Sorry about that folks; I'll get off my soapbox now. Something positive did come from that tirade though. It led me to a topic for today, and it's one that differs from that which I thought I would be writing. Here goes! It doesn't happen too often, but whenever I hear or see, "Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids," it makes me think, "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids." Does that mean anything to you? If not, allow me to enlighten you.
There's some ultra-contrived joke about some society of creatures called Trids, and there's a hideous monster on a mountain that kicks them off when they try reasoning with him. They consult a rabbi (obviously), and he agrees to have a word with this monster. After not budging on his stance, the monster simply tells him the rabbi to leave. "Aren't you going to kick me?" he asks. Punchline. Uproarious laughter.
It's stupid, incredibly forced, and an offense to humor everywhere. Unfortunately, it's also one of many such jokes that exist not only in nature, but also in my mind. I hate these jokes. It's so obvious that they were created backwards after someone mis-spoke or mis-heard something. I wish there were a word that meant "super duper contrived," because that's the word that would be featured about a dozen times in this post. Want another example?
There once was this toad that was all yellow. His friends, family, and everyone else were completely green, so he stuck out like the sorest of sore thumbs. He wished and wished that he could be green so he could fit in, and one day a magical fairy appeared. "You want to be green, do you?" she asked. "More than anything!" he said. Poof! Like that, he was green. Except...for some reason, his penis was still yellow. "Uh, I don't mean to be too picky, but can you change this too?" he asked. "Oh geez, I wish I could, but the policy is one wish per customer per day." "Well what am I supposed to do?" he asked, getting a little upset now. "I know," she said, "the Wizard can help you." With that, she gave him a map and sent him off on his way. An hour later, a purple elephant who had been wishing and wishing that he could be gray got a visit from the same magical fairy. "You want to be gray so badly?" Poof! But his trunk was still purple. "Ma'am, I appreciate you trying to help me, but can you take care of this as well please?" "Oh, I'm sorry. One wish per customer per day. The Wizard can help you though. Geez, I only had one map and I already gave it to someone else, so you'll have to...Follow the Yellow-Dick Toad! Bwahahahahaaha.
I sure wish I didn't know more of these. Sadly I do though. To prove that I am a blogger of the people though, I'm just going to tell you the punchlines of the others with very little setup.
And she ended up having two children. The moral of the story: The squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides.
There once were these Siamese twins names Neeng and Naang. They were world famous because they were bowling prodigies at the age of five. If there was a pin on the right side, Neeng would pick it up; on the left, and Naang was all over it. One day, their parents thought it would be best to separate them. The operation was technically successful, but there was one small side effect: they both went crazy. Without other options, their parents sent them away to an asylum to be cared for. Not just any asylum though - one with a bowling alley so they could still do the one thing that brought them joy. The brothers grew to hate each other over the next few years, and things finally came to a head when Naang challenged Neeng to a bowling match right there in the asylum. Being crazy, they prepared for the match in odd ways. Neeng covered himself in flour so he was as pale as pale could be. Naang took a different approach and covered himself in maple syrup. People came from all around to watch the match between the two crazy bowling brothers. After nine frames, the score was tied. Naang had a great tenth frame, so Neeng needed twenty-one pins to tie, twenty-two to win. After checking the scoreboard, Naang starting jumping up and down in joy. "I won! I won!" he yelled. "But the match isn't over yet," said his mom, who had been watching from the gallery. "Oh yes it is," said Naang. "White Neeng never strikes twice in the sane place!"
God I hate those fucking jokes. Have a good Thursday, my friends. See you tomorrow for another Follow Up Friday.
3 comments:
Ow. Those jokes are painful to my sense of humor. I think, regarding yesterday's post, these ridiculously contrived jokes should come with a warning label. Warning! The joke you are about to hear will not be funny, will waste a minute or two of your life, amd may cause nausea.
There was a horrible joke circulating around my junior high that where a 3 dentists lived on top of a hill and were planning to go on vacation. The first dentist walked down down down (say down like 20 more times) the hill to his car but then realized he forgot his Colgate so he went up up up up (times a bagillion) to the get it. The second dentist did the same thing with his tube of Crest, as many ups and downs as there can be possibly be. Finally the third dentist realized had also forgotten HIS Crest when he was down down down down down the hill and had to go back up up up up to get it. Finally they were ready to go.
Moral of the story: Crest is better than Colgate because 2 out of 3 dentists prefer it. A girl told it to me on a bus and I seriously contemplated going "Speed" on her ass and blowing that shit up. The G.D. joke took like 20 minutes.
Long, contrived jokes are my favorites.
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