Good morning, and how are we doing on this Monday again? I have to tell you about something I saw last week: I was sitting in traffic on the 405 on my way to work, and as I'm prone to doing, I looked around at the cars in the same situation as me. One lane over and one car up, I saw the most perfectly-placed license plate imaginable: H8 405. I was understandably thrilled. Don't get me wrong, I don't like the 405 parking lot any more than the next guy, but that's commitment when you pay extra to have that as a personalized plate.
My dad called to tell me about a car he was behind later that same day. The plate read "FU TLG8R," plate-speak for "Fuck you, tailgater" in case you can't tell. Is it just me, or doesn't something like that actually invite more tailgating than they would've received without it? For example, if someone had a bumper sticker that said "I Hate Hand Puppets," you'd better believe I'd bust out my entire catalog of animal shapes while slowly passing that car. At the very least, "FU TLG8R" made my dad tailgate in order to take a picture of it with his phone for me.
Then the next day, the 405 was the gift that kept on giving as my wife and I carpooled to work. First, a car in front of us asked a question that I'm pretty sure we've all wondered from time to time: "How would Jesus drive?" My guess is probably the speed limit and more apt to let folks merge than the average man, but I have no proof of that. I'm assuming that the owner of that car is kidding, because what could they really accomplish with that? The only thing I can think of is reminding Christians about Jesus' teachings of peace in hopes to curb the honking and swearing, but aside from that, I've got nothing.
Speaking of merging, I get very upset sometimes when people don't do it properly. If two slow-moving lanes are becoming one, there's a right way to do it: one here, one there, etc. We call this the Zipper Method, naturally. When it's my turn in the zipper and some dicknead is trying to get two in on one side and not let me in, I usually first ask, "Really?" and then I say, "Honor the Zipper, man, honor the Zipper." (You can find an explanation of 'dicknead' in my post entitled "Comedic Detour" if you thought that was just a typo.)
Back to that glorious day on the 405: Right after "HWJD?" we saw a license plate that read "A REALMN." Maybe it's just me, but I find that to be along the lines of the "I Love My Wife!" bumper sticker in that it comes off as defensive. To me, someone that puts that on his license plate is saying, "I'm a real man. I would've gotten 'REAL MAN' but it was taken, but I'm more of a man than whoever has that plate. I don't care what you've heard about me, I'm real. Ok, fine, I slept with one guy once, but I was drunk and that was a long time ago, and he came on to me. And he had long hair so I was confused. Seriously, guys, can we drop that already? I'm a real man. And I hate France." Again, maybe it's just me.
Lastly, just a minute later, we saw a truck for a company that does electrician work. On both sides of the truck in big letters it read, "Drug Tested, Background Checked, Professionally Trained." The order struck both me and my wife as very curious. When I call to have an electrician come out, while I don't want them to be high, I first care that they know what the hell they're doing. I'd do fine on the drug test and background check, but I wouldn't want me installing recessed lighting in my house.
Anyway, I'm thankful for the 405's opinionated drivers. It certainly keeps me more entertained on my treks to and from work, even though I'm often screaming in my head, "GO! GOOOOO!" It's too bad "H8 405 BT LUV NHRNT CMDC VLU" wouldn't fit on a plate.
Remember, gentle readers, if you see, hear, or think of things that I might love or hate, email me at ptklein@gmail.com. With any luck, I can have weekly bumper sticker/license plate reports for your viewing enjoyment. Have a good Monday.
My dad called to tell me about a car he was behind later that same day. The plate read "FU TLG8R," plate-speak for "Fuck you, tailgater" in case you can't tell. Is it just me, or doesn't something like that actually invite more tailgating than they would've received without it? For example, if someone had a bumper sticker that said "I Hate Hand Puppets," you'd better believe I'd bust out my entire catalog of animal shapes while slowly passing that car. At the very least, "FU TLG8R" made my dad tailgate in order to take a picture of it with his phone for me.
Then the next day, the 405 was the gift that kept on giving as my wife and I carpooled to work. First, a car in front of us asked a question that I'm pretty sure we've all wondered from time to time: "How would Jesus drive?" My guess is probably the speed limit and more apt to let folks merge than the average man, but I have no proof of that. I'm assuming that the owner of that car is kidding, because what could they really accomplish with that? The only thing I can think of is reminding Christians about Jesus' teachings of peace in hopes to curb the honking and swearing, but aside from that, I've got nothing.
Speaking of merging, I get very upset sometimes when people don't do it properly. If two slow-moving lanes are becoming one, there's a right way to do it: one here, one there, etc. We call this the Zipper Method, naturally. When it's my turn in the zipper and some dicknead is trying to get two in on one side and not let me in, I usually first ask, "Really?" and then I say, "Honor the Zipper, man, honor the Zipper." (You can find an explanation of 'dicknead' in my post entitled "Comedic Detour" if you thought that was just a typo.)
Back to that glorious day on the 405: Right after "HWJD?" we saw a license plate that read "A REALMN." Maybe it's just me, but I find that to be along the lines of the "I Love My Wife!" bumper sticker in that it comes off as defensive. To me, someone that puts that on his license plate is saying, "I'm a real man. I would've gotten 'REAL MAN' but it was taken, but I'm more of a man than whoever has that plate. I don't care what you've heard about me, I'm real. Ok, fine, I slept with one guy once, but I was drunk and that was a long time ago, and he came on to me. And he had long hair so I was confused. Seriously, guys, can we drop that already? I'm a real man. And I hate France." Again, maybe it's just me.
Lastly, just a minute later, we saw a truck for a company that does electrician work. On both sides of the truck in big letters it read, "Drug Tested, Background Checked, Professionally Trained." The order struck both me and my wife as very curious. When I call to have an electrician come out, while I don't want them to be high, I first care that they know what the hell they're doing. I'd do fine on the drug test and background check, but I wouldn't want me installing recessed lighting in my house.
Anyway, I'm thankful for the 405's opinionated drivers. It certainly keeps me more entertained on my treks to and from work, even though I'm often screaming in my head, "GO! GOOOOO!" It's too bad "H8 405 BT LUV NHRNT CMDC VLU" wouldn't fit on a plate.
Remember, gentle readers, if you see, hear, or think of things that I might love or hate, email me at ptklein@gmail.com. With any luck, I can have weekly bumper sticker/license plate reports for your viewing enjoyment. Have a good Monday.
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