That's all, friends

Good morning everyone, and thank you for joining me on my final post here. I think I'm going to start by giving you a little background into my decision, talk a bit about the future, and then see what happens from there. Is that all ok with you? Excellent.

My decision to end UOPTA is based on four key factors. One: I'm really running out of things to form entire posts around. I'd been saying that to friends and family for months, but it truly is the case. In fact, I've ended up writing about a few things that I never planned to because I'd wanted to save them for potential projects down the line. So that's the main thing. Two: It's been feeling a little more like a chore to post something each week. This is all my fault, I realize. Somewhere along the line, I felt like each post had to be between 1,500 and 2,000 words, with an intro, acronym, body, Car Watch, and closing. I'm still pleased with how almost all of it has worked out, but I don't want to get to a stage where I have my self-imposed deadline and nothing to say. You see, I didn't do this quite right. Instead of treating it like an actual blog, it was more of a weekly column over the past two years (and an every-weekday column for the year before that). I maintained it for waaaay longer than I ever expected, and I feel good about that. Three: As all of you who know me in person are already aware of, my limited free time is about to become non-existent. My homey Rockabye sent me a bumper sticker that sums this third reason up perfectly: "Got Sleep? No. Got Twins." Yes, my lovely wife and I will be welcoming not one but two tiny humans into the world. We're obviously very excited, and our worlds are going to be turned upside-down. If the blog's been tough for me to write recently, it'll be impossible on no sleep and an overwhelming desire to be with them instead of at my computer. Along those same lines, I don't want to write a blog about raising kids and the cute things they do. There are roughly a brazilian sites out there already doing that, and hearing stories about other people's kids is probably on par with hearing stories about other people's fantasy drafts or poker hands. They just don't pack the same punch. Four: Today marks three years and 365 posts here on this site. Those are good numbers, and ending it now feels like the right time. (I originally thought that 365 was a coincidence, but my lovely wife pointed out that it makes perfect sense. Five days a week for a year, and then once a week for two years should equal seven times a week over the course of a year. Therefore, I'm leaving you with a year's worth of posts if you feel like you need a steady morning ritual.)

I'm not quitting cold turkey though. (By a show of hands, how many of you are eating cold turkey today left over from yesterday's festivities?) I thought long and hard about what I could do to still have an outlet for the thoughts and stories in my mind. After discussing possible options with a few friends, I was thrilled that we found something that made sense as a next step. Here it is: Nothing To Read Here. (Ooh, irony.) That, my homepeople, is an actual blog. By that, I mean there will be posts of small, medium, and large length, and not on any regular timeframe. Better yet, it's not just me. I have three like-minded friends in on this with me, and the four of us will all post when we have things to share. We're a new team, and I already really like what we're putting out there. (Since there's no regular schedule, you can either just go to the site from time to time to see what's new or subscribe in a box on the right-hand side to get an email every time a new post is up. How convenient!) While I may be running out of actual stories from my past, I plan on having new thoughts for a long time, and that new site is where they'll show up. We'll all be using pseudonyms on the new blog site - I'm P-Dawg by the way - and I'm confident that you'll find my friends as funny and interesting as I do. So this really isn't a goodbye at all, but rather just an end to how we're used to interacting.

That said, I don't expect to continue with what have become regular features of my posts here. Therefore, I plan on using all that I'd stored up of those right here, right now. Buckle up, because this might take a while.

First, I've come across quite a few words and phrases that can not be spelled without "Peter." Usually, I'd write something and then pick a phrase out of that paragraph to highlight my name, but I'm switching it up this time. Instead, I'm going to try to write a little story with each of the items in it. And what the hell, I'll put them in bold so you don't have to go sorting through the letters while you read:

Decades ago, I see an important meeting in American history unfolding just like this...An inventor walks into a company called Superior Marketing. "Sirs and madams," he says as he taps his cigarette into an ashtray, "I have created the ultimate in adult party entertainment." He lays out the blueprints and begins his pitch. "No matter who you are, from the President to the Jones family in Cooperstown, New York, you want your visitors to be quite impressed when they come over for an evening of fun. Out of soda pop, peanut butter, and crackers? That's just a temporary setback. Late in the evening - the preferred time for this product - you bring out this baby. It's real pretty, isn't it? Have the ladies put on some patent leather pumps and you're ready for a wild and memorable evening. I have all of the intellectual property locked up, so the market's already cornered. What do you say?" The execs look around at each other for a moment before one speaks up. "I like it. I don't see it for homes though as much as possibly licensing it to chains all around the country. Probably some strong international prowess as well. Do you have a name for it yet?" The inventor smiles and says, "How could I forget? I call it...the Stripper Pole."

Ah, I can delete a whole bunch of notes to myself now. That actually feels good. Let's see if I can recreate that feeling by plowing through some unused Car Watch items, shall we?

A long while ago, I saw this plate: "UMM NO." On the license plate frame, it said, "Princess." Wow, I feel like I already have more than enough information to say that she's probably a bitch. Way to put that out there.

I also saw a license plate frame that read, "Volleyball Monthly. 'Set' for life." I don't know if the first part is a command for how often I should engage in the sport or the name of a publication. However, I approve of the pun in the second part enough to include it here. Nicely done, demanding coach/magazine.

This plate was interesting: "I (Heart) SNU P." That's very different than "I (Heart) CNU P," don't ya think? It's nice to know that one letter can turn a lover of a cartoon dog and make him a bathroom voyeur. By the way, I heard the instrumental song that I only know as "The song from Peanuts where they all dance and Snoopy puts his chin up in the air" recently and it made me happy. What a fun little tune. Maybe I should make that my ringtone instead of "Cop Killer" by Ice-T and Body Count. So hard to choose.

I have two very different readings of this plate: "NEON8TS." To me, it's either "neonates" or "neon 80s." (Seriously, if there was one decade known for having neon, it's the 80s.) If it's the first reading, then there's a superfluous T in there since "N8S" is already "nates." If it's the latter, "8T" is a pretty cool way to write "80" if that was taken. I've been holding onto this plate for about two years because I keep going back and forth as to which one the owner was trying to say. If it's somehow both of them, then that's the coolest thing I've heard all day.

I hate to go along with sweeping generalizations, but what are the odds that someone with the plate, "INFNT BS" is a lawyer? (That has to be "infinite" and not "infant," right? I don't think infants engage in bullshitting. I guess I'll find out though.)

If you have "1 DITZ" as your plate, there's no way you want people to take you seriously, right? I wonder if "IM DUMM" was already taken.

Just as the driver suspected, I was behind his or her car when I spied this plate: "UCMEB4U." True dat, my fellow Angelino, true dat.

About six months ago, I saw two cars next to each other with plates that made me laugh. The first might've made it on its own: "RNDM WMN." To me, that phrase is never used in a positive light. Wow, I'm so right. I just did a quick Google search for "random woman," and these all came up on the first page:
"Random woman kicks random man in street."
"Jude Law has gotten some random woman pregnant."
"Man douses random woman with urine."
"War with Iraq...and a random woman."
"Tila Tequila and random woman!"
"Another random woman wants MJ's kids."

Yes, that was all the first page of search results. Nice plate, by the way. The second one, side-by-side with the random woman, said, "FAJITAS." That's it, just "FAJITAS." I didn't get close enough to the car to hear if it was sizzling or not, but I highly doubt it smelled as good as I would've hoped.

And lastly from my backed-up stash, I have a little story. My lovely wife and I have lived in our house for a little over three years. Shortly after moving in, we were walking around our neighborhood when I saw a parked car with the plate, "RUFFN8R." My first thought was that it was some guy whose last name started with "Ruff" and his nickname (either for himself or given) is, "The Ruffinator." Well, we started seeing that car every time we took a walk, so I had more time to think about it. "I wonder if the owner is a rough version of Ralph Nader," I said once. The next time, I pretended to punch and kick an imaginary enemy as I said, "Grrr, we need renewable energy sources!" My lovely wife looked perplexed for a couple of seconds before realizing that that was my "rough Nader" impression. The next time: "ELECTRIC CARS NOW!" I yelled as I manhandled imaginary foes. After that, "I MAY HAVE LOST OREGON FOR GORE IN 2000!" And so on. I still see the car very often (and even rode next to it on the freeway once coming home from work), and it always makes me laugh.

Now, as you may have guessed, here are some plates in my inbox from my homey Rockabye.

First up, "IMVRYL8." Is that the built-in answer to the officer pulling that car over for speeding?

Next, he sent me a plate that read, "SNEEZ DR." Would that be an Ears, Nose, and Throat doctor? They do a hell of a lot more than treat sneezes, so it wouldn't be a very flattering self-descriptor. Or maybe a "SNEEZ DR" is one that works with a specific dwarf? Yeah, that's probably it.

"MM HMMM," another plate told him. I don't know what he asked it first, but I'm glad he got the affirmative response. That's still a weird thing to put on one's license plate, don't you think? Wouldn't you like to at least consider the question first? I guess not.

There's no way to tell if this one was accurate or not: "QT BOO T." We'll take your word for it, ma'am.

I like this one: "MRRR 007." When I read it, I hear the old announcer for the Chicago Bulls introducing Sean Connery to the arena. "And now, all the way from Scotland, put your hands together for Misterrrrrrr 007!" The crowd would naturally go wild.

This one really speaks volumes: "MELOOOW." I don't doubt for a second that the driver is truly a mellow person. I'd say it's the opposite of something like, "ANGRRRY." I'd believe that person too.

I rather enjoyed this email from him but had nothing really to add to it, so it just stayed in my inbox until now: "License plate frame: 'BLOOD TRIBE. BEE YEE YOUK TO WALKIE.' Not going to lie, I'm clueless." Amen, brother.

Here's an interesting bumper sticker: "Highland dancers do it-" Actually, I'm going to pause here. Let's think about all of the ways this one could end. Remember, the best "(blank) do it (blank)" stickers are the ones that actually make sense for the subject and have a good sexual double-meaning as well. This is best illustrated in my mind by, "Makeup artists do it on your face." So, how exactly could highland dancers do it? Some of them wear kilts, so maybe something with that? Or since they're dancers, any generic dancing thing like, "...with rhythm," "...in groups," etc. would work. So what did they go with? "Highland dancers do it for real." God I hate them.

And lastly, he asked for help on this one: "SPT LVR." I see the problem here. I really don't want to think it's "spit lover," but there aren't many other viable options. I don't know why someone would love spit, but would s/he be more likely to love a spot or a spat? I don't think so. I'm gonna assume that SPT are someone's initials, because I really don't feel like researching salivaphiles right now.

Hey, remember when I first wrote about what I call Auto-Followers? Well, I'm pretty sure I found a new one: Glom. Dictionary.com says it can be a stand-alone verb without "onto" following it, but I've certainly never heard that. Anyway, that's food for thought.

Well, those are things that were sitting in my email account that I doubt I'd be using in my next endeavor. I still have a bunch of smaller thoughts that will surely show up there in time. Before I head out and hopefully see you at the new blog, I'd like to thank everyone who has been a part of these past three years at UOPTA. From the people who randomly find my site after searching for bizarre things to the few regular readers I've never met: thank you. I don't know who you all are - "RNDM WMN" maybe? - but Statcounter tells me that since July of 2007 (when I created my free Statcounter account) I've had about 12,000 pageloads. That number astounds me since my Friday posts regularly attract between 20 and 30 unique visitors. In any case, I appreciate all of the eyeballs and hope you were entertained. Next, thank you to my friends and family who have been reading consistently throughout my time here. Even though I've been the one writing, I feel that sharing all of these thoughts and stories with you have brought us even closer. A big thank you to my homey Rockabye for always making sure I have a good supply of Car Watch items. I've included three items in every post over the past two years, and he's always had at least one of his represented. It was comforting to know that I'd have something to write about when I got to that part, so thanks again homey. Heartfelt thanks go out to my favorite brother and my adoring parents. Not only did they help supply me with ideas and read every post with gusto, but their comments entertained me and validated every reason I started this thing in the first place. Mom, you are hands down the Commenter Extraordinaire of UOPTA, and I truly appreciate the thought you put into your witty retorts. And lastly, I must thank my lovely wife her unconditional support, love, and patience. For example, we had both just awakened this past Wednesday morning and were still lying in bed. Out of nowhere I asked, "How do you think you spell the symbol above the 6 on a keyboard?" "That's a good question," she said. (Right there already tells you how wonderfully-matched we are.) "You mean is it a 'carrot' like the vegetable or a 'carat' like the jewelry measurement?" "Or even a third way," I added. "Huh, I don't know. What made you think of that?" (The answer, according to Merriam-Webster and Dictionary.com is "caret," by the way.) My lovely wife is bombarded with out-of-the-blue questions like this far too often, and yet she has always provided loving encouragement. As early as four or five months into writing this blog, I said that I didn't think I could keep going. She believed that I could, and knowing that she was on the other end of my keyboard smiling at my words was all I needed to push on. Thank you, my love.

And that, my friends and homepeople, is all I have for you today. I encourage you to check out Nothing To Read Here to see some of the posts we've already put there to welcome you. As always, please feel free to email me at ptklein@gmail.com (or pdawg@nothingtoreadhere.com) with anything that comes to mind. You probably have a good sense of what I find amusing, clever, irritating, and stupid, so I always welcome more fodder.

Thank you again, shaloha, and I wish you all health and happiness.