The fast and the furriest

Happy Halloween, all you Halloweenies out there. Today, I'm dressed as "Peter From the Year 2006." It's spot on, let me assure you. Hardly anyone can tell that I'm not actually Peter From the Year 2006, so that's a kick-ass costume in my book.

But today is something more than Halloween, my homemen and homewomen. Yes, today is the 5th birthday of our dog Hallie. We named her Hallie because we got her three years ago today, and the shelter said she was about two years old. Poof - that's now her birthday. Also, that name is a little catchier than "Dia de los Muertos Eve-ie."

My lovely wife and I like her name and think it fits her well. It's funny, because she seems so feminine to me (even though she's missing some parts) that I find myself getting offended when people ask what "his" name is. I said "it's funny," because I just realized that I guess I would prefer that a stranger glance for genitalia than assume incorrectly. I think I'll feel differently about human children.

Back when we got Hallie, we realized early on that her name fit very well in a particular song. Within that first week, we were singing, "Oh my doggie, oh my doggie, oh my doggie, Hallie Klein." Another little while later, and we'd completed the lyric: "You are pretty - pretty silly - and we love you, Hallie Klein." We were very pleased, and if her wagging tail was any indication, she liked it too.

That was the first of many, many songs that have since featured our pup's name. Two others have stood out as the best matches. First, George Harrison's "My Sweet Lord" works wonderfully. "My sweet dog (Hallie, Hallie), my my sweet dog (Hallie Hallie). I really wanna pet you (Hallie Hallie)," etc. If you know the song, then I hope you agree that that's a keeper. If you don't, then we're just gonna have to learn to trust each other.

The second of the good matches comes from "Grease:" "You're the dog that I love, you are the dog I love, ooh ooh ohh, Hallie." Not bad, eh? We can even follow that up with, "The one I feed, oh yes indeed." We do feed her, after all.

A tier lower but still good, a certain song comes up every time we have to trim the massive amount of hair on her ears. "Ear hair is everywhere" works amazingly well with "Here, There, and Everywhere" by the Beatles. "Hallie Dog" to Elvis Costello's "Allison" isn't bad either. Others have followed, but trust me when I say that you really don't want to hear all of them. (Have you learned to trust me in the span of just another paragraph? That was fast!) The thing is, I got kind of lazy and just started throwing her name into virtually everything.

My friend Dave has that problem with his pet rabbit's name. He puts that bunny's name in not just virtually every song, but literally every song. That's exponentially more interesting when you factor in that the rabbit's name is Garbanzo Bean Salad. It doesn't matter to him if the syllables even match up (with they rarely do). He'll just randomly throw "Garbanzo Bean Salad" (or sometimes just "Garbanzo") into any line of any song and think to himself, "Yeah, that one worked." I would normally want to give him a lot of shit for that, but it's gotten to be pretty funny over the years. Queen might sing, "We are the Garbanzo Bean Salads, my friend" right before Fleetwood Mac sings, "Don't stop thinkin' about Garbanzo." Ok, that one actually works.

Dusty takes the exact opposite approach. In the past five years, he and the Mills have had a dog, two rabbits, and three rats. Despite that, I only know of one song for one of the pets. Where Dave excels in the quantity department, Dusty's all about quality. When his little charcoal gray rabbit Smudge had her second birthday, Dusty had a song for her. "Ah ah ah ahhh ah, I knoooow this Smudge is two." He followed up with, "I know I know I know this Smudge is two," as is required by law. And that's it; I haven't heard any songs for his yellow lab Charlie, so he's either keeping them private or waiting for one that really kicks ass.

I like to think that I'm somewhere in the middle of those two with my songs for Hallie. All I know is that she seems to like the songs, and that's all that really matters. And since it's her birthday (of the anniversary of the day we got her), she can expect a higher than normal amount of tunes headed her way today.

As for the rest of you, if you have any songs for your pets, please share them with the class. Have a wonderful Halloween, friends. If you're dressing up, dress carefully; we wouldn't want any wardrobe malfunctions, now would we? If you're handing out candy, I don't think there's anything wrong with expecting a "Thank you" in return, but don't be a dick about it. If you're handing out pennies, you're better off just calling it a night and going to sleep. Don't do that. Whatever you end up doing this evening, be safe, and I'll see you back here in November.

p.s. Isn't she adorable?