Multiplying meanings

Yesterday, I promised a very special Wednesday post. How could I know that so far in advance? Today, gentle readers, is my mother's birthday. I am very happy to publicly wish her the best in this space, for she helped shape this blogger before you (and she is one of the very few who actually writes in to ptklein@gmail.com with suggestions for posts, funny stories, etc.). So Mom, this very random and disjointed Wednesday post is for you. Happy Birthday, and I'm looking forward to dinner tonight.

Sometimes I talk about wordy things on Wednesdays, and since I follow all of the hottest trends out there, I shall keep this one alive. I'm such a sheep, but I guess that's better than being a lemming, right? Anyway, I was recently complaining to someone that I feel the English language is sorely missing something. I want a word like "aloha" or "shalom" in my daily vocabulary. To have "hello," "goodbye," "peace," "love," etc. all wrapped up in one word would be extremely helpful. Maybe we can just borrow those two and make a mega combo word: Shaloha. Who's on board with this idea? Just think of the possibilities. Oh sure, there would be some confusing conversations at first, but we'd eventually get the hang of it. Then we'd have fun, ya know, doing stuff like translating "Hello Goodbye" by the Beatles to "Shaloha Shaloha." "I don't know why you say Shaloha, I say Shaloha." I'm pretty sure the fun would never stop with that one.

Many moons ago, I wrote an entire post on "auto-followers." I believe that post was creatively entitled "Auto Followers," but I'm too lazy to check for sure. For those of you who are more recent UOPTA readers, those are words like "scantily" or "furrowed" that are automatically followed by the same word nearly every time. I thought of something similar, but not exactly an auto-follower because it's a phrase and not an individual word coming after another. If I say the word "hazard" to you, it could mean many things. My first thought is the noun, either referencing something on the road or the golf course. My second thought is the county, either where the Dukes resided or where a Richard Marx song about a murder mystery is set. .

But if I told you it was the verb "hazard," only one thing could possibly follow in my mind: "a guess." I don't hazard anything else. Do you? There aren't even filler words I put in before "a guess," but always "hazard a guess" together. The closest synonym I can find is "venture," but that's not exact. Maybe I'm thinking too much about one particular word (ok, I am, not maybe), but I never thought that guessing about something carried the high risk that "hazard" implies.

Come to think of it, maybe guessing is a much more dangerous activity than I ever imagined. If I want someone to guess, I might ask him or her to "take a stab at it" or "give it a shot." I'm beginning to wonder why "light it on fire" hasn't come to mean the same thing yet. Ok, I've definitely gone too far with this one now and have become a hazard to myself. Shit, there I go again.

Alrighty, a new paragraph is forcing me to switch topics. Back in high school, Dusty and I were once talking to our friend Alon, and he made an excellent point. Our peers would consistently use three different replacements for the word "say." Those words are "go," "all," and "like." Please allow me to illustrate:

Girl 1: Oh my God, Girl 3, you totally missed it. Brianna was wicked pissed at Bobby because he let Allison borrow a pen. So Bobby goes, "Why are you acting like that?"

Girl 2: Yeah, and then Brianna's all, "Acting like what?"

Girl 1: And he's like, "You know, all mean and stuff."

Girl 2: Yeah, it was like, totally messed up.

Girl 3: I hate you two. (exits)

See what I mean? And see how stupid high school is? In any case, Dusty and I wanted to make up our own word to be substituted for "say." We probably should've thought it through more, but we selected "homes." We debated whether it should be, "So I homes," or "So I'm homes" before quoting. The "to be" verb was conjugated in the "all" usage, but not the "go" or "like," so it was a tough call. We put it in there, so that we could say, "Then he's homes, 'Don't shoot, dude, it's me!'" I think I've already used "homes" in that context more in this post than we ever did in real life. That's because it was stupid and ineffectual. But hey, we tried.

Ok, I've randomly rambled far more than necessary already today, and the time has come to stop the madness. Have a great Wednesday, and send me your thoughts, stories, questions, annoyances, etc. at ptklein@gmail.com. Once again, Happy Birthday Mom. Shaloha.