FUF #25

Hey everyone. I was out late last night, tossing back a frosty beverage or two, so I'm feeling a little irritable and bloated right now. You might say it's that time of the FUF. Booyah Johnson! I totally had you going for a whole twenty words or something! Ah, good times. Let's look back on this some day, smile awkwardly, and pretend it never happened. Welcome to another Follow Up Friday, gentle readers. Shall we jump right into it? If you answered either "Word" or "Let it happen, Cap'n," then you're definitely in the right place.

At some point in a post during this past week, I made mention of the metric system. If I'm remembering the story right, my mom was told back in elementary school that the whole country would be using the metric system by the year...1990. Yeah, not so much. As far as I can tell, the metric system is currently used in this country pretty much just for drugs and soft drink bottles. If I sold drugs for a living (not just as a hobby), my distinguishing characteristic from the other dealers would be my insistence on eschewing the metric system. Quarter pound of hash? Here you go. A foot-long line of coke? Knock yourself out. A pint of 'shrooms? Enjoy the weekend.

Probably in that same post, I wrote about back when I was double-majoring in English and Spanish. I just wanted to clarify that I eventually graduated with my major in English and minor in Spanish. I had it all planned out to complete both majors in four years, but the thought of suffering through a few more ass-kicking Spanish Lit classes was a far less pleasant one than filling those same units with poetry writing classes and electives. I cashed out early, and I think it was an incredibly wise decision. There, you must feel so much better now that you know that story.

I's gots a ginormous Car Watch for you today. But first, I don't think I'm really going to use "ginormous" much anymore since it officially became a word. Part of the draw of using it was that it was made up. I guess we'll have to come up with a new one and use that until The Man takes it from us. And yes, Merriam-Webster is The Man.

First off, I saw a plate that read "JEN (Heart) BLZ." I told my boss about it and I said, "To me, there's really no other possibility besides 'Jen loves balls.'" "And to you, that means 'testicles?'" he asked. I nodded. The conversation could've ended there, but instead it lasted all day. He made the point that even if she really loved testicles, she probably wouldn't put that on her license plate. I countered, saying that it could be an inside joke with her friends, like "Gina really likes legs, Mary's an ass woman, but Jen loves balls!" He wasn't buying it. "Maybe she really loves the plastic ball pit at McDonald's," he suggested. My coworker Rob thought maybe she was just really into sports. Later at a lunch meeting, my boss asked a guy we occasionally work with, who was understandably at a loss. That guy ended up writing us all an email later, saying that Jen smokes a lot of pot and loves "blazing." I wrote back saying, "I got it - she's an accountant. Jen loves bills. Or a stripper." After way-too-careful consideration, I think she may be a Chicago Bulls fan with poor spelling. Either that or testicles. Gentle readers, sink to my level and let me know what you think in the comments section please.

Just yesterday, I saw a plate that read "YB NNRML." I get "YB NRML," but what's the deal with the other N? (Did I sound like Seinfeld in your head there? I did to me.) Are they trying to ask, "Why be un-normal?" If so, that would mean that people should all be normal, right? I'm confused, and I think I have every right to be. I actually was on a bowling team called "Why Be Lamron" when I was a kid after all, and we were just as nerdy as you might expect.

As is customary, my homey Rocakabye sent in a bunch of Car Watch items, and I shall unleash of few of the top performers. First off, a bumper sticker report of, "Industrial Designers Do It Ergonomically." Yeah, that one's a bit forced, buddy. Even if s/he really means it, I don't want to think about what that would mean. I have a feeling cushiony pads would be involved though.

He also saw a plate that read, "NOPC4ME." He liked it because he thought it could either mean "No peace for me," "No piece for me," or "No political correctness for me." I gotta say that the third one was my first thought, but after mulling it over for a while, I'm pretty sure it's "No Palmer Courtland for me." He's not the most interesting "All My Children" character, so I can understand someone not wanting anything to do with him.

Another plate that Rockabye saw was "LUN E 2N." He didn't follow this person home, because who knows how far it was to his or her parents' place. (Please know that I purposely spared you the horribly forced pun about having an "animated" conversation with the person. Oh wait.)

The last worthy plate he sent me was on an Audi, and it read "INE AUDI." Bravo, Mr. or Mrs. Audi Owner, bravo. It's not every day that someone makes the commitment to represent an anatomical pun with the make of his or her car, and I applaud that rare occurrence. Hear me clapping? Well I am.

Last but certainly not least, it's my friend Leslie's birthday tomorrow, and I wish her a very happy one. She and I worked together for a couple of years, and she's the type of person who not only knew that 317537 upside down was her name on a calculator, but who also signed her emails to me with her nickname: 537. As you can tell, we got along splendidly.

And so with the spirit of shaloha, I wish you a wonderful weekend. Remember, don't do the whole pint of 'shrooms at once unless you're packed to take an awfully long trip. See you back here on Monday, friends (unless you show up in the ptklein@gmail.com inbox before then, of course).