There was a Friends episode once in which the characters were trying to write down all 50 states and having a hard time at it. The next night, a group of us were at my friend Lisa's parents' place, and someone wanted to see how many each of us could write down. "I'd get all 50," I said. "That's what I thought," Lisa replied, "but it's harder than it sounds. I tried last night and only got 47." "No, I'd get all 50," I repeated, "because I know a song with all of the states in alphabetical order." "Oh, then I guess you would." The others all got pens and paper and I served as the answer key when all was said and done. The song has come in handy a few other times, including a board game once that asked how many states started with the letter m (8: Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana).
Why do I bring up such a nerdy and unexciting story? Because, gentle readers, the word of the day is "fifty." As in "fifty nifty United States," "Ulysses S. Grant on the $50 bill," and "Holy crap, this is Peter's 50th post on his blog!" Believe me, I'm as shocked as you are.
Here's a little story that combines many themes we've touched on in this space over the past 49 posts: As you may know, I have certain time issues. Namely, I feel like I need to be early to everything all the time. To make matters more pronounced, I am very bad at figuring out how long things take. If I were going somewhere ten minutes away, I'd usually only be five or ten minutes early. If I had stops to make though, it got progressively worse. For example, I would allot fifteen minutes EACH to getting gas, going to the ATM, and dropping off a video even though there were all near each other and near my destination. I couldn't help it, and so I'd get where I was going about 45 minutes early.
A minor digression: When my wife and I were dating, she did a very smart thing. I always arrived super early to get her because I thought there might be traffic, and she was getting tired of it. So instead of telling me what time to pick her up, she started telling me what time to leave the house. Brilliant. I fought every urge to leave earlier and actually got there when she wanted me to. (I did sometimes allow five minutes to walk the one hundred feet to my car, but then I'd sit in it until the right time.)
Back to the story - one situation in which my time issues are most prominent is when I go to a movie. Especially if it's a movie theater in a crowded place, my timing is really thrown off. I figure that it could take up to twenty minutes to find parking, then I might wait in line another half hour to get tickets and be let in (we're not talking summer blockbusters here, that would be much more extreme), etc. The predictable result is that I walk into an empty theater. I must tell you truthfully, there are few things in life that put me at ease as much as that. I can't explain it, but every time I see those empty seats and know that I'm early enough to sit wherever I want, I let out a deep breath and feel peaceful. Yes, I'm a sick man, I realize this.
What would I do during the half hour or more before the movie started? Aside from saving seats for my on-time and late friends, I'd sit peacefully and watch the pre-movie entertainment. I got to know these slides very, very well. The cycle is only so long, and so I sat through multiple viewings each time. I know that realtor must be good because he has a sailboat, I know that I can bring my ticket stub to the Elephant Bar for a free appetizer, and I certainly know all of the movie trivia.
My favorite trivia slide that I saw so many times asked me to guess which American movie titles matched their translated titles from overseas. The three titles were "Big Liar," "Dimwit Surges Forth," and "I'm Being Good Because I Want to Go Out." Of course, the answers were "Nixon," "Waterboy," and "Babe: Pig in the City," respectively. My friends would arrive, and I'd casually guess the answers, not fooling them for even a second. I don't understand why "Nixon" wasn't called "Nixon," but I'm not complaining. In fact, I've incorporated one of the titles into my vocabulary: whenever our dog is clearly trying to get us to talk her for a walk, we ask her, "Are you being good because you want to go out? Babe: Pig in the City?" So I truly do appreciate the translations. In fact, I'm going to see if I can find some good ones online. Hold on a sec.
Thanks. Taiwanfun.com tells me the following:
"My Best Friend's Wedding" = "The Bride is not Me"
"Contact" = "Rich in the Future"
"GI Jane" = "Satan Female Soldier"
Not bad, but let's see what else I can find. I went to www.geocities.com/smvgrey/Titlefun.html, and it has "Nixon" as "The Big Liar," so I'm inclined to believe them on the rest. If so:
"As Good as it Gets" = "Mr. Cat Poop"
"Boogie Nights" = "His Powerful Device Makes Him Famous"
"The Matrix" = "The Young People who Traverse Dimensions while Wearing Sunglasses"
I'm not so sure about those last two. I found another site, but I'm pretty sure they were all made up. Ah, the series of tubes that make up the internets; gotta love 'em.
And now a plea from your humble blogger: This being the 50th post tells me two important things: First, I have a lot of crap to talk about. Second, I don't have nearly enough crap to talk about. Sure, I have a list with some topics that can sustain this space for some time, and my drive to work each morning is full of blogging potential, but I'm here to ask for help. Bill Simmons of ESPN, my favorite online sports writer, has a mailbag column every so often in which he just addresses reader emails and questions. He has a following in the hundreds of thousands, though, and mine is probably closer to 8 or 9 of my friends. That said, I would love it if you folks would send ptklein@gmail.com your thoughts, questions, annoyances, bumper sticker observations, etc. whenever they arise. I might put together entire mailbag columns or I might just use them as prompts for longer posts from time to time. I'm sure there's a lot of stuff out there worth sending, and I'm sure I'll have an opinion on it all.
Why do I bring up such a nerdy and unexciting story? Because, gentle readers, the word of the day is "fifty." As in "fifty nifty United States," "Ulysses S. Grant on the $50 bill," and "Holy crap, this is Peter's 50th post on his blog!" Believe me, I'm as shocked as you are.
Here's a little story that combines many themes we've touched on in this space over the past 49 posts: As you may know, I have certain time issues. Namely, I feel like I need to be early to everything all the time. To make matters more pronounced, I am very bad at figuring out how long things take. If I were going somewhere ten minutes away, I'd usually only be five or ten minutes early. If I had stops to make though, it got progressively worse. For example, I would allot fifteen minutes EACH to getting gas, going to the ATM, and dropping off a video even though there were all near each other and near my destination. I couldn't help it, and so I'd get where I was going about 45 minutes early.
A minor digression: When my wife and I were dating, she did a very smart thing. I always arrived super early to get her because I thought there might be traffic, and she was getting tired of it. So instead of telling me what time to pick her up, she started telling me what time to leave the house. Brilliant. I fought every urge to leave earlier and actually got there when she wanted me to. (I did sometimes allow five minutes to walk the one hundred feet to my car, but then I'd sit in it until the right time.)
Back to the story - one situation in which my time issues are most prominent is when I go to a movie. Especially if it's a movie theater in a crowded place, my timing is really thrown off. I figure that it could take up to twenty minutes to find parking, then I might wait in line another half hour to get tickets and be let in (we're not talking summer blockbusters here, that would be much more extreme), etc. The predictable result is that I walk into an empty theater. I must tell you truthfully, there are few things in life that put me at ease as much as that. I can't explain it, but every time I see those empty seats and know that I'm early enough to sit wherever I want, I let out a deep breath and feel peaceful. Yes, I'm a sick man, I realize this.
What would I do during the half hour or more before the movie started? Aside from saving seats for my on-time and late friends, I'd sit peacefully and watch the pre-movie entertainment. I got to know these slides very, very well. The cycle is only so long, and so I sat through multiple viewings each time. I know that realtor must be good because he has a sailboat, I know that I can bring my ticket stub to the Elephant Bar for a free appetizer, and I certainly know all of the movie trivia.
My favorite trivia slide that I saw so many times asked me to guess which American movie titles matched their translated titles from overseas. The three titles were "Big Liar," "Dimwit Surges Forth," and "I'm Being Good Because I Want to Go Out." Of course, the answers were "Nixon," "Waterboy," and "Babe: Pig in the City," respectively. My friends would arrive, and I'd casually guess the answers, not fooling them for even a second. I don't understand why "Nixon" wasn't called "Nixon," but I'm not complaining. In fact, I've incorporated one of the titles into my vocabulary: whenever our dog is clearly trying to get us to talk her for a walk, we ask her, "Are you being good because you want to go out? Babe: Pig in the City?" So I truly do appreciate the translations. In fact, I'm going to see if I can find some good ones online. Hold on a sec.
Thanks. Taiwanfun.com tells me the following:
"My Best Friend's Wedding" = "The Bride is not Me"
"Contact" = "Rich in the Future"
"GI Jane" = "Satan Female Soldier"
Not bad, but let's see what else I can find. I went to www.geocities.com/smvgrey/Titlefun.html, and it has "Nixon" as "The Big Liar," so I'm inclined to believe them on the rest. If so:
"As Good as it Gets" = "Mr. Cat Poop"
"Boogie Nights" = "His Powerful Device Makes Him Famous"
"The Matrix" = "The Young People who Traverse Dimensions while Wearing Sunglasses"
I'm not so sure about those last two. I found another site, but I'm pretty sure they were all made up. Ah, the series of tubes that make up the internets; gotta love 'em.
And now a plea from your humble blogger: This being the 50th post tells me two important things: First, I have a lot of crap to talk about. Second, I don't have nearly enough crap to talk about. Sure, I have a list with some topics that can sustain this space for some time, and my drive to work each morning is full of blogging potential, but I'm here to ask for help. Bill Simmons of ESPN, my favorite online sports writer, has a mailbag column every so often in which he just addresses reader emails and questions. He has a following in the hundreds of thousands, though, and mine is probably closer to 8 or 9 of my friends. That said, I would love it if you folks would send ptklein@gmail.com your thoughts, questions, annoyances, bumper sticker observations, etc. whenever they arise. I might put together entire mailbag columns or I might just use them as prompts for longer posts from time to time. I'm sure there's a lot of stuff out there worth sending, and I'm sure I'll have an opinion on it all.
With that, gentle readers, I'm concluding the 50th post. Have a great Thursday, and thanks for reading.
5 comments:
I'd like to be the first to congratulate Peter on his 50th post! It's certainly something to be proud of. I was living in Israel during the 50th anniversary of the country, and it was an amazing celebration. Peter's blog my not be quite on par with Israel, but it impacts my daily life more... Congrats, baby, and leave work at 5 to be home by 6, ok?
Pete,
I know exactly where you got your "early to the movie theater disease". Your mother. We always arrive first and are faced with a completely empty theater. The slide show hasn't even started. After a few minutes contemplating wear to sit, I leave to buy some popcorn or to make a pit stop. When I return, she is still the only one in the theater. I pretend not to see her and call out...."Elayne, Elayne, where are you?" This still gets a slight chuckle from her even after all these years.
I know where to buy running shoes, a muffler and where to go in Tarzana for laser hair removal. Isn't it amazing what you can learn from a movie theater slide show? Congrats on #50.
I'm older than Isreal Paul
I know how to spell Israel. It was just a typo.
Paul
I have to agree with your father. Your early arrival complex, EAC for short, is hereditary. Your mother is ALWAYS the first to arrive ANYWHERE. She is always the first to RSVP, mail away for her new Mah Jongg card, the list goes on and on. So you come by it naturally and there is nothing you can do about it.
Excuse me?
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