Just (over)do it

Good (insert time of day most appropriate to your situation), friends! And how is everything in (insert your geographical location - be as specific as you like) today? Boy, I sure am glad to hear that. Welcome yet again to UOPTA. If it were called "UOPTA UOPTA," you might mistakenly think that it stood for, "Umpires Only Pretend To Arbitrate Until Ousting Players That Argue." Good thing I'm here to set you straight. Instead, this UOPTA is where I write down some thoughts and stories for your hopeful enjoyment. (Double thanks to my mom for sending in that double UOPTA. If you'd like to send your own in - which you know you do - just email it to ptklein@gmail.com.)

This past week, two of my best friends did a little song/rap number in front of a collection of small business owners to promote their own business. Upon watching it, my first thought was, "That takes a lot of balls." I've been in front of large groups many times in my life, but there are still things (like their very funny performance) that I just can't see myself doing. Sure, maybe after a couple of drinks and/or surrounded only by my closest friends, but that's it.

Along those same lines, I could never in a million years be a stand-up comedian. I really admire the guts/balls/chutzpah it takes to be alone on a stage in front of strangers, trying out material that will either get you laughs or vicious taunts. While I like to think I'm quick on my feet, I can't imagine I'd handle a heckler too well. I'd probably just apologize that he didn't think that last one was funny and promise to try harder next time. I think I'd successfully fight off the urge to curl into a ball though.

Many successful stand-up comedians have excelled because they are adept at pointing out ordinary things in our lives and illuminating the humor in their existence. Obviously, Seinfeld was the master of this, with "Did you ever notice..." essentially becoming his catch phrase. Dane Cook, before he got super over-exposed and unfunny, was actually amazing at this too. The one bit of his that jumps to my mind is his description of parking garages and how your tires screech like crazy even if you're only going 5 miles per hour. "What is that made of?" Good stuff.

After watching some stand up and realizing that common thread about 8 or 9 years ago, my friend Jon said to me, "There must be so many ordinary things like that in the world. We should think of some." So we sat for a while, coming up with roughly...nothing. About a week later though, I kind of had one. I had just gotten out of the shower, and in my towel I told Jon my thought: "I've shaved my face hundreds of times in my life, and I have never even once taken too little shaving cream. I always have probably twice the amount I need, even though I'm trying to keep from overdoing it." (I still have this problem by the way. I've had a beard for about 11 months now and only shave my neck, so I try to take just a small amount. I lather up, and I'm usually left with about half of my original amount still sitting in my hand.) Jon and I agreed that it wasn't a great observation, especially since it wasn't a universal experience. When a comedian talks about the different ways in which people respond after tripping on the sidewalk, it's universal. Mine was a little more narrow, and maybe not even true for everyone. I didn't take a poll or anything, so maybe I'm the only one who overdoes it in the shaving cream department.

Well, as it often happens with random conversations years in the past, I thought about this same topic a few days ago and I wanted to find more things that fit in my shaving cream category. (Think of this as mental exercise and not a report on where I'm most wasteful please.) With just a little extra thought, I actually came up with two more things that I can not help but overdo every single time. First up: salad dressing. I'm simply powerless over this one. I pour some on - knowing full well that I always put too much - then assess the situation. "Hmmm, it looks like it's really only resting on the top, and when I move it around, it's probably not enough for all of the lettuce." So like a moron, I put some more on. When I put my fork in for the first time and glimpse the bottom of the bowl, there's a pool of dressing smiling back at me. I don't know how to stop this.

Later in the same day that I thought of salad dressing fitting this bill, I came up with another one: boiling water. This one is ridiculous. Let's say I want to boil water for me and my lovely wife to each have one cup of tea. I will pour water into the teapot (which is indeed both short and stout), all the while trying to imagine that I'm just filling up our two mugs and nothing more. "Is that about right?" I wonder, but clearly more water is pouring in while I'm taking the time to wonder that. "That's probably good," I say, and I shut off the tap and start heating it up. Then, after I wait for it to boil, I take the pot over to the mugs and pour the steaming water into the waiting mugs. Lastly, I go to the sink and pour out excess water for about five to ten seconds. Think about how long that it. I must put twice the required amount in the teapot every single time, and that's with knowing that I have a tendency to do that.

Along the same lines, if I'm making instant oatmeal and using an already-hot water spout, it's gonna be some liquidy oatmeal. Just like with the salad dressing, I spend time questioning whether or not it's enough, opt to pour in some more, and then regret it a few seconds later. It's a lot of fun trying to pour extra liquid out of outmeal without making a mess or burning your hands; trust me on that.

I think those are the only three things that I consistently overdo in that manner. Making pasta is close. I always think it's too little (no matter how much I originally put in the pot), and so I add some more. It's hard to say if I overdo it or not though, because even though I end up with a big pile o' pasta, it all gets eaten eventually.

How about you guys? Do you have anything like this? Be it ketchup, hand lotion, or anything else, I'd love to hear from you. I'm not alone in this, right?

And with that, let's misoverestimate our way on down to the Car Watch.

I saw a license plate frame that, in my not-always-humble opinion, has good intentions but didn't really think the whole thing through. "I'm a fireman's flame," it told me. Again, I get what she's going for, but let's deconstruct that a bit, shall we? What does a flame represent to a fireman? I'd say danger, his job, and something that needs to be extinguished or it could destroy lives in addition to property. Does she really want to be those things to him? I hope not.

My friend Dusty sent me a picture of the side of a big truck. The company sells heated toilet seats, so it says, "Honk...if you like warm buns!" Cute, right? Wrong. The double entendre really only works if it's a phrase that we'd use in a sexual manner. Have you ever heard someone say, "Wow, she's got really warm buns" or "Check out the warm buns on that guy"? I highly doubt it. Hot buns, sure, but warm? But they couldn't say hot without it sounding like they might burn your ass when you sit on their products. So instead of finding something else that actually worked both ways, they pressed on. I bet they think they're warm shit.

Conversely, my homey Rockabye saw a construction truck that transfers dirt or big equipment from place to place. Their slogan was, "Hey, take a load of this." Better yet, the license plate read, "IDUMP4U." That, my friends, is how you have off-color connotations that tie in directly with your business. (Ok, maybe they didn't intend for the plate to have a double meaning, but do you honestly expect me to see "dump" and not giggle?)

That is it for me, homepeople. I'll be back next Friday with more things for your intended reading enjoyment. In the meantime, let's celebrate the things we'll be skipping over: Happy birthday tomorrow to my good friend Greg (The Pigh), and to my friend Jamie on Monday. Wednesday is not only Veterans' Day, but also the kick-ass holiday of Martinmas. And Thursday is my good friend Dusty's birthday, which starts the 7.5 month period in which he's a whole number older than me and just can't relate to each other. Have a great weekend and week, everyone. Shaloha.