The unbearable lightness of peeing

Howdy folks, it's your friendly neighborhood Peter here welcoming you to another day at UOPTA. No, that doesn't stand for, "Undulating Orifices Preparing To Amuse," and frankly, I'm appalled that you would even consider that to be a possibility. Great, now I feel icky. (Oh yeah, thanks for sending that UOPTA in, Mom. You never cease to amaze me. Friends, if you want to send your own UOPTA in and cleanse your mental palette, ptklein@gmail.com is where to send it.) Instead, this UOPTA is where I write some thoughts and stories. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the random shyte I have for you today.

Recently, something changed in the bathroom at my work. I walked up to the middle of the three urinals and noticed a new deodorizing thing hanging below the top lip area. It's a brick of some green substance in a white boxy structure, positioned high up so that no one would pee on it (unless trying to do so). On the box, in small letters, it says "PeePod." "That's cute, if that's what they're going for," I thought to myself. Later that day, I went to the bathroom again (I know, I'm such a glutton). This time however, I used the urinal to the far left because the middle one was occupied. Sure enough, what looked to be an identical deodorizing thing was there. I looked in more detail and saw that in place of "PeePod," it read, "Deotec." This made me wonder about why the text was different on products that clearly had come from the same company. To me there are only three possible answers:

1. They came out with this product branded as "Deotec" first. Then, one day, a brave soul in the boardroom saw a better opportunity to attract eyeballs: The pun! "No one will remember their pee smelling better from a Deotec...but with a PeePod, my friends, we're all walking away fresher than ever, like Mother Nature's own hand removed the stench of urine. Yes we can!" Others agreed, and before too long, they came out with a new and catchier name on their product.

2. The opposite: They created the "PeePod" line first. And then, something that had been bubbling inside one of the higher-up executives finally exploded. "This isn't us!" he yelled. "We're not cutesy, we're not punny. We're supposed to be a respected pillar of the urinal odor neutralizing community, and we cheapen ourselves by going at it this way. Let's do it like we always have - like my father would have - and stand behind Deotec. Our name signifies quality and a job done right...for things that take away pee stink."

3. The company was concurrently running two product lines at different price points. This happens often, and we consumers probably fall for it all the time. Here's how this one could've happened: In the world of janitorial supplies and product enhancements, let's say there are two big catalogs of product. (Yes, I'm making 100% of this up, but I might be onto something.) The first one caters to the everyman, and it's where owners of diners, gas stations, and other similar establishments go to get new urinal cakes, protective toilet seat covers, etc. There, they advertise "The PeePod" with some catchy slogan and sell them for...let's say $9.99 each when you order 12. The other catalog caters to resorts, fancy hotels, expensive restaurants, and high-end businesses. There you'll find monogrammed toilet paper roll covers, electronic soap dispensers, and "The Deotec 5000 XTR" that promises to use the latest technology to neutralize odor before it begins. That product costs...$19.99 each in packs of 12, and comes with a handy installation guide. In reality, the products are exactly the same, and the "installation guide" is a completely unnecessary half-page diagram that comes in both packages. So my building (oh yeah, that's where I was going with this) was looking through the fancier catalog and thought, "Yeah, we could totally use those" and ordered a dozen to check them out. The next day, that person hit him/herself in the head and thought, "I should've checked to see if the cheaper catalog had these too before buying them," and proceeded to buy the rest from there. When the time came to put them in the urinals, the janitorial staff just had a big pile of them and grabbed whatever was on the top, thereby enabling me to have a "Deotec" one next to a "PeePod."

Whew! Nothing further, your honor.

Last week, I wrote about the pager/beeper and how its place is almost nonexistent in today's world due to advanced technology. Somehow, I know not how, that discussion made me think of a movie: "EDtv." Remember that movie? The premise seemed a little outlandish at the time, but my my, how things have changed. In the movie, a network want to - get this - FILM SOMEONE'S LIFE 24 HOURS A DAY! Can you believe it? Oh wait, yes you can, since this is currently being done to probably hundreds of people on dozens of crappy television shows. This came out in 1999, but before we start calling it prescient or anything, please note that "The Real World" started its 8th season that year. In any case, I find it funny to think about that movie's concept ever seeming "new and exciting" since it's terribly run-of-the-mill by today's standards. On the plus side, it gave us the totally believable pair of Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson as brothers in the film. I like when I can believe that two people could be siblings, like Julia Roberts and Kyra Sedgwick in "Something to Talk About." Can you think of any other good or particularly bad sibling pairs on screen?

I've got some more random items before proceeding to the Car Watch. Here's a short one: I went to a little Mexican food place last week, and I was waiting for my order when another man walked up to register. "Um, does the a la carte taco come with anything?" he asked. I found that amusing, since the guy clearly wasn't familiar with the definition of "a la carte" and immediately emailed myself that line. I was half expecting his next line to be, "Does the pie a la mode come with ice cream?" or "Is there any rice or chicken in the 'arroz con pollo?'"

From the "Oh Please Make it Stop" category: QVC had their "Countdown to Christmas" special earlier this week. Yes, in frickin' AUGUST. I don't think the answer to "WWJD?" is, "Celebrate my birthday four months in advance." I'm just sayin'.

I heard a commercial on the radio, and something in it really stuck out to me. I don't remember the actual product or service the company offered (so clearly it was a great commercial), but it was called Renaissance Whatever. Let's say Mudflaps for the fun of it. At the end of the spot, the voiceover guy said, "Just go to Renaissance Mudflaps.com." And he didn't spell "Renaissance." Here's the thing: I'm a good speller. In fact, I was just telling my lovely wife earlier this week that I didn't miss a single word on a spelling test in all of fifth grade, which landed me a shitload of gold stars and a McDonald's lunch. My point is that I didn't know how to spell "Renaissance" off-hand. I took a stab at it, and it turns out that I was wrong. (I put the I after the second A instead of the first. I got the one N and two S part right, if that counts for anything.) So if the former gold star accumulator can't go to their website after hearing their radio commercial, they probably have an uphill battle in generating web traffic. I think their campaign needs a "rebirth," if you will.

And with that, let's make bilingual puns on over to the Car Watch.

First up, my homey Rockabye sent me this license plate: "BROKHRT." How sad is that? I understand that people can break up and be rightfully devastated over that...for a while. But to put that on your license plate is telling the entire viewing public, "I'm eternally sad, so don't even bother trying to change that." Even if that's not the reason for the owner having that plate, can you imagine walking out to that car after a first date with the owner? Yikes.

I can't remember who sent me this license plate, but based on the few clues I have, it was either another from my homey Rockabye or from Dusty (who is getting married in less than a month). It read, "GO FLOSS." Ah, you just gotta love demanding dentists whose reach extends far beyond their own offices. How dare the driver assume that everyone being him/her doesn't floss? I'm sure s/he has a better sense of those percentages than I do, but if it were my mom and her "perfect home dental hygiene" behind that car, she'd be wicked pissed.

Speaking of maternal figures, I saw this license plate recently: "IGR8MOM." Yep, that's an I and not the number 1. There should be an additional message on the plate frame or on a bumper sticker below that reads, "But I not so good at grammar."

Ok, that's it for me today. You all have a great weekend and week until we meet up again next Friday. Happy Birthday on Sunday to our friend Ceil (who I call "The Foca"), and...that's all I see on my trusty calendar in terms of Happy Announcements. Shaloha, and peace out.