the baffling use of "sensually," and to a lesser degree, "xstemly."
Here's a long one that I'm going to abridge so you just get the highlights:
"So I call that (company) back and see when they close they said 9. I started walking to them three miles away and I was in a really bad fall in 2001, I can not run and I am in pain always...the next day I try to catch a bus, I tried to lok to rent a bike or something, I finally after 4 hours off waitingfind a bus that will take me near the (company) and this guy gets on the bus and sits right beside me 24 other seats on the bus, but he sits near me. He tells me that I am pretty I said thanks and asked me if I was married, I said Yes sir. So I pull the button to get off the bus 1 mile away."
Horribly Written takes this one, closely followed by Strange, with Angry finishing third. Oh sure, this guy can't write very well and he's always in pain, but he sounds like a fine-looking man.
I'm just gonna let this one speak for itself:
"i bowl witha person named (Name) he claims to have workedwith your company out of (City) and fro mwhat he is telling ppl he saids he is tryingt o milk your company dry he saids he was in accident with one of yoru trucks and hirt his bak which if he did how can he be bowling with a bad back andanother thing he going telling ppl is that his daughter was in car with him but he saids it isnt so i was there when he told a bunch of ppl while bowling last week i dont want him to know i eimailed u casue he looks and acts like he is nuts"
Another easy victory for Horribly Written. I say Strange gets the two spot, and the underlying anger issues aren't enough to pull Angry out of third. Way to give bowlers a bad name, lady.
Just three more for now. I like this one:
"if check get hold for 8 days then tell, no say, yes get money back in 3 hrs. i was good customer, and (Name) good manager, but company policy and comunication thereof not good. will shop at (competitor) till get un-mad."
Horribly Written is on a tear, closely followed by Angry, with Strange trailing by a few lengths. I don't know what I like the most about this one. Is it the attempt to differentiate "tell" from "say," or the use "thereof"? Nah, it's gotta be "till get un-mad." Who am I kidding?
In this one, the caps lock button was clearly working fine, but there's no evidence of a comma or period button:
"HELLO I NEED TO BE CONTACTED IN A PROBLEM OF REIMBURSING MONEY LOSTAND THANKSGIVING LOST DO TO A (PRODUCT) YOUR STORE HAS SOLD ME I AM LOST WHY WOULD YOU FIRE A PERSON IN TRYING TO HELP ME IF I CLAIM THE MONEY AND FAMILY HOLIDAY LOST TO A PIESE OF YOUR PRODUCT THAT FAILED IT HAS COST ME A LOT OF MONEY AND PRICELESS FAMILY HOLIDAY NOT SURE WHAT YOU CAN GIVE ME ON THAT PLEASE EMAIL ME BACK."
Ooh, tough call. I'm going with Angry narrowly edging out Horribly Written, with Strange in third. I'm a little lostand Thanksgiving lost on this one.
And lastly, this one gives me infinite joy, so it's going in its own block quote. That's all I'll say as an intro:
I don't even know how to write about this one. Is the complete lack of ability to correctly use quotation marks enough to pull Horribly Written ahead of Angry? Probably not. Is it profanity or not? It's in quotes, so I can't tell. And "his" cell phone? Does she believe that it doesn't really belong to him? I love that "his rude and offensive" is in quotes, but not the noun being modified. Ah, good times, good times.
I'm stopping here with those. I have a few more, but they'd be harder to make general enough that I'd feel comfortable including them. I know one thing for sure: these emails were the highlight of my time there. Without them, I would've felt like looser.
And with that, let's "make our way" on over to "the" Car "Watch."
My Bratty Kid Sister sent me a plate that read, "RAR BEAR." Is that supposed to be "rare bear?" If it's a bear that drives, than that is indeed rare. If it's "rar bear," just as it's written, is that like "WUFF DOG?" I'm confused.
Next up, I saw a van for a pest control company while I was driving . The business name was Ecola. My first thought was that it sounds like a combination between e coli and Ebola. Oh great; yes, please come into my house.
Last but not least, my homey Rockabye was behind a car with this license plate: "ISUEYOU." Way to play directly into the stereotypes of your profession, buddy. I'd really have to fight the urge to give that guy the finger; he's just begging for it.
That, my friends, is all he wrote. Well not really, but it will be in another couple of sentences. First though, let's see what happiness is happening between now and next Friday when I write again. Hmmm, I don't see much besides International Left-Handers' Day next Thursday. Good, that deserves its own shout-out. Fellow lefties, let's do it up, yo. Have a great weekend and week, mis amiguitos, and be happy and healthy in all that you do. Shaloha.
Today's post, my friends, is a long-ass-long time coming. When I started this blog a scant 349 posts ago, I made a long list of things I would someday cover in this space. One topic came to mind, but I didn't write it down on the list. Why not? Because I didn't think I'd be able to write about it without getting myself into some sort of trouble. Last weekend at Dusty's bachelor party, he asked me if I'd written about that topic yet. After explaining my rationale, he convinced me that by omitting certain identifying names of people and businesses, I'd be covering myself just fine. (And hopefully there's a short statute of limitations on these things.) Allow me to explain:
Years ago (hence the statute of limitations comment), I held a shitty job for a little while. It was incredibly boring work for very little pay, and it came with a fairly long drive from my abode, and two occasions in which I heard anti-Semitic comments (including one to my face). On the plus side, I knew it was only temporary, a few of the people were nice (including my boss), and I had the good sense to illegally photocopy some material that passed through my hands. You're intrigued now, right? Well, I'm not talking about private stock information, trade secrets, or anything that one might use to his advantage in one way or another. Instead, I'm talking about complaint emails.
Without going into much detail, the company for which I worked has many branches throughout the U.S. As the headquarters of the company, every complaint email was directed to our building. Someone else got the emails, replied with a form letter, copied a regional manager to follow-up, and then printed each one out and put the stack on my desk. My fabulously interesting job was to type each emailer's name, email address, city, date, and category of email into a spreadsheet before filing it away. Pretty useless, right? Well, it would be if some of the emails weren't so amazingly entertaining that I'd sneak to the copy machine, duplicate them, and then slyly fold one copy up and slip it into my pocket. I couldn't keep these from my friends; I just couldn't.
The ones that I kept all fall into three overlapping categories: angry, strange, and my favorite, the horribly written. The degrees vary in each, but I'll try to classify the emails. Ready to see how I entertained myself for several months? I will replace certain information with general terms, but I will leave all spelling and grammatical choices as they were originally written.
This one taught me a new term, and I have happily used it ever since:
"im glad to know you fucktards can say 'abuse' and fuck me over on (product). i guess you can take the (product) and shove it up your ass...iv already told all my family and friends to go to (competitor), they are WAY better. id like a response, because ive got a big ass problem with you girls."
I think the order of that one's components is Angry, Horribly Written, and then Strange. He gets a tip of my imaginary cap for introducing me to "fucktards."
This one came from an employee of one of the branches and refers to the District Manager:
"Our DM came into our store and gave us a rubber chicken and said we were all looser. I would like someone to reply to this, I think it is unprofessional and out of line."
Strange is definitely first here, but I think that it's a tie between Angry and Horribly Written. There's no way around the rubber chicken thing being strange. The lone typo adds a lot though, for being "looser" in that scenario makes even less sense than "a loser." I agree that whatever happened there sounds unprofessional on the surface.
Here's a fairly rare compliment from a customer:
"i recently e-mail you guy's on the 28th of February in the PM. with the run in that i had encounter would sensually like to let you know that with in hours of my e-mail i had received a phone call. he was sincerely consider about the ordeal that had happen to me he said he would get to the bottom of this. he was xstemly fast on taking care my problem he offer to send me a giftcertificet i told him i was not out get something for this."
Horribly Written wins this one hands down, then Strange. No Angry here. This guy confuses me. He knows "encounter," "sincerely," and "ordeal," but not how to put anything in the past tense or form a pesky sentence. And then there's the baffling use of "sensually," and to a lesser degree, "xstemly."
Here's a long one that I'm going to abridge so you just get the highlights:
"So I call that (company) back and see when they close they said 9. I started walking to them three miles away and I was in a really bad fall in 2001, I can not run and I am in pain always...the next day I try to catch a bus, I tried to lok to rent a bike or something, I finally after 4 hours off waitingfind a bus that will take me near the (company) and this guy gets on the bus and sits right beside me 24 other seats on the bus, but he sits near me. He tells me that I am pretty I said thanks and asked me if I was married, I said Yes sir. So I pull the button to get off the bus 1 mile away."
Horribly Written takes this one, closely followed by Strange, with Angry finishing third. Oh sure, this guy can't write very well and he's always in pain, but he sounds like a fine-looking man.
I'm just gonna let this one speak for itself:
"i bowl witha person named (Name) he claims to have workedwith your company out of (City) and fro mwhat he is telling ppl he saids he is tryingt o milk your company dry he saids he was in accident with one of yoru trucks and hirt his bak which if he did how can he be bowling with a bad back andanother thing he going telling ppl is that his daughter was in car with him but he saids it isnt so i was there when he told a bunch of ppl while bowling last week i dont want him to know i eimailed u casue he looks and acts like he is nuts"
Another easy victory for Horribly Written. I say Strange gets the two spot, and the underlying anger issues aren't enough to pull Angry out of third. Way to give bowlers a bad name, lady.
Just three more for now. I like this one:
"if check get hold for 8 days then tell, no say, yes get money back in 3 hrs. i was good customer, and (Name) good manager, but company policy and comunication thereof not good. will shop at (competitor) till get un-mad."
Horribly Written is on a tear, closely followed by Angry, with Strange trailing by a few lengths. I don't know what I like the most about this one. Is it the attempt to differentiate "tell" from "say," or the use "thereof"? Nah, it's gotta be "till get un-mad." Who am I kidding?
In this one, the caps lock button was clearly working fine, but there's no evidence of a comma or period button:
"HELLO I NEED TO BE CONTACTED IN A PROBLEM OF REIMBURSING MONEY LOSTAND THANKSGIVING LOST DO TO A (PRODUCT) YOUR STORE HAS SOLD ME I AM LOST WHY WOULD YOU FIRE A PERSON IN TRYING TO HELP ME IF I CLAIM THE MONEY AND FAMILY HOLIDAY LOST TO A PIESE OF YOUR PRODUCT THAT FAILED IT HAS COST ME A LOT OF MONEY AND PRICELESS FAMILY HOLIDAY NOT SURE WHAT YOU CAN GIVE ME ON THAT PLEASE EMAIL ME BACK."
Ooh, tough call. I'm going with Angry narrowly edging out Horribly Written, with Strange in third. I'm a little lostand Thanksgiving lost on this one.
And lastly, this one gives me infinite joy, so it's going in its own block quote. That's all I'll say as an intro:
I am very displeased to comment on my visit today to this location that your employee was verbally and disrespectul, using "profanity" while talking on "his" cell phone. The worst part was when I commented did he work there to three co-workers who replied yes, not one of them said anyhing to the offensive employee ro discontinue "his rude and offensive" conversation. I certainly have no desire to return to that location, if this type of behavior is "professional."
I don't even know how to write about this one. Is the complete lack of ability to correctly use quotation marks enough to pull Horribly Written ahead of Angry? Probably not. Is it profanity or not? It's in quotes, so I can't tell. And "his" cell phone? Does she believe that it doesn't really belong to him? I love that "his rude and offensive" is in quotes, but not the noun being modified. Ah, good times, good times.
I'm stopping here with those. I have a few more, but they'd be harder to make general enough that I'd feel comfortable including them. I know one thing for sure: these emails were the highlight of my time there. Without them, I would've felt like looser.
And with that, let's "make our way" on over to "the" Car "Watch."
My Bratty Kid Sister sent me a plate that read, "RAR BEAR." Is that supposed to be "rare bear?" If it's a bear that drives, than that is indeed rare. If it's "rar bear," just as it's written, is that like "WUFF DOG?" I'm confused.
Next up, I saw a van for a pest control company while I was driving . The business name was Ecola. My first thought was that it sounds like a combination between e coli and Ebola. Oh great; yes, please come into my house.
Last but not least, my homey Rockabye was behind a car with this license plate: "ISUEYOU." Way to play directly into the stereotypes of your profession, buddy. I'd really have to fight the urge to give that guy the finger; he's just begging for it.
That, my friends, is all he wrote. Well not really, but it will be in another couple of sentences. First though, let's see what happiness is happening between now and next Friday when I write again. Hmmm, I don't see much besides International Left-Handers' Day next Thursday. Good, that deserves its own shout-out. Fellow lefties, let's do it up, yo. Have a great weekend and week, mis amiguitos, and be happy and healthy in all that you do. Shaloha.
2 comments:
What a looser job that was. Sensually, you had to deal with a bunch of illiterates and try to make tham unmad. Are they holding your position open for you in case this economic downturn continues?
I don't remember ever hearing the bowling story. Definitely my favorite. It kind of reminds me of Shawshank, when Tommy realizes Andy was innocent. We all know what happened to him for squealing.
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