Referencing books

And like that, it's already Tuesday. Amazing how that keeps happening. Shaloha, gentle readers. I hope this morning finds you well. Yesterday, I wrote about some books from my childhood, and I think I might have something here. You see, I did some reading as a kid, and I have a feeling that many of you out there either read the same things or have kids who read them. If I'm wrong, then very little of the following may make sense. My bad.

First of all, I won't get into it because I don't remember anything about the book, but "The Celery Stalks at Midnight" is such a fantastic title that I'm pissed off that I was too young to get the pun. Man that's good.

Ok, now this series I can actually write about: "Encyclopedia Brown." Those books by Donald J. Sobol were da bomb, even if no one said "da bomb" until a decade after I read them. Hell, I didn't even use that phrase until five seconds ago. If memory serves, here's the plot of every single story: There's a nerdy kid who does some freelance detective work with his hottie friend Sally. They gather evidence by interviewing people and trying to get them to slip up somehow. Then E.B. says something like, "I know who really stole the watch." The reader then flips to the back to hear the whole rationale of how he put everything together. Usually, it was something as simple as having one character say, "I would never steal a watch, especially one that has a one-centimeter long scratch on the face and could fit easily in this pocket that I keep fiddling with." Invariably, the one who did the crime was E.B.'s archenemy, Bugs Meaney. Gee, he sounds like a nice enough guy.

The formula was pretty set. Just like in other detective books or t.v. shows, as soon as there was a seemingly unnecessary detail, that usually spelled out who did what. I can only remember two of the stories off-hand. In one, Bugs was trying to sell some coin from 6 B.C. to someone for some ungodly amount of money. Encyclopedia was called in as a consultant, and he determined that it was a fake. How did he know? Well I knew too, and I was proud to call bullshit on Bugs well before the end of the story. Even as a kid, I knew that a coin from 6 B.C. wouldn't have "6 B.C." engraved in it. I totally nailed that one. Go ahead, scoff at my detective work, but it's not like FDR was embossed on it. That case took some abstract thought, and I frickin' nailed it. F you, Bugs Meaney.

The second story I remember really angered me. I read it over and over again before going to the back, and I couldn't figure out how Encyclopedia knew who had stolen the missing...ring, I think. I was going to say 'coin,' but that would be too coincidental for both stories I remember to have involved a coin. In any case, I couldn't find the clue anywhere in it. What was he seeing that I wasn't? I even got my mom involved on the case, expecting her to quickly see what I missed. I knew Bugs obviously did it, but being a firm believer in our legal system, I needed the evidence. My mom was at a loss too, and this freaked me out. She always knew who did the crime and when they gave unknowingly themselves up. (I guess that's the benefit of being three-times the suggested reading age.)

Ready to be enlightened, we turned to the back. Instead, I was just pissed off. Encyclopedia was interviewing Bugs (and presumably his cronies) about the item, and Bugs was eating a hot dog. In the back pages, it told us that E.B. stayed there as they ate, and when Bugs wouldn't eat the last bite, E.B. knew that the stolen item was stuffed in there to be hidden from the detective's sight. Bullshit! As I remember it, there wasn't a single reference to Bugs looking strangely at his food or anything else like that. I knew he was eating a hot dog, but that's not enough for me to proclaim him guilty. I was really upset by that one. Of course, this is my memory of it from 20 years ago, and I never went back to re-read it. For all I know, Bugs could've said, "I would never steal it and hide it in my hot dog!" If that's the case, all of this anger is for naught. I'd go look it up, but there are too many of the books for me to try to find the one in which someone (probably Bugs) stole something (a coin or a ring). I bet hot dogs didn't factor into too many of them though. Hmmm.

Here's the thing about these books. It gave hope that nerds might be able to use their powers for good. He got to hang out with Sally, who always sounded hot to me. They called her "the toughest girl in school," and Bugs was afraid of her. You think that was code for "lesbian"? I think it might have been. In any case, all Bugs had to do was sock Encyclopedia in the face and say, "Stop asking me questions, you little shit." Case closed, right? "Yeah, I stole it, but if you tattle on me, I'm gonna break your fucking arm" might've done the trick too.

Ah, the magic of reading. I wonder what all of the characters would be doing now as adults. Encyclopedia probably hit it big in the .com boom with online private investigator stuff. I just hope it got out in time so he's not somewhere on the street yelling, "I used to solve crimes!" to passers-by. Bugs is probably doing 5-10 somewhere for grand larceny and aggravated assault, and Sally and her partner probably own a B&B and have a nice life together in a sleepy mountain town. Yeah, that's the ticket.

Well that's it for today, my friends. Good luck solving your own little mysteries today, and I'll see you back here tomorrow.