Good morning, folks. Happy Friday, Happy Groundhog Day, Happy Birthday to my friend Kareem, and Happy Groundhog Day. A mini theme of the past week or so has been the world of names, and I have a lot more to say on the subject. I think about the names of things a lot, whether they're for people, places or things. For example, on my plane ride back from Miami, I realized that Chapstick is actually an anti-chapping stick. Weird. That's like putting decay-paste on your toothbrush, if you see what I mean.
Since I care a lot about names, I almost didn't start a blog because I kept staring at the blank box where I had to choose a name for it. I wanted to find something cool, catchy, and functional. Obviously I gave up on that and settled, but UOPTA has nice little ring to it. At least twice a year though, I face a blank name box and am fraught with panic. I speak of course of fantasy sports.
I don't know how many years I've been in fantasy leagues, but my friends and I have always been on the lookout for the perfect team names. Usually they're lines from movies, but not ones you'd necessarily know off hand. For example, if quoting Spaceballs, almost anyone who's seen it can quote "May the Schwartz be with you." Therefore, it's not good enough. We would rather have "Keep Firing, Assholes" as a name (especially for a basketball team with Allen Iverson on it) or "Ludicrous Speed," which I used for my baseball team one year.
See what I'm getting at here? Anyone can say "Nobody puts Baby in the corner," but how many toss out "I carried a watermelon" from the same movie? As I look through my team names over the years, some are clearly better than others. Here are a few of my favorites:
Baby Fish Mouth (When Harry Met Sally)
The Special Purpose (The Jerk)
Loud Noises (Anchorman)
Bags of Sand (The 40 Year-Old Virgin)
Long Division (Undercover Brother)
Sweep the Leg (Karate Kid)
Since I care a lot about names, I almost didn't start a blog because I kept staring at the blank box where I had to choose a name for it. I wanted to find something cool, catchy, and functional. Obviously I gave up on that and settled, but UOPTA has nice little ring to it. At least twice a year though, I face a blank name box and am fraught with panic. I speak of course of fantasy sports.
I don't know how many years I've been in fantasy leagues, but my friends and I have always been on the lookout for the perfect team names. Usually they're lines from movies, but not ones you'd necessarily know off hand. For example, if quoting Spaceballs, almost anyone who's seen it can quote "May the Schwartz be with you." Therefore, it's not good enough. We would rather have "Keep Firing, Assholes" as a name (especially for a basketball team with Allen Iverson on it) or "Ludicrous Speed," which I used for my baseball team one year.
See what I'm getting at here? Anyone can say "Nobody puts Baby in the corner," but how many toss out "I carried a watermelon" from the same movie? As I look through my team names over the years, some are clearly better than others. Here are a few of my favorites:
Baby Fish Mouth (When Harry Met Sally)
The Special Purpose (The Jerk)
Loud Noises (Anchorman)
Bags of Sand (The 40 Year-Old Virgin)
Long Division (Undercover Brother)
Sweep the Leg (Karate Kid)
The Frank Buckman Plan (Parenthood)
Grave Danger (A Few Good Men)
What's really fun is that when posting little trash talk messages in the leagues, these names generate nicknames. I remember signing things as "Long D," "The Special P," "BF Mouth," and simply "Bags." Upon closer inspection of the full list, it's fair to say that if Steve Martin or Will Ferrell were in a movie, there's a high probability that I'll be quoting it. I've had four different Steve Martin movies surface so far, and we had an entire Anchorman-themed league once called "The Pants Party." Quality flicks all around.
Throughout the years, I've kept lists of potential team names and waited for the right season. For example, I can't wait to use "The Stillwell Angels" for my next baseball team (from A League of Their Own). I think, rethink, and certainly overthink about these things. If I care this much about picking the perfect name for something as minor as a fantasy sports team, you can imagine how much I've thought about my future kids' names.
We got some practice when we got our dog a couple of years ago. She didn't really have a name yet, but the rescue shelter had been calling her Hope for the week that she'd been there. We didn't like that name, and so my wife and I were able to choose from anything. We were in Trader Joe's the day before we were bringing her home with us chatting about names. I said that maybe we could find a name that would commemorate the fact that we got her during our one year in Sacramento, but nothing seemed to fit (as much as Dave would've loved me having a dog named Sacky). I then suggested that since that next day was Halloween, maybe we could find something to do with that. Neither of us liked "Spooky" or anything like that, but when we came up with Hallie, we knew that was it. I realize not everything has to be a pun or have a second meaning, but we were able to accomplish all of our naming goals with that one.
For years upon years, I've had one name for a future son that I've told almost everyone about: Hello? Yes, with the question mark. Hello? Klein. Think of how cool that would be. Every single time he'd call someone on the phone, they'd say "Hello?" and he'd be like, "Yeah, what's up." Believe it or not though, my wife doesn't like that name. I know, I know, should've cleared that with her before proposing. The other boy name I like is Max. Not short for Maximilian, but Maxabillion. How sweet would that be? My wife thinks Max Klein sounds like a 70 year-old though, and I see her point I guess. But Maxabillion! I'll try to wear down her resistance on that one.
For girl names, there's one word that I think is very pretty sounding but has a slightly bad connotation: Diarrhea. It's too bad, because I think it really sounds like a pretty Shakespearean name (with a different spelling of course). "Diaria, come hither!" Damn the connotation. Even I know that's not a possible name, I'm just saying that it would be pretty if it weren't already taken by shit. The other girl name I like is Mini, short for Miniature. Miniature Klein has a great ring to it, and it's factually correct also. Honey, whaddya say? It's better than Diaria, right?
I guess we'll have to wait and see when the time comes, but I may have to start an online petition. In any case, have a fantastic weekend, gentle readers. And if you see your shadow today, say hi for me.
Grave Danger (A Few Good Men)
What's really fun is that when posting little trash talk messages in the leagues, these names generate nicknames. I remember signing things as "Long D," "The Special P," "BF Mouth," and simply "Bags." Upon closer inspection of the full list, it's fair to say that if Steve Martin or Will Ferrell were in a movie, there's a high probability that I'll be quoting it. I've had four different Steve Martin movies surface so far, and we had an entire Anchorman-themed league once called "The Pants Party." Quality flicks all around.
Throughout the years, I've kept lists of potential team names and waited for the right season. For example, I can't wait to use "The Stillwell Angels" for my next baseball team (from A League of Their Own). I think, rethink, and certainly overthink about these things. If I care this much about picking the perfect name for something as minor as a fantasy sports team, you can imagine how much I've thought about my future kids' names.
We got some practice when we got our dog a couple of years ago. She didn't really have a name yet, but the rescue shelter had been calling her Hope for the week that she'd been there. We didn't like that name, and so my wife and I were able to choose from anything. We were in Trader Joe's the day before we were bringing her home with us chatting about names. I said that maybe we could find a name that would commemorate the fact that we got her during our one year in Sacramento, but nothing seemed to fit (as much as Dave would've loved me having a dog named Sacky). I then suggested that since that next day was Halloween, maybe we could find something to do with that. Neither of us liked "Spooky" or anything like that, but when we came up with Hallie, we knew that was it. I realize not everything has to be a pun or have a second meaning, but we were able to accomplish all of our naming goals with that one.
For years upon years, I've had one name for a future son that I've told almost everyone about: Hello? Yes, with the question mark. Hello? Klein. Think of how cool that would be. Every single time he'd call someone on the phone, they'd say "Hello?" and he'd be like, "Yeah, what's up." Believe it or not though, my wife doesn't like that name. I know, I know, should've cleared that with her before proposing. The other boy name I like is Max. Not short for Maximilian, but Maxabillion. How sweet would that be? My wife thinks Max Klein sounds like a 70 year-old though, and I see her point I guess. But Maxabillion! I'll try to wear down her resistance on that one.
For girl names, there's one word that I think is very pretty sounding but has a slightly bad connotation: Diarrhea. It's too bad, because I think it really sounds like a pretty Shakespearean name (with a different spelling of course). "Diaria, come hither!" Damn the connotation. Even I know that's not a possible name, I'm just saying that it would be pretty if it weren't already taken by shit. The other girl name I like is Mini, short for Miniature. Miniature Klein has a great ring to it, and it's factually correct also. Honey, whaddya say? It's better than Diaria, right?
I guess we'll have to wait and see when the time comes, but I may have to start an online petition. In any case, have a fantastic weekend, gentle readers. And if you see your shadow today, say hi for me.
4 comments:
They Were Cones!
Sorry, honey. I'm sticking to my guns on this. As lovely as Diaria sounds (minus the connotation), it's just not going to happen. Nor will Mini, Maxabillion, or Hello? And it’s better for you that way – for the rest of your life you can tell everyone how your wife didn’t let you name your kids as you wanted to. Of course, when they hear what the names are, they’ll tell you how lucky you are to have me to keep you in line. :)
I think you should think of names that go well with Klein. Some good suggestions include Rhee or Dee for a girl, and maybe just the initial N. for a boy. But there is much to be said for your originality. You wouldn't want your daughter to be in a classroom with Diaria M. and Diaria T. and Diaria S., now would you?
And don't forget the Abbott & Costello "Who's on First?" classic.
Lou: When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?
Bud: Every dollar of it. And why not, the man's entitled to it.
Lou: Who is?
Bud: Yes.
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