Mind in the gutter

Hello everyone, and I hope you're all doing well on this Mondanic morning. I'm trying out the adjective forms of the days of the week, but I haven't decided what I want to use yet. Do you like "Mondanic," "Mondaish," or "Mondayen" most? I think there's a real need for these adjectives, and while some might just jump to "Monday-like," I think that's a cop out. "The book was exciting, and the final chapters had a real Fridanic feel to them," for example. "Lionel Richie? Oh yeah, he's Sundanic." Who's with me on this?

Anyway, that aside came out of nowhere, and it's not what I think I'm writing about today. Instead, I wish to tell a story from just a few days ago. That doesn't happen often here at UOPTA, but hey, let's live a little.

As I've documented a couple of times in this space, I joined a Thursday night bowling league with three friends. It doesn't start until 9pm, and the league is called "Party Animals." Before signing up, I asked what that meant, and the guy on the phone said that it's just a little louder than the other leagues. I was concerned that getting a strike meant you had to do a tab of acid off someone's ass crack or something, so I was relieved to be wrong.

The alley is between three and five minutes away from my house, depending on how many of the lights I make. Being hyperpunctual though, I can't help but leave at 8:30 to get there. I know that's ridiculous, but my friends are usually there not too long after me, and it gives me the opportunity to check out the standings, change shoes, and stand there looking at my watch every ten seconds. Last Thursday (which was not feeling very Thursdanic by the way since I'd been out of town earlier that week), I left at 8:25 because I was having trouble waiting for more minutes to pass. I hit play on a cd in my car, and I pulled into the alley's parking lot before the first song ended.

My very first thought as I pulled into the lot was, "It looks a little more empty than normal; maybe the league before us had the night off." My second thought was, "There's a spot right there near a car that looks like my dad's." And my third thought was, "That's my dad's license plate on that car that looks like my dad's." It only took me about five seconds to realize that those facts meant that they'd come to watch me bowl as a surprise. I quickly picked up my cell phone and called my dad's cell. It went right to voicemail, and I left this message: "Hey guys, it's me. I know it would kinda be a late night for you, but if you guys aren't doing anything tonight, I thought maybe you'd want to come watch us bowl. Anyway, let me know. Love you."

I walked into the bowling alley, and I could see the backs of my parents looking around for a familiar face. Right then it hit me: they were even earlier than I was. No wonder I'm so messed up with that kind of thing. I caught up to them, and we talked for a little while before getting over to where my team would be that evening. My mom didn't tell me they were coming on the off chance that I'd say I didn't want them to. Here's the weird thing about my relationship with my parents though: I enjoy their company. I may have been the first person in the history of the Party Animals league to have his or her parents there watching, but it didn't bother me one bit.

We looked at the standings together, and they were shocked and amazed by the team names and the fake names of the bowlers themselves. "Why haven't you talked about this for a blog post?" my mom asked. Good question, Mom. Of the 19 team names, I'd say 9 of them are overtly sexual. Unless you count "Team 17," that is. We are Hip Hop Anonymous, which is a quote from "Big Daddy" starring Adam Sandler. Some of the sexual names are puns or attempted puns having to do with bowling. For example, there are the "Gutter Sluts," clearly using bowling terminolgy (with the 'gutter' part, you crazy readers). Not quite as true to form but right up there are "Two Fingers Deep," and the one that made my mom most uncomfortable, "Split Lickers." I guess "Oversized Jocks" is a sports pun as well, if you consider bowling a sport (which I absolutely do).

The other sexual names are not puns but rather just there for one's reading enjoyment. Let's take "Pulled Out Early" for example. I guess they just like the way it sounds or something. Same goes for "Tease the Tip" and my personal favorite, "Hookers and Blow." H&B have team shirts, and I have to admit that I was a bit jealous when I first saw them. That's a quality team name there, and I tip my hat to them.

Hey, you know what? I have more to write about this league and the events of that evening, so I'm going to stop here for now. Are you going to be ok with that? I figure it's better to spread things out a little, ya know? So meet me here tomorrow, gentle readers, and I'll tell you a little more about this crazy little league we've got going on and the events of last Thursday. Have a good day, and I hope it's less Mondanic than most Mondays. Shaloha.