Longtime UOPTA reader Laynie posted a comment yesterday that took the words right out of my mouth. She mentioned her hatred for Carl's Jr.'s advertisements. The thing is, I almost added an entire Carl's Jr. section to yesterday's post but decided to split it into two and save that part for today. Smart lady, that Laynie. (Please note, she also hates Paris Hilton, so the picture to the left is of the hotel heiress/dirty whore in a Carl's Jr. commercial.)
First, let's go back in time (cue time-travel music). As a teenager, I ate fast food more often than I should have. Since McDonalds and Burger Kings were ubiquitous, those were the ones I frequented more...frequently. (Yeah, I could hit the backspace key and re-do that sentence, but I like to keep moving forward, ya know?) I really enjoyed what Jack in the Box had to offer, especially their $1 menu items. Wendy's was good too, although I never quite got used to the square patties on the burgers. Seriously, what's going on there? Who thought that would be a good idea? Not that hamburger patties are natural-looking to begin with, but the square ones look more like art deco than fast food to me. In any case, my favorite fast food hamburger was the Western Bacon Cheeseburger at Carl's Jr. Oh I know how unhealthy that is, but that burger was what I was looking for when I was looking...for a burger. Damn, did it again.
Still moving forward! Then Carl's built an entire ad campaign around how messy their burgers are to eat. That's not my thing, and I found the commercials actually unappetizing. In addition, one commercial focused on guys spying on a woman through her window and making sexual groaning sounds every time the ketchup dripped off the burger. As if that wasn't enough, they made sure that they had all the sound effects they'd need to accentuate each bite. It was disgusting on several levels.
I guess it worked though, because they didn't stop there. No, gentle readers, they were not content just to gross me out; they also needed to piss me off. They had radio commercials with little songs about other restaurants' "wimpy burgers." They proceeded to tell us what kinds of guys ate wimpy burgers, and that amounted to basically saying, "You're a homo if you eat burgers from anywhere else." They were only slightly more subtle than that. Then, they launched commercials making fun of Chicken McNuggets, pointing out that chickens don't have a part of the body called "the nugget." Valid point, I suppose, but not when it comes from the same company who sold "Chicken Stars." They conveniently avoided that part, as you might expect. My anger was building.
Next, they had a campaign centered on the fact that without the existence of Carl's Jr., men would die of starvation. Because we're idiots. They show men poking raw meat at the market, etc., being completely incapable of anything but eating their food in a messy manner. They couldn't do any worse, right? Oh how I wish that were true. Instead, they assault the viewing public with ads for "The Six Dollar Burger." The rationale behind that burger is that it would cost $6 at other places. At Carl's Jr. though, the one called "The Six Dollar Burger" doesn't cost $6. The value meal costs darn near that, but focus, people. It's what it would cost. Oh wait, then they launched commercials telling us that a burger like that costs $20 at Restaurant X and $10.95 at Cafe Y. To me, that completely invalidates the entire reason behind naming the burger what they did.
First, let's go back in time (cue time-travel music). As a teenager, I ate fast food more often than I should have. Since McDonalds and Burger Kings were ubiquitous, those were the ones I frequented more...frequently. (Yeah, I could hit the backspace key and re-do that sentence, but I like to keep moving forward, ya know?) I really enjoyed what Jack in the Box had to offer, especially their $1 menu items. Wendy's was good too, although I never quite got used to the square patties on the burgers. Seriously, what's going on there? Who thought that would be a good idea? Not that hamburger patties are natural-looking to begin with, but the square ones look more like art deco than fast food to me. In any case, my favorite fast food hamburger was the Western Bacon Cheeseburger at Carl's Jr. Oh I know how unhealthy that is, but that burger was what I was looking for when I was looking...for a burger. Damn, did it again.
Still moving forward! Then Carl's built an entire ad campaign around how messy their burgers are to eat. That's not my thing, and I found the commercials actually unappetizing. In addition, one commercial focused on guys spying on a woman through her window and making sexual groaning sounds every time the ketchup dripped off the burger. As if that wasn't enough, they made sure that they had all the sound effects they'd need to accentuate each bite. It was disgusting on several levels.
I guess it worked though, because they didn't stop there. No, gentle readers, they were not content just to gross me out; they also needed to piss me off. They had radio commercials with little songs about other restaurants' "wimpy burgers." They proceeded to tell us what kinds of guys ate wimpy burgers, and that amounted to basically saying, "You're a homo if you eat burgers from anywhere else." They were only slightly more subtle than that. Then, they launched commercials making fun of Chicken McNuggets, pointing out that chickens don't have a part of the body called "the nugget." Valid point, I suppose, but not when it comes from the same company who sold "Chicken Stars." They conveniently avoided that part, as you might expect. My anger was building.
Next, they had a campaign centered on the fact that without the existence of Carl's Jr., men would die of starvation. Because we're idiots. They show men poking raw meat at the market, etc., being completely incapable of anything but eating their food in a messy manner. They couldn't do any worse, right? Oh how I wish that were true. Instead, they assault the viewing public with ads for "The Six Dollar Burger." The rationale behind that burger is that it would cost $6 at other places. At Carl's Jr. though, the one called "The Six Dollar Burger" doesn't cost $6. The value meal costs darn near that, but focus, people. It's what it would cost. Oh wait, then they launched commercials telling us that a burger like that costs $20 at Restaurant X and $10.95 at Cafe Y. To me, that completely invalidates the entire reason behind naming the burger what they did.
Even worse, they then had the audacity to launch another campaign saying that at Carl's, you can get a restaurant-quality burger without all of the annoying things that come with going to an actual restaurant. What examples do they show us? You know, annoying things like...when people clean the counter. How dare they? And my hatred level rose even more.
Fortunately, I was not alone in my hatred. Frequent visitors of this space probably know that it was my friend Dusty who shared this anger with me. And so we did what we could - we boycotted Carl's Jr in the early stages of these campaigns. Remember, they had my favorite burger there, but this was bigger than burgers. This was about insulting my intelligence with commercials that portray all men as stalking, imbecilic slobs, and we weren't going to take that lightly.
Years passed, and we remained true to our vow. Then one day, I was put into a position I never imagined. I was working in Palm Springs for a few days, and I don't know where anything is there. It had been a very busy day, and I had only managed to eat half a sandwich at around 11am. We finished something at 8:45pm, and I had to be somewhere else nearby at 9:15pm. I didn't think there was going to be any food at this next event, and I was understandably starving. So, not knowing where anything was in the city, I drove toward where I had seen a supermarket before in hopes that there would be a fast food place there as well. I pulled in, and sure enough, there were two fast food places: Carl's Jr. and Green Burrito. The problem, though, was that the Green Burrito was in the Carl's Jr. and they shared the same drive thru. "Well, shit," I thought, "would this count as breaking my boycott?" I thought about it for a minute, even though I didn't have much time. Finally, I turned around and left the parking lot. It was a close enough call that I didn't feel like I could risk it. Instead, I drove toward what I thought was a more populated area and scanned the streets for food. Almost ten minutes later, I found a Jack in the Box and wolfed down a Jumbo Jack in my car before heading to the next event (which was fancily catered, by the way).
In recounting this tale to Dusty after returning home, he admired my stance but would've been ok with me eating only Green Burrito food from that drive thru. Other people weren't as understanding and think I was a stubborn fool for not taking the opportunity to eat when I could. I'm a man of principle though, and I'm proud to say that I held true to my convictions even in tough times. I know what you're thinking, and yes, I think I'm just like Job too.
So Laynie, rest assured that I didn't just leave Carl's Jr. commercials out of yesterday's post without a good reason. My hatred runs deep enough for them that they deserved a whole day dedicated to the overall shittiness of their ad campaigns. And mind you, they've incurred all of this wrath without involving Kirstie Alley. That's hard to do. And that concludes The Six Thousand Word Blog Entry, available in only 1,179 words. Bastards.
Fortunately, I was not alone in my hatred. Frequent visitors of this space probably know that it was my friend Dusty who shared this anger with me. And so we did what we could - we boycotted Carl's Jr in the early stages of these campaigns. Remember, they had my favorite burger there, but this was bigger than burgers. This was about insulting my intelligence with commercials that portray all men as stalking, imbecilic slobs, and we weren't going to take that lightly.
Years passed, and we remained true to our vow. Then one day, I was put into a position I never imagined. I was working in Palm Springs for a few days, and I don't know where anything is there. It had been a very busy day, and I had only managed to eat half a sandwich at around 11am. We finished something at 8:45pm, and I had to be somewhere else nearby at 9:15pm. I didn't think there was going to be any food at this next event, and I was understandably starving. So, not knowing where anything was in the city, I drove toward where I had seen a supermarket before in hopes that there would be a fast food place there as well. I pulled in, and sure enough, there were two fast food places: Carl's Jr. and Green Burrito. The problem, though, was that the Green Burrito was in the Carl's Jr. and they shared the same drive thru. "Well, shit," I thought, "would this count as breaking my boycott?" I thought about it for a minute, even though I didn't have much time. Finally, I turned around and left the parking lot. It was a close enough call that I didn't feel like I could risk it. Instead, I drove toward what I thought was a more populated area and scanned the streets for food. Almost ten minutes later, I found a Jack in the Box and wolfed down a Jumbo Jack in my car before heading to the next event (which was fancily catered, by the way).
In recounting this tale to Dusty after returning home, he admired my stance but would've been ok with me eating only Green Burrito food from that drive thru. Other people weren't as understanding and think I was a stubborn fool for not taking the opportunity to eat when I could. I'm a man of principle though, and I'm proud to say that I held true to my convictions even in tough times. I know what you're thinking, and yes, I think I'm just like Job too.
So Laynie, rest assured that I didn't just leave Carl's Jr. commercials out of yesterday's post without a good reason. My hatred runs deep enough for them that they deserved a whole day dedicated to the overall shittiness of their ad campaigns. And mind you, they've incurred all of this wrath without involving Kirstie Alley. That's hard to do. And that concludes The Six Thousand Word Blog Entry, available in only 1,179 words. Bastards.
3 comments:
I don't think we have Carl's Jr. out here on the East Coast. I don't remember seeing one of their commercials anyway....
In defense of Wendy's square burgers, however: I used to love to eat the square corners FIRST as they hung so appetizingly outside the bun. Alas, that's when I still assumed there was meat in the burger, too.
It's a good thing you didn't order the Green Burrito. Carl Karcher Enterprises owns Carl's Jr. and Green Burrito, so they're basically the same restaurant.
When you really think about it, ordering a GB would have been just as bad as ordering a Western Bacon Chee.
Clearly, the boycott would have been broken. Luckily for us all, the streak lives on. Keep fighting the good fight Peter.
-Greg
By the way, have you eaten at La Salsa Lately?
Mister Greg,
My dilemma was based on the fact that even though they're essentially the same company, I have no problem with Green Burrito's ad campaign (if they even have one anymore). That's the reason for the boycott, so I think I would eat at a stand-alone Green Burrito with no problem. I understand your point, but my issue isn't with the parent company, but rather specifically the ad execs of Carl's Jr.
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