Punching myself in the face

Some people think that board games are for dull and/or old people, yet I openly admit that sitting and playing games with good friends is one of my favorite activities in the world. I come from a family of game players, whether it was watching Jeopardy at night or playing the Klein "Dictionary Game" later stolen by "Balderdash." It's in my blood, and I'm happy it is.

Thankfully, my wife and almost all of my friends feel the same way. For years now, we've been content to spend some evenings playing "Cranium," "Taboo," or more recently, "Time's Up." So when Dave told us he was bringing a new game to our friend Lisa's house for New Year's Eve, we were totally down to give it a shot.

To sum up how I felt about the game, here is an actual text message I sent to Dave's wife Twilight in the middle of us playing: "Kill me now. I'm not kidding. I would rather be dead. Don't read any sarcasm into this. I want to die because of this stupid fucking game." It got to a point in which I started literally punching myself in the face because that couldn't make the experience any worse. To quote Paul Rudd's character in "The 40 Year-Old Virgin": "I would rather watch Beautician and the Beast." That's saying a lot, I know.

What game could possibly be as bad as I'm making it out to be? It's called "Killer Bunnies," published by Playroom Entertainment. The website www.boardgamegeek.com describes the game as "a funny and satirical non-collectable, expandable card game." Well, we agree on one thing: it's non-collectable. The main problem of the game is that there are way, way too many components to it. I'll try to give you a brief rundown of the important aspects of the game and let you judge for yourselves:

1. You may have bunny cards in your hand, and you need to protect your bunnies because you can't win if you have dead bunnies. Just like in real life. There are different kinds of bunny cards, and it's good to have multiples of the same kind (like three Lethargic Bunny cards, for example).

2. You want to collect specially-numbered carrot cards because at the end of the game, one carrot card will be randomly named the "Magic Carrot." If you have the number assigned to the "Magic Carrot," you win - but only if you have living bunnies of course.

3. You may obtain water or cabbage cards. That way, if someone plays a dreaded "Feed the Bunny" card on you, you'll still be ok. If you don't have food and drink, you need to obtain it before you can play your next turn. Like being in jail in "Monopoly," but instead with things vital to existence.

4. There's money involved too, called "Kabala Dollas." Don't ask me why. These are used to buy things at the Kabala Store naturally, where the hours of operation change seemingly willy-nilly.

5. Also, there are weapons ranging in power from 1 to 12. If I play a weapon rated 9 on Greg, he has to roll (oh yes, there are dice - five different ones no less!) higher than 9 to keep his bunnies alive. Some bigger weapons have an effect of people sitting near the target, because let's be honest, war is an inexact science.

6. You must have two cards face down that represent the next two cards you will play on subsequent turns. The problem with that is that some have a pink square, which obviously means you can only play them with live bunnies. You can't switch the cards out once they're there, so if your bunnies die, that card ends up being wasted (unless you save it, which really isn't worth getting into).

7. You can trade cards with someone when it's your turn, but it doesn't count as your turn. There aren't any guidelines governing what you can and can not trade, so shady business dealings abound.

Sound complicated? I'm sure I left quite a bit out too. Factor in the fact that the game can end pretty quickly after starting, and it's quite frustrating. Then factor in that Dave dealt the cards and explained the game, then realized he screwed up and re-shuffled. After dealing again and playing for a little while, he realized that he screwed up again and we needed to start over. That's about when the self-face-punching began.

Here's something to know about me: I'm a fair and honest guy. When playing a game called "True Colors" once, my wife and I tied for the most votes for people who would make the best referees. I don't cut corners and I certainly don't cheat at games despite how much I want to win. But I'm here to say that I cheated in "Killer Bunnies," and I couldn't be more proud of myself. I switched my down cards so I could take the last two carrots. Basically, I cheated so I could lose faster and we could get our lives back. I was heartily congratulated for cheating, and though I lost the game, everyone but Dave would agree that I was a winner.

Once the ordeal was mercifully over, Lisa's husband Paul said that he started to see some merit in the game after a while. That led to the next topic of conversation, the Stockholm Syndrome, in which one becomes sympathetic to his captors. Again, it was really that bad.

The night was young enough that we were able to get some "Apples to Apples" in, a game that is vastly superior and even more vastly less-complicated. "Killer Bunnies" left its mark on us all though, and there's no way in hell we're playing that piece of shit game again. It will stay in 2006, no matter how many Kabala Dollas Dave throws at me to try it again.