Since we were all just subjected to dozens of "Who are you wearing?" questions during the Oscar pre-show, I thought I'd stop for a moment and reflect on my own attire. Be prepared to file this under the "Too Much Information" tab, but I'm here to talk about my underwear. I'll give you a minute to close this window if you're too afraid to proceed. No hard feelings, honest.
Back in the day, when one chose to wear boxer shorts, there was a very limited number of options. There were solid colors, some stripes, maybe a paisley here or there, but that was about it. In my unofficial history of the garment (that is, 100% guessing), some manufacturers probably started branching out around Christmas time, making a holiday pattern or two. Then, places like The Gap and Banana Republic went ape shit and took this thing to a whole new level.
I first noticed some cool plaid and patterned ones at Structure, which then changed its name to Express Men. I didn't approve of that name change, by the way, since I had only thought of an Express tag on women's clothing but now found it on mine. It was like seeing Easy Spirit on my basketball shoes or Maidenform on my manziere/bro. Anyway, I bought some boxers because they were cool, and then I saw what The Gap and Banana Republic had to offer: crazy selection.
I went a little nuts at first because I was shocked by the possibilities. Suddenly, I had boxers with penguins, blueberries, polar bears, grizzly bears, basketballs, alligators, monkeys, cool patterns, and much more. In all the excitement, I didn't stop to think of any possible ramifications.
They started right away though: how could I wear blue and red plaid boxers under an outfit that totally clashed with them? I liked my outfits to match, and I couldn't separate that additional article of clothing (though unseen) from the rest of my outfit. Fortunately, I had plenty of pairs with blue in them since I wore that color often. I had a great array, and it just took an extra minute or two to get the combo right each day.
I only branched out on a few occasions. If I was flying somewhere that day, I wore my airplane boxers, whether they matched or not. If I was going to Vegas, one day would have to be my pair with playing cards and poker chips. A big Laker game brought the basketballs out, and I'm pretty sure they helped them win. That was pretty much it though. Aside from that, I did my best to match every day.
For years, I got up earlier than my girlfriend/fiancée/wife, so I'd get dressed in another room while she slept. I'd lay out the entire outfit the night before to keep the rummaging sounds down, and I'd smile to myself at how perfectly the ensemble went together. We then started getting up at the same time though, so I stopped laying out clothes and just chose something in the morning. Then one day, for reasons still unknown to me, I stopped caring so much. I sometimes went out of my way to choose the boxers that least matched my outfit, just because it looked funny while I got dressed. I started reaching a little for themes. For example, I had an interview and I wore the airplanes because they were to help "my career take off." Another time, I wore the gambling pair when starting a new and daunting project at work to remind me of the risk/reward correlation. If it was raining out, I might wear the pair with palm trees on them to will the sun out. You know, loosely situational pairings.
I thought of all of this and deemed it postworthy this past Sunday. I participated in the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure (www.komen.org) 5K walk with my family and lifelong friends of the family. Having gone once before, I knew that the event was filled with the amazing spirit of breast cancer survivors and the hope and optimism for a cure from those who have lost loved ones from the disease. Therefore, I proudly displayed to my wife (and possibly some unsuspecting neighbors) that I was wearing my boxers with lemons all over them. These survivors were dealt some lemons in life, but you wouldn't be able to tell from the celebratory spirit there. Each and every one of them there fought and overcame those obstacles or was currently fighting for a healthier tomorrow, and that was the overwhelming sense of the event. We were swimming in metaphorical lemonade all morning, and man was it sweet.
Back in the day, when one chose to wear boxer shorts, there was a very limited number of options. There were solid colors, some stripes, maybe a paisley here or there, but that was about it. In my unofficial history of the garment (that is, 100% guessing), some manufacturers probably started branching out around Christmas time, making a holiday pattern or two. Then, places like The Gap and Banana Republic went ape shit and took this thing to a whole new level.
I first noticed some cool plaid and patterned ones at Structure, which then changed its name to Express Men. I didn't approve of that name change, by the way, since I had only thought of an Express tag on women's clothing but now found it on mine. It was like seeing Easy Spirit on my basketball shoes or Maidenform on my manziere/bro. Anyway, I bought some boxers because they were cool, and then I saw what The Gap and Banana Republic had to offer: crazy selection.
I went a little nuts at first because I was shocked by the possibilities. Suddenly, I had boxers with penguins, blueberries, polar bears, grizzly bears, basketballs, alligators, monkeys, cool patterns, and much more. In all the excitement, I didn't stop to think of any possible ramifications.
They started right away though: how could I wear blue and red plaid boxers under an outfit that totally clashed with them? I liked my outfits to match, and I couldn't separate that additional article of clothing (though unseen) from the rest of my outfit. Fortunately, I had plenty of pairs with blue in them since I wore that color often. I had a great array, and it just took an extra minute or two to get the combo right each day.
I only branched out on a few occasions. If I was flying somewhere that day, I wore my airplane boxers, whether they matched or not. If I was going to Vegas, one day would have to be my pair with playing cards and poker chips. A big Laker game brought the basketballs out, and I'm pretty sure they helped them win. That was pretty much it though. Aside from that, I did my best to match every day.
For years, I got up earlier than my girlfriend/fiancée/wife, so I'd get dressed in another room while she slept. I'd lay out the entire outfit the night before to keep the rummaging sounds down, and I'd smile to myself at how perfectly the ensemble went together. We then started getting up at the same time though, so I stopped laying out clothes and just chose something in the morning. Then one day, for reasons still unknown to me, I stopped caring so much. I sometimes went out of my way to choose the boxers that least matched my outfit, just because it looked funny while I got dressed. I started reaching a little for themes. For example, I had an interview and I wore the airplanes because they were to help "my career take off." Another time, I wore the gambling pair when starting a new and daunting project at work to remind me of the risk/reward correlation. If it was raining out, I might wear the pair with palm trees on them to will the sun out. You know, loosely situational pairings.
I thought of all of this and deemed it postworthy this past Sunday. I participated in the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure (www.komen.org) 5K walk with my family and lifelong friends of the family. Having gone once before, I knew that the event was filled with the amazing spirit of breast cancer survivors and the hope and optimism for a cure from those who have lost loved ones from the disease. Therefore, I proudly displayed to my wife (and possibly some unsuspecting neighbors) that I was wearing my boxers with lemons all over them. These survivors were dealt some lemons in life, but you wouldn't be able to tell from the celebratory spirit there. Each and every one of them there fought and overcame those obstacles or was currently fighting for a healthier tomorrow, and that was the overwhelming sense of the event. We were swimming in metaphorical lemonade all morning, and man was it sweet.
Have a great day, gentle readers, whether your underwear tells you to or not. Please remember to write to ptklein@gmail.com with anything about anything.
2 comments:
Oddly, this makes me wish my underwear would tell me things.
I mean, I have a few that do (including a polar bear pair where the bears are inexplicably upside down), but none with monkeys or blueberries or airplanes.
Or course, I suppose boxers offer more of a canvas.
Lately, however, I have noticed lots of women's underwear with words on them. But really obvious words like "hot" or "sexxy" (two xs!) or "spoiled." Never interesting or inscrutable words like "onomatopoeia" or "elderberry." I would even be mildly impressed with "If you are reading this, I must be undressed."
In women's undies, I must say, I am more fascinated by the vogue for really uncomfortable panties.
And I am not talking about the thong thing that some women insist are crazy-comfortable, I'm talking about the obviously uncomfortable underwear that is clearly intended to impress and seduce. The underwear that, ironically, certain women must put on when they say they are going to "slip into something more comfortable."
Love the doggies!!
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