Caught read-handed

Good morning, gentle readers, and welcome to another UOPTA post on this much-maligned day of the week. Ya know, the Bangles complain about their "Manic Monday" quite a bit (through the use of badly forced rhymes), but I think they'd prefer it to a "Depressed Monday," don't you? Here's a bit of trivia for you: Susanna Hoffs of the Bangles is married to "Austin Powers" director Jay Roach and appeared as part of Austin's band, Ming Tea. Ok, that's enough learning for today.

Guess what? I have a story to tell. I know that's hardly groundbreaking news, but check this shit out: today's story is about a story. Did I just totally blow your mind or what? That's what I thought. Peter "The Mindblower" Klein has a nice ring to it.

From the age of around 2 to 12, my family lived literally right around the corner from my grandparents. It was wonderful, and we spent a whole bunch of time over there hanging out, playing, and getting fed. One activity that factored into almost every day we spent there was reading from one of our many favorite kids' books. One of the ones I remember most is "The Ice Cream Cone Coot and Other Rare Birds" by Arnold Lobel. There were great illustrations and wacky descriptions of birds that (quite fortunately) don't exist. This imaginative book introduced both me and my favorite brother Kevin to the concept of using silly rhymes to tell a story. Because of that, I can now proudly do this: "We sat and read the glossy pages/And then were forced back in our cages." I kid, I kid. We shared a cage.

That's not the book I intend to write about though. No, gentle readers, while that book kept us interested and our minds all a-flutter, we generally forgot about it whenever we weren't over there. Not so with another book. "Tell Me a Trudy" by Lore Segal is still very much with me today, and most likely in a manner that the author never saw coming. (Wow, I can almost hear Kevin's head shaking from here.) In the book, there were three separate stories about some family. I was young, so someone else will need to fill in the details. I remember that in each of them, Trudy's dad or some other relative told her a story about something happening to her or the family but being all solved in the end. I know that's vague, but that's not the important part. (I just realized that this is now a story about a story in a story. I think I need a second to digest the enormity of this.)

(Ok, I'm back.) The important part is that in these stories, Trudy's younger brother named Jacob always said that same thing: "Me too." There may have been an exclamation involved, but that's all he ever said. Kinda like the character of Peter in "Romeo and Juliet" only saying "Anon?" or the one jailed woman in "Chicago" who only said "Not guilty," come to think of it. One of the characters would say something, and Jacob would always reply "Me too./!" That's just the way I remember it happening. So Kevin and I somehow brought that into our lives.

I have a feeling this is exactly how it happened, but I'm too young to be positive. I must have said, "Me too" after Kevin said he wanted something. Being the older brother he was, he probably said something somewhat-nasty about me being just like Jacob. "I'm not Jacob," I most likely protested. A day or so later, Kevin almost certainly said, "Me too," but then heard himself in time to quickly add on, "I'm not Jacob" at the end. It stuck. From that point on, neither of us could say "Me too" without "I'm not Jacob" right after it.

We knew this was strange and that other people wouldn't get what we were doing, so it became a general mumble after "Me too" to cover our bases. Sometimes we were caught doing that and then had to give a very strange, mumble-laden explanation that sounded something like this: "There was this book, and this character named Jacob used to always say 'Me too' (I'm not Jacob). So now whenever we say 'Me too' (I'm not Jacob), we have to say 'I'm not Jacob' right after it." Yes, strange adults come from strange children, I realize this.

The game was to then catch the other person not saying it and publicly ridicule him. I thought I caught Kevin a few times, but each time he said that I just didn't hear his mumble. He was probably lying, but I let it slide because I was such a swell guy. One time, however, I totally nailed him. We were at Thanksgiving probably in the mid 80s, and I heard Kevin say, "Me too." I looked over and watched his lips carefully to see if they moved a millimeter. Sure enough, they didn't. I waited an extra three seconds so he couldn't say that he was still planning on adding it, and then I pounced. "You said 'Me too' (I'm not Jacob) without saying 'I'm not Jacob!'" I pointed out. He paused, and then shockingly admitted that I had indeed caught him. It was, how shall I put this...fucking awesome.

Over the years, I kinda remember each of us catching the other once or twice, but that Thanksgiving one is the only one that truly sticks out. To this day, neither Kevin nor I can say "Me too" without at least thinking, "I'm not Jacob" right after it. Occasionally I'll still mumble it, but I generally have it under control. Oh, the weird games that weird kids play. If I had only stopped and asked myself what would be so bad about being like Jacob, maybe the game never would've been created. Ah, one of the few perks of kids being unsure of themselves.

That's it for now, friends. Have a great day, and I'll see you here tomorrow. As always, please write to ptklein@gmail.com with absolutely anything that comes to mind about absolutely anything.