FUF #18

I'm in the mood for FUF, simply because you're near me. So let's get right to it, eh?

First and foremost on this glorious Friday, I must wish a Happy Anniversary to my parents. 38 years is a long, long time, and it seems like only yesterday that they'd been married for just 37. Wow, time flies. Happy Anniversary, Mom and Dad; it really is wonderful and I'm looking forward to seeing you both days of this weekend.

Ok, enough mushy stuff. Let's get into the typical FUF stuff instead: related thoughts, random thoughts, and the latest Car Watch.

We spent a nice chunk of time in this space talking about words that seem to be opposites of other words that aren't used in our language. I referred to them as "untonyms," and my friend Melissa saw them online being called "lost positives." Since writing that, I've been hyper sensitive to anything that could possibly be one. I had a dream in which I came up with one and wrote it down so that I wouldn't forget. When I woke up, I tried very hard to remember it and finally did. One problem though: it sucked. Apparently my subconscious didn't get the point of the post, because it thought that "ternational" was one. You can't break up the prefix "inter," silly Sleeping Peter. Oh well.

Likewise, Awake Peter was pretty stoked when someone said "irrespective" in his presence. Then he realized that it actually is just the opposite of "respective" and therefore isn't interesting in the slightest.

However, I have two that I believe to be good ones. The first one came from my homey Rockabye, and I shall use it in a sentence: "The teacher explained the concept perfectly, saying just enough to get the point across and stopping the moment it was clear in all of the students' minds. Later, his evaluations praised him for being so dundant." Nice, very nice.

The second came to me in a conversation with a client. "Well," I told him, "we've had preliminary discussions with all of the parties involved so far, and as soon as the product comes in, we'll have...uh, liminary ones I guess." He thought that was funny, which is good because he could've just written me off as a weirdo. He would've had a solid argument too.

You wanna know why I love my friends so much? Check out this text message I got from Dusty a couple of nights ago: "Car names that can be interpreted as imperatives. I'll go first: Focus." Naturally, I had no choice but to respond. "Ram," I wrote. He countered with "Probe." I sent "Jimmy" over to him, and he replied with the brilliant "Sidekick." We went through some more for a little while, including "Outback," and "Baja" (Spanish commands are commands too). Then we shifted and wrote a couple that end in "er" (that we used as "her"), but we stopped those after a little bit because they got stale. I then got two final text messages from Dusty. The first: "The rest I have aren't funny. Golf, Escort, Contour, Dart." And the second: "Oh, except for the Lincoln Buttfuck."

My favorite brother called me to tell me that he saw an electrician advertising his business with the phone number 1-800-ELECTRICMAN. He acknowledged that this wasn't as long as 1-800-SAVETHECHILDREN, but the seventh letter in it is the I. Therefore, some sadist might be out there trying to call 1-800-ELECTRIFYMEPLEASE and accidentally get the serviceman. Meanwhile, there's a frustrated Condoleezza somewhere who can't get 1-800-ELECTRICE08.

Do you know what time it is? Super Hyper Colossal Car Watch Infinity! (For future FUFs, I think I'm going to have to revert to just calling it Car Watch because I'm running out of those adjectives. Unless someone wants to sponsor it and make it the Auto Zone Car Watch, for example. I'm accepting offers.)

After a round of golf with some friends, I saw a car parked next to me with a plate that read "GETACAT." What an odd thing to demand. I don't want a cat and you can't make me, fellow golfer. So there.

I saw a plate with "DS9*TRK" on it, as in "Deep Space 9, Star Trek." $10 says he was on his way home...to his parents' house.

Rockabye saw a license plate frame that said "Alumni...Univesity of Hard Knocks" with a plate that read "IBENTHR." I wish I had seen that so I could pull up next to it and do my "Ooooh, you're cooooool" look and gesture. I'll show you sometime.

You know how people sometimes write "Wash Me" in the dirt on a back windshield? Well I was behind a car yesterday in which someone had written something very different: "Can I touch that ass, Rich Boy? Bom Chicka Wow Wow. That's right!" Yes, I know that's a lot to write, but I assure you it was all there and in very nice fingermanship.

Lastly, remember when the "I Want to be Barbie, That Bitch has Everything" frame used to be funny? Yeah, me neither.

Have a great weekend, everyone. And all you fathers out there, I wish you the loveliest of Fathers' Days. Please write in to ptklein@gmail.com with anything at all, and I will be eternally thankful. Or for 60,000 miles, whichever comes first.