A woman scorned

Good morning, gentle readers. Since Elvis died 30 years ago today, this one goes out to him and his family. Mainly Priscilla, because even though she looks all weird and plastic now, she kicked ass as Lt. Frank Drebin's love interest in "The Naked Gun." Anyone who pulls off the, "Thanks, I just had it stuffed" line so perfectly is ok in my book.

When I left you yesterday, you had puppy dog eyes and didn't want me to go. Oh wait, that was my dog. I always confuse you two. When I ended my post yesterday, Kanita had just heard me tell a group of people that I didn't like her. I worried that I had maybe set myself up for a hard rest of the week, and I was pretty spot-on with that assessment.

The very next day, we were in co-ed groups rehearsing skits to be performed at the end of the week. My memory might be playing tricks on me, but I recall that I was somehow playing Santa Claus in our scene. Disirregardless, I was standing precariously on a wheelbarrow, since that's the way Jewish Santa Clauses roll, and reading my lines. Kanita walked by and, without making any eye contact, "accidentally" bumped into it, causing me to fall flat on my ass. "Sorry," her mouth said, but her eyes said, "How could you?" I wanted to believe the mouth, but I knew it was pointless. A more mature Peter would've walked up to her, apologized for hurting her feelings, and suggested that we act civilly toward each other for the remainder of the week. By "we act civilly," I would've meant, "you don't hurt me." I was not a more mature Peter though, so I just laughed it off and hoped nothing of the sort would happen again.

I managed to pretty much avoid her from that point on. That is, until the last night at camp. My friends and I were all hanging out in our cabin with a young German kid named Jay who looked like a mini Hulk Hogan and talked funny. What more did we need? There was a knock on the door, and then Kanita entered before we could even ask who it was. First of all, girls weren't allowed in there. Second of all, it was after the time allowed to be out of one's cabin (yeah, I know, I'm such a stickler when I want the rules to apply).

Everyone froze, confused my Kanita's presence. Her eyes met mine, and she looked equal parts crazy and angry. "You don't like me?" she said with a clenched jaw, and she started to take a step toward me. "Uh, Kanita," I stammered, and she took another couple of steps and raised her hands as if she were about to choke me. "You leave Peter alone!" shouted little Jay, and he ran up to her and grabbed her leg with all of his might. She tried to keep moving toward me, but the commotion had brought our counselor in to see what was going on. I don't think he expected to see the scene before him, and his face confirmed that. He snapped out of it though, ordered Kanita out of there, and told her there would be disciplinary action tomorrow. We all knew that was full of shit since we were going home right after breakfast, but it still got her out of the cabin. I vaguely remember referring to her as a "she-bitch" right after that, but I don't even know what that means. In hindsight, I really wish I had said something like, "Kanita can-eat-a dick!" I'd still be getting commended on that one to this day if I had managed that in the heat of the moment.

We spent the next hour or more talking about what had happened, and even though it was past "lights out" time, the counselor let us keep talking. In the morning, our topic of conversation didn't change, and we sat at breakfast looking over to Kanita's table often to make sure she wasn't coming back to finish the job. We got out of there and went back to finish packing, which is when Jason N. came up with his song:

"Kanita,
Everybody loves to beat her.
Kanita,
Kanita loves Peter.

One da-ay,
Down at the flagpole,
She tackled DJ,
Kanita's an asshole.

Kanita,
Everybody loves to beat her.
Kanita,
Kanita loves Peter."

It was catchy, and now I'm kinda pissed at myself since I know I'll have it in my head all day. Great slant rhyme with "flagpole" and "asshole," don't ya think? It totally makes up for the forced "beat her" line in my opinion. I finished packing and said goodbye to everyone as I waited for my parents. They showed up and began asking all of the usual questions. As we were walking to the car and I was telling them that I had a fun week, I looked up to the area where the girls' cabins were. Sure enough, there stood Kanita, watching me. Sadly, she raised a hand to say goodbye, and I nodded back to her while trying to hide it from my parents. I've always thought that her little wave was an apology for going overboard, but for all I know, she could've been trying to activate some poison-tipped arrow launcher hidden in the shirt.

And so, gentle readers, that is my long camp story. I've told it many times over the years, but something just occurred to me this time: all of my troubles with Kanita began after my friends and I broke our pact and invited others into our special, hidden place. The whole thing strikes me as very "Twilight Zone" meets "Monkey's Paw" meets the smoke monster from "Lost." I'm sure you agree, if you can accept that she was inhabited by the angry spirit of the Rope Trail and was hell-bent on revenge for those who took the awesome beauty so lightly. What happens when you share what should never be shared? Kanita! What happens when the body ascends to a place the young mind cannot yet reach? Kanita! Who probably would've gotten some sweet Klein action if she hadn't worn a turtleneck? Kanita! Someone get M. Night Shamalamadingdong on the phone; this can't be any worse than "Lady in the Water."

Have a great day, my friends. I'll see you back here tomorrow for yet another FUF piece. If you can't wait that long, just email ptklein@gmail.com and hopefully that will cool your jets long enough that you don't make any rash decisions in the midst of your UOPTA withdrawals.