First off - Happy 1.5 Birthday to my favorite nephew! Now back to your regularly scheduled ramblings:
Yesterday, I was standing in line to pay at Office Depot. There was only one person in front of me, so I already took my wallet and a $20 bill out. A woman then came up behind me. "Excuse me," she said, "are you in line?" Now I'm a sarcastic s.o.b., and there was 0% chance that I was doing anything but standing in line. I simply answered, "Yes," before turning around quickly enough to roll my eyes without getting caught. Walking back to the car, I realized something: I am thankful for stupid people. They keep things interesting and give me practice for witty comebacks. But since I only managed a "Yes" from that question, it appears that I'm slipping.
Years ago, I handled the dumb with great ease. While working at a university, I often showed groups of parents and students around and I was at the top of my game when it came to comebacks. I'd fend off questions like a pro:
Q: What if I don't have a bike?
A: Well, you'd look pretty silly trying to pedal then, wouldn't you?
Q: Can you imagine fitting two people in a room this size?
A: Well, I have a pretty active imagination, so yes. Give me a harder one.
Q: Can I use the library after it's closed for the night?
A: Only if you slip the maître d' a fiver.
And so on. Then I moved to Sacramento for a year, and things got a little more difficult. There was a group of three or four people who sat together, and one was accepted as "the smart one." We'll call him Frank. They'd ask him questions all the time, and he'd answer authoritatively. I sat near this group, and I overheard a conversation once that went something like this:
Person A: What's the capital of the United States?
Person B: Um, I'm not sure. It might be Washington. Hey Frank, what's the capital of the U.S.?
Frank: (authoritatively) The U.S. doesn't have a capital.
Person B: What about Washington?
Frank: (authoritatively) Washington is a territory like Puerto Rico, but it's not the capital. The U.S. doesn't have one.
Person A and B: Ohhh.
These people were in their mid to late 20s, by the way. I sat there in silence, unable to say anything in response to that interaction. Was I in shock from how certain the "smart one" was in his answers? Whatever the reason, I was a little upset at myself for not interjecting something to the conversation. I was the king of snobby comebacks! Where was my "Are you sure it's not Ottawa?" comment or my "He's right, the U.S. is like e.e. cummings"?
So when the woman asked me if I was in line, I'm retroactively astonished at myself that I only said "Yes." What would've been best? "No, but I'm going to the chiropractor later"? I don't even know. I'm off my game - how can I be a smug asshole without that skill? Stupid people who ask stupid questions, I'm asking for your help; please help me train to regain my former level of witty-comeback-ness. You can do anything if you just set your feeble mind to it.
Years ago, I handled the dumb with great ease. While working at a university, I often showed groups of parents and students around and I was at the top of my game when it came to comebacks. I'd fend off questions like a pro:
Q: What if I don't have a bike?
A: Well, you'd look pretty silly trying to pedal then, wouldn't you?
Q: Can you imagine fitting two people in a room this size?
A: Well, I have a pretty active imagination, so yes. Give me a harder one.
Q: Can I use the library after it's closed for the night?
A: Only if you slip the maître d' a fiver.
And so on. Then I moved to Sacramento for a year, and things got a little more difficult. There was a group of three or four people who sat together, and one was accepted as "the smart one." We'll call him Frank. They'd ask him questions all the time, and he'd answer authoritatively. I sat near this group, and I overheard a conversation once that went something like this:
Person A: What's the capital of the United States?
Person B: Um, I'm not sure. It might be Washington. Hey Frank, what's the capital of the U.S.?
Frank: (authoritatively) The U.S. doesn't have a capital.
Person B: What about Washington?
Frank: (authoritatively) Washington is a territory like Puerto Rico, but it's not the capital. The U.S. doesn't have one.
Person A and B: Ohhh.
These people were in their mid to late 20s, by the way. I sat there in silence, unable to say anything in response to that interaction. Was I in shock from how certain the "smart one" was in his answers? Whatever the reason, I was a little upset at myself for not interjecting something to the conversation. I was the king of snobby comebacks! Where was my "Are you sure it's not Ottawa?" comment or my "He's right, the U.S. is like e.e. cummings"?
So when the woman asked me if I was in line, I'm retroactively astonished at myself that I only said "Yes." What would've been best? "No, but I'm going to the chiropractor later"? I don't even know. I'm off my game - how can I be a smug asshole without that skill? Stupid people who ask stupid questions, I'm asking for your help; please help me train to regain my former level of witty-comeback-ness. You can do anything if you just set your feeble mind to it.
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