Turning tricks

How goes it, friends? We're back on another Monday and ready to kick names and take ass. I hope you all had fantastic weekends, and it pleases me to be here with you. This week, we shall celebrate Halloween, so I figured I'd start it off by telling a couple of stories regarding tricks I've pulled off in the past. After all, you can't spell "practical joker" without P-ter.

These two stories have something very important in common. Not "important" in the "fate of the world" sense, but rather in the "I wrote 'important' and didn't feel like hitting the backspace key" sense. The thing they have in common is the fact that they both turned out to be way better tricks than I ever could've hoped for.

The first one comes to us all the way from about a year ago. My mom can correct me in the comments section if I'm wrong about that. She and my dad had just returned from a trip to China the day before. I called to see how they were doing, how they were adjusting back to good ole Pacific Standard Time, etc. When they didn't answer and I got the machine, a quick flit of inspiration hit me. In a horrible attempt at a Chinese accent, I said, "Ello, Miss Klane, this Bae Lin from Shanghai. You leave deposit in toilet. Please call." I hung up, smugly smiled at myself, and went back to work.

The next day, my mom called me and we talked for a little while. Near the end of the conversation, I said, "Oh, did you like the message I left yesterday?" She was quiet for a second, and then asked, "What message?" "The one where I pretended to be calling from Shanghai," I said, pretty confident that that would clear up any confusion. Instead I was met with three to five seconds of silence. Finally she spoke: "That was you?" "Of course that was me!" I said. "You leave deposit in toilet - who else would say that? Why, did you think it was real or something?" Sheepishly, she answered affirmatively. As it turns out, she got the message and called the hotel in which they stayed in Shanghai. "But Mom, deposit in toilet!" "I know, I know, but they don't speak English correctly and everything was that off. After being there for a while, 'deposit in toilet' could easily mean 'credit card in the bathroom' or something like that." I was very pleased with myself, but sorry that my joke had caused an international phone call. She tried blaming it on jetlag, but I wasn't having any of it. My Irish accent is decent, my Jamaican half-way decent, and my Chinese horrible. I think she should've known better, half-asleep or not.

The second story is from a summer in the late 90s. The only difficulty in staying in Santa Barbara in between school years was the fact that leases tended to all end at the same time. Therefore, I needed a place to crash while I was out of my old place but still waiting for my new place to be cleaned and officially ours. The lease changed over in the middle of my workweek, so I just stayed where I'd been staying for an extra couple of days.

One morning, though, I went over to our new place to see how it looked. I saw my roommate Jason's car in the lot, and I went in eager to greet him. As I opened the door, I heard the sound of the shower. His bedroom door was open, and I heard his girlfriend Allison call out to see who had entered. I came in and said hi and we chatted for a few moments. Then, mischievous inspiration hit me. "Hey, I should pretend I'm you and hide under the covers," I said, 20% joking. "That would be hilarious!" she said.

Right then, the water turned off. "Hurry, hide in the closet," I said. I hopped into the bed and quickly threw the heavy comforter over my head. I curled into a ball so it would be less obvious that someone about eight inches taller than Allison was in there. It was a warm morning, and the sunlight came right through the window onto the sheets covering me. I remember thinking, "There's no way she'd be under the covers when it's this warm; he's gonna know right away." The bathroom door opened and I hear a few steps coming toward the room. "Hey Al," Jason's voice said. "Hm?" I said, in as high a pitch I could get without going falsetto. He bought it. "I wanna show you something," he continued. Then I felt the covers being lifted, and I knew the time had come. I decided that I would very coolly say, "Hey Jay," as if I'd been there all along.

That plan went right out the window, gentle readers. Instead, the second the covers came off my covered head, I saw a shocked and 100% naked Jason standing over me. Before I could speak (in what would've been an immediate apology), his reflexes told him to cover himself. His reflexes must have really been working well right then, because he hyper-covered himself and essentially punched himself in the crotch. Behind him, Allison was laughing so hard that I thought she might die. I couldn't stop laughing either, although I really did feel bad that my plan worked so much better than expected.

Jason ran back to the bathroom and got a towel to do a better job of hiding his manhood. He came back in, and we all laughed and talked about the incident for a few minutes. Allison said that she almost stopped him before he got to me because she hadn't realized that he'd come out naked. Jason wasn't mad at me, but rather aware of the comedic heights as his expense. He had no idea at all that it was me, so I guess my Allison impression was better than I knew. I apologized again, swearing that I had no idea it would work that well. I promised never to do anything like that to him again. It was glorious, let me assure you.

Ah, that was a good time. I hope you enjoyed, my friends. Have a good Monday, and a special happy birthday to my former colleague Regina. See you all back here tomorrow.