I typed in "angry Santa" on Google's image search, and this was one of the pictures that came up. Naturally, I had to go with it. Merry Christmas to all who celebrate it. I'll be heading over to the annual Klein Christmas Gathering in a little bit, so my time is short this morning. It's a great tradition we have, and I'm looking forward to it. Sadly, my friend Jon won't be there this year to attempt to tie or break his meatball-eating record, but I'm sure it'll still be fun.
Enjoy the holiday (or at least the day off from work). For your viewing enjoyment, I'm posting an article I wrote for a now-defunct website last year during the holiday season:
Spreading Holiday Jeers
Well, I guess it was bound to happen: the Christmas season is already thrust upon us again. I enjoy many aspects of this time of year, ranging from the annual Klein Christmas Gathering to the weather getting all the way down into the 70s at times. There’s one particular part of the season that really bugs me, though: the music. Now, I know I’m not original in bringing this up, but I think I have a different reason for my ire, so please hear me out. For the vast majority of people, holiday music bugs them because of its ubiquity and its downright catchiness. For me though, it’s all about the lyrics.
Case #1: The Christmas Song (first recorded in 1947 by Nat King Cole)
This song has some nice imagery and really sets it up well. I can picture the chestnuts, and I’m totally there in the scene. The cold weather embodied in a character named Jack Frost is a nice touch too. Then it happens: “To kids from 1 to 92”. Let me get this straight – my little nephew, who will be almost six months old at Christmas, doesn’t deserve a merry one? Lady Bird Johnson, who will turn 93 on December 22nd, will miss these warm wishes by three days. Why? Did the original scribe think that people of that age have had enough merry Christmases? Or that since babies can’t wish you the same, they should just be left out all together? Yes, I realize that “92” rhymes with “Merry Christmas to you,” but that’s no excuse. How about, “To kids from old to spanking new” or “For fresh-faced folks and wrinkled too”? By being lazy, Mr. Christmas Song Writer, you essentially curse the young and old by blessing everyone else. Shame on you.
Case #2: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (written by Johnny Marks in 1949)
Allow me to paraphrase in order to set the scene: There’s this group of reindeer, all with very cool names in a highly-prestigious position. One of them, however, has a normal name and a physical abnormality. Do the others welcome him into the group since he adds diversity and a different perspective to their everyday lives? Hell no. They mock the poor bastard. They “laugh and call him names.” He tries to hang out socially with them, but let’s just say that doesn’t exactly work out. Then, the boss man steps in one day and makes him a star. Rudolph delivers when the others can’t and ends up saving the day. The other reindeer are wicked pissed and suffocate him in his sleep, right? No: “Then all the reindeer love him.” Bullshit. There’s no way that would’ve happened. They’re just sucking up to Santa since he obviously likes Rudolph now, thereby making them (you guessed it) brown-nosed reindeer. The real winner in all of this is Santa, who was this close to a lawsuit for creating a hostile work environment.
Overall, I don’t think I ask for too much from my Christmas songs. Just tell me a plausible story and don’t shit on the little guy (or the old guy, for that matter). If that’s too hard for you songwriters out there, just throw in some “fa la las” and call it a day. Happy holidays, everyone.
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