Breaking ground

Before I get to anything else, you may be wondering what I'm going to write about Nick Nolte today that warrants his infamous mug shot as the picture of the day. Absolutely nothing. It's just a fantastic picture. I hope it brightens your day, if for no other reason than you look better than that right now. You have to.

A few weeks ago, a guy who regularly comes into the office to sell snacks was here with an assortment of holiday cookie tins. My boss asked if I wanted one, and I said I did, but only to give back to him as a Christmas present on some undisclosed date when he's forgotten about it. He thought that was a funny idea and proceeded to buy a tin for me/him. I went online and bought him a t-shirt from Ampu Tees (great name) for Festivus so he would get something that he didn't buy himself. It lists the three important aspects of Festivus (the pole, the feats of strength, and the airing of grievances) and I think he'll appreciate it. Anyway, I decided that today would be the day to give him his two presents. So when I arrived this morning (about an hour before anyone else gets here, which enables me to do things like write words on a weblog), I looked around for the wrapping paper. Then the light bulb went off.

We have a client who had provided us with 17 boxes full of bikini-clad girly wall calendars. The thought was that they would be a giveaway as part of a campaign, but as 2006's end drew nearer, we realized that it didn't make that much sense anymore. I've been asking him for months if I can throw the calendars away but have never gotten a straight answer. With about 2 weeks left of 2006, I took it upon myself to wrap his tin of cookies and his t-shirt in pages from the calendars. The lady on June's page has one hell of an ass, so that's on the top of the gift naturally. He'll be in soon and surely get a kick out of that. I just hope he's forgotten about the tin he bought.

As I was wrapping the presents, I thought to myself, "This is the first time I've used nearly-naked women on calendar pages to wrap a gift for someone that he purchased for himself while I'm wearing a tie. I wonder if anyone has ever done that combination of things before." That, in essence, is today's topic: Doing things for the first time in the history of mankind. I know, that's a very high bar, but it may be easier than you think.

Years ago, Dusty and I were driving from New Mexico to Los Angeles. One of us said something strange, then followed with, "Wow, I don't think I've ever said that sentence before." We spent the next few hours trying to come up with phrases that had possibly never been uttered. Ever. For example, "Me think big woman go far far chopsticks, you silly James Worthy rabbit." Is it nonsense? Absolutely. But was it the first time since the creation of the English language that those words were put together in that order? Probably, and that's awesome. We created something unique in the universe, and we were proud of that. Mock away, gentle reader, but I'd like to know what you've done recently that has never been done in the history of mankind.

Now I know some of you might think it's easy to string nonsense together to form a unique sentence, and you've got a point. So I'm going to attempt right now to create a logical, grammatically correct sentence that has never been created before. "Please pardon the shit stains on my face and neck, Mr. President, but one can only open so many Jell-O Pudding Cups with his teeth before he's bound to run into one filled with feces." Booyah Kasha!

Have a unique and strangely-fulfilling day.