Don't do the twist

Good day to you, kind sirs and madams, and welcome yet again to UOPTA. No, that doesn't stand for, "Ululating Octogenarians Preparing To Assimilate," but that would be a nice change of pace to some (hopefully) more age-appropriate behavior. (Thanks to Beth - a non-relative! - for supplying this week's UOPTA. You can too: ptklein@gmail.com.) Instead, this UOPTA is where I write down things that have crossed my mind enough times to make their escape through my fingers. In fact, this is the 350th post here at this UOPTA. That's a nice round number, don't ya think? I have two immediate (and very different) associations with the number 350. The first is that it's a good batting average in baseball. It's true, but I don't know why I jump to that right off the bat (get it, bat?). The second is a hilarious South Park episode from years ago. All you need to know is that Chef's old father says, "I ain't givin' you no tree fiddy you goddamn Loch Ness Monster!" Frickin' geniuses, those guys.

Friends, I'd like to spend some time today talking about twist endings. Without them, the loaf of bread gets stale much more quickly. (Thank you, thank you.) No, of course I mean the kind of twists that one finds at the end of films or t.v. shows that are intended to change everything you knew up to that point. This came to mind because of a trailer I saw recently for "A Perfect Getaway." It ended with the voiceover guy saying something to the effect of, "Long after the movie is over, the twist that will keep you talking for days." See, I hate that shit. Allow me to explain.

When I went to the movies to see "The Sixth Sense" years ago, here's what I knew about the movie: "A freaky-looking kid says that he can see dead people. Bruce Willis stars." When the movie was over, my mind was sufficiently blown by the twist I truly never saw coming. At the time, I thought, "Oh man, I sure hope people don't go around talking about the 'shocking twist ending' before others have seen it." To be clear, I didn't just want the ending to remain secret; I wanted the fact that there was a twist to remain secret. Here's why: people view movies through twist-seeking glasses when they know something is going to happen. I have two different examples that I hope will combine to prove my point.

Example 1: "The Letdown." In 1998, a then-unknown-to-me actor named Clive Owen was the lead in a movie called "Croupier." My aunt and uncle saw the movie and raved about it to my parents, saying that it had twists and turns throughout and a big one at the end. So my family went to see it, because we like that kind of thing. I sat there, watching every minute detail. When a character put something down on a table, I quickly scanned the photos nearby to see if there were any clues as to what would happen next. At the end of the movie, yeah, there was a little twist, but nothing compared to what I was expecting. A character was more deeply (and might I add, unbelievably) involved than we had known, but it was weak and disappointing. I had spent the whole time over-thinking (uh oh) what was going on and if I could predict the shocking twist before it was revealed. Instead, it was a rather ho-hum reveal that left us all shaking our heads and wondering why it had been billed as such by our relatives. In this case, knowing that there was a twist ruined the movie because it didn't come close to living up to the expectations I'd built.

Example 2: "The I-Called-It!" Much like with "The Sixth Sense," when I walked into "The Usual Suspects," I had no idea that my mind was about to be blown. When that happened, the movie instantly became one of my favorites (because I was already enjoying the dialogue and story up to that point). Again, I hoped that word wouldn't get out about the existence of a twist, but it did. That meant that everyone who watched it from that point on was waiting for it, and like me with "Croupier," trying to get there first. What's the harm in this? Those people start thinking about possibilities that they never would've considered. "Oh, maybe that person is really bad," they'll think with no evidence pointing that way yet. Unless they can somehow turn that part of their brains off, then they're forced to consider every possible twisty outcome before it happens. If a character seems sheepish, why not lean over to a friend and say, "I bet he's the killer." You'd never go there without the knowledge of said twist, but since something's bound to happen, why not get on the record early with the least likely scenarios? Then you can tell all your friends that you saw it coming when none of them did. Good for you.

So when people walk into "A Perfect Getaway," I have a feeling that one or both of those examples will come into effect. They've promised to blow our minds with their shocking twist, but I suspect it won't end that way. If I'm getting the gist of the plot correctly from the trailer, then one of six people is "the killer." Unless I'm way off (which is possible since I'm basing this all on very little), I expect people to walk out thinking, "Well, it had to be one of them so I wasn't really surprised," or, "I totally guessed it was him/her!" I guess my longwinded point to all of this can be summed up as so: I don't think it's a good idea to base an entire marketing strategy around the fact that there's a "big twist." If you're expecting something big to happen the whole time, it's not a twist. We just call that "story." I firmly believe that a well-crafted story with an unexpected plot twist will create a greater buzz from word-of-mouth referrals than simply screaming "There's a twist!" in the trailers. But I guess that doesn't get people in the door in the first place, and that's probably why I'm not a studio marketing guy.

For my money, the best twists I've ever seen were in "The Twilight Zone." If you watched that series (even decades after they originally aired like I did), you can probably come up with three shows off the top of your head that are better than anything you've seen on the big screen this decade. (My immediate three are "To Serve Man," the one with the pig faces, and the one in the diner where they're trying to figure out who the alien is.) If that series was brand new and airing now, I can't imagine what the internet chatter would be like the morning after each episode. Crazy shit, I tell ya. They had great stories and occasionally ended with a mind-melting twist. That's how it's done right, my friends. Since then, I'd argue that "Amazing Stories," "Alfred Hitchcock Presents," and "Lost" have come closest to capturing that art. Others like "Heroes" and "24" have come up short, with the former suddenly making everyone related and the latter making everyone spontaneously evil. That's not gonna cut it.

And with that, let's make a completely unexpected turn to the Car Watch.

My friend Greg wrote me this email a little while ago (with a preface saying that he wasn't sure if it was Car Watch material or not): "There is an Audi TT that generally parks near my car at work. Conservatively, I see it 3 days out of the week. The plate reads 'TT4DEB.' Not clever or interesting at all. What I find interesting, is that I can't look at it without saying "TT For Deb" under my breath in a robotic voice several times. Oh, and the robot has a South American, 'Tattoo-esque' accent. WTF?" I completely understand, my friend. In fact, I have found myself saying "TT For Deb" in what I have to imagine is a similar voice after spying a TT that didn't even belong to Deb. It's catchy. When it works, I occasionally like the use of "4" in plates. The ones I usually approve of have some element of continuity. For example, if I saw a Saturn ION that said, "ION4IAN," I'd totally dig that. I haven't though. I must admit, part of me wants to get a PT Cruiser just so I could have "PTC4PTK" as my plate. Too bad I think they're hideous.

My homey Rockabye sent me a plate and asked what my first thought was. It read, "SLTPNTS." My thoughts came rapid-fire: "Slit pants," "Slot pants," "Salty pants," and then finally, "Salty peanuts." He had a similar progression of thoughts. So I guess this plate is successful in the sense that we both eventually picked up what the driver was putting down, but I wonder how many people out there think that the driver has salty pants. I guess they'd stay fresh longer, right?

Lastly, I saw this plate with my own two eyes: "EZTO PLZ." Is that really what you want to be putting out there? Let's take the potential sexual meanings and leave them off to the side for now. If we solely look at it in terms of life experiences, the driver really can't afford to be stubborn or difficult about anything without being a hypocrite. "I feel like Chinese tonight," his/her partner might say." "Eh, I had that for lunch." "Easy to please, my ass!" At least that's how I would respond.

Ok, that's it for me. I hope you enjoyed this week's post and that you'll meet me here again next Friday for more of...this kind of stuff. In the meantime, happy half-Valentine's Day today, and happy half-birthday on Wednesday to Stacy, my Bratty Kid Sister. If you'd like to email me with any Car Watch items, random thoughts, funny stories, or even insults, ptklein@gmail.com is a surefire way to know that I'll read it. Be happy and healthy, my homepeople, and I'll see you next week. By the way, I'm really an alien who has been dead for 150 years but was the mastermind behind the whole government conspiracy. "POW!" (That was your head exploding from that killer revelation.)