A bunch of crap

Good morning! The sun is shining, the grass is green, and the water is as cool and refreshing as really cool and refreshing water. Why is the world such a cheery place today? Duh: it's Wacky Wordy Wednesday, Wotherwuckers! Wait, it is Wednesday, right? Leaving and returning to town always gets me a-jumbled in the head when it comes to days of the week. Well, maybe I'll see some white pants to confirm the day and feel more settled.

Speaking of "wotherwuckers," (and man, that's a transition I've never written before) I love how "motherfucker" is almost every celebrity's favorite curse word on "Inside the Actor's Studio." Because of that show and the questions it always asks at the end, I feel like I've seen a couple dozen stars of the silver screen use that expletive. It's almost expected to be their favorite one at this point, and I'm sometimes shocked to hear one of them opt for the simpler "fuck" by itself or some British slang instead.

So, if my previous statement/guess was accurate, then today is indeed Wednesday and I'm pleased to throw down some word-related words for your viewing enjoyment. More specifically, I'm going to see if I can stretch my initial theme this morning of curse words into an entire post of its own. That's weird, I don't think I call them "curse words," but I just did. I think I usually just call them "bad words" or "swear words," but I'm not sure. I usually say, "My mom swears like a sailor" and not, "My mom cusses like a sailor." Did "cuss" come from mispronouncing "curse?" It must've right? I don't think I've really written "cuss" before, and it looks funny to me. Hey, custard sounds like it could be "cuss-turd." That's a serendipitous discovery in the midst of my rambling. I don't think I'll ever think of that food in quite the same way.

Ok, so follow me here: much has been made in the past over the unbelievable number of uses the word "fuck" has, and I have to say that I share in the amazement. Personally, I truly enjoyed when James Caan used it as a noun in "Misery," as he shoved paper into psycho beeotch Kathy Bates' mouth and said, "You want it? You want it? Eat it! Eat it, you sick, twisted fuck!" Good times. Like I said though, many before me have espoused the virtue of the flexibility of "fuck."

However, "shit" doesn't get the glory, and I'm here to give some major props to some major shit. Allow me to explain, por favor. To begin with, it's a fantastic expletive. Don't get me wrong, the f word is king of that category, but when it comes to more subtly being dismayed by something, shit beats fuck like rock beats scissors (i.e. every single time).

And oh, it is versatile in its own right as well. It can take the place of so many things in sentences, and I'm happy to ponder this for a minute so you don't have to. In the sentence, "I have a lot of shit to do," it stands for "things that are not entirely desirable but need to be done nonetheless." On the other hand, it can also be positive: "Aw man, we did all sorts of crazy shit last night," sounds pretty positive to me. Flipping it back to the bad, "What's up with that shit?" has our word of the day taking the place of "actions or activity to which I choose not to subscribe." And yet - yet! - when something is "the shiznit," you know it's good.

That brings be directly to our next topic under the Virtues of Shit umbrella. The word has its own spinoffs, for Pete's sake. You know what spinoff fuck has? F. That's it. It's a good one, and believe me, I use it frequently, but shiznit took the world by storm. "Shiznit" begat "shizzle," and the snowball effect continued. One can also say "shyte" in deference to our pals across the pond, and I choose to use that with some pretty regular frequency. (Afterthought: I'm willing to concede that "frickin" came from the f word as well, and I use that a great deal too.)

I realize that this could get a little lengthy, so I'm going to disjointedly get the other great things about shit off my chest. "Great Things About Shit Off My Chest," incidentally, is the name of my first book. Here goes: "Shitty" is a great adjective, able to convey that something isn't up to standard beautifully. Next, if we listen to Chris Tucker in "Rush Hour," it can also mean a part of the body. "I think I broke my shit!" he exclaims, and we clearly understand that it means...something. For Chris Tucker speech, knowing that it means something is a step up. Also, shit is closing in on fuck. (That's the name of my second book, by the way.) Why do I say that? Well, the question, "What the shit?" is getting more and more popular, and if fuck isn't careful, we may start using shit for copulation. Lastly, but extremely importantly, it helps distinguish what is in fact not Shinola.

Shit isn't there yet, friends. I still first think of feces with a lot of these phrases while a lot of the fuck phrases don't lead me to think about sex. You know, for the four seconds of each minute that men don't already think about sex.

Ok, I'm outa here. Have a great Wednesday, and I'll see you back here tomorrow for another Sorry Honey It's Thursday (which seems incredibly timely, don't you think?). Please remember to write to ptklein@gmail.com with anything about anything.