Hearing it my way

Good morning, gentle readers. I hope that wherever you are, today has found you well. While I normally save all of my Car Watch items for Fridays, there were two in particular that had something in common. Therefore, I'm going to take those and stretch the topic out into an entire post.

Both license plates were sent by my homey Rockabye. The first one read "BLVNGOD." He liked it because he said it could be "Believe in God" or "Be Lovin' God." I read it as the former, although I think it's an interesting command that likely probably won't push too many Atheists to change their minds.

He called me a couple of days later to tell me about another plate. Rockabye, that is, not God. He read off the letters of the plate: "A-S-N-O-N-T-V." Then asked me what I thought about it. "Cool, 'As Seen on TV.' I like it," I said. "You see, I read it as 'A Snow Native,'" he replied. That had never crossed my mind, even though that might be clearer than what I saw. The one S messes with my theory a little, but I still think I'm right.

The point is, there are things out there that can easily be taken two very different ways. We've all seen those pictures that can be two things depending on one's perspective, right? The two versions of those that I've seen most often are the vases/faces one and the old woman/hottie with a feather one. You know what I'm talking about, right? My lovely wife said that her old calculus teacher used to show them those pictures and say that they were just like advanced math since you can think you have it figured out and then BAM it's something completely different. I don't know about you, but that might be the nerdiest thing I've heard all week (and I hear plenty o' nerdy stuff, much of it out of my own mouth).

I have two stories to tell about dual-possibility situations. Naturally, the first involves Bob Marley. For years, I heard his song "I Shot the Sheriff" and debated with myself over the meaning. "I shot the Sheriff, but I didn't shoot the Deputy" could - and did - mean two things in my head. It was either "Two guys were after me. I was only able to kill one of them, and that's why I'm captured" or "I admit to killing one person, but I'm being framed for a second murder as well." They both made a lot of sense in my head, and literally for years, I wondered about this every time I heard the song. Then I did a little thing called "actually listening to the lyrics," and I realized that I'd been a moron for those literal years. Upon reading the lyrics, it's pretty clear that his only beef was with the Sheriff, and he's confused that people are hunting him down for the Deputy's death. I really should've consulted those a long time ago.

I did the same exact thing with another Bob Marley song. This time, it was "No Woman No Cry." For years and years, I only thought it was him saying that having a woman in your life brings difficulty and pain, kinda like "Mo Money Mo Problems." Then my friend Jon said the he always thought Bob was telling a ladyfriend to refrain from weeping. I saw his point, but stuck with the meaning I'd "known" for a long time. Then I listened to the lyrics once, including parts I'd sung along to 100 times. Namely, "Oh little sister, don't shed no tears/No, woman, no cry." Oops. It would've been nice to put those commas before and after "woman" in the song title to help me out a little, Bob.

Now it's time for story #2, and I apologize in advance for the potty-mouth nature of this one. Remember, please cover your own eyes first before assisting someone else. Back in the mid 90s, the MTV Movie Awards had a sketch that was a parody of "Pulp Fiction." I can't remember too many details of it, but I know they were bleeping out a lot of swear words. One such word occurred in a sentence that one character said to the other. Being highly skilled at lip reading, my friends and I could all tell what was really being said: "Fuck you where you breathe!" Everyone agreed that that was a funny and memorable line, but that's where the agreement stopped.

Somehow the actual meaning of that phrase came into question. A group of us, including me, thought that the person was basically saying that he was going to forcefully make love to the other person's face. More specifically, the mouth region. The others (not to be confused with The Others), led by Dave and Greg, thought someting quite different. As Dave put it, he thought the character meant, "Fuck you wherever you happen to be right now." Basically it was a fight between the anatomical camp and the geographical camp. And naturally, each side thought the other was nuts. I would ask Dave, "So, if he happens to currently be in Italy, then fuck him there, right?" "Yes," he'd say, "unless you think the nose and the rest of the respiratory system is where he means." I think the answer is 100% clear on this one, but I'd love to hear your thoughts on this as well, gentle readers (if you're willing to stoop to my level, that is). I'm willing to admit that I was way wrong for a long time with the Bob Marley songs, and hopefully Greg and Dave will come around to realize their error as well.

That's it for now. I hope at the very least, this post got some good songs in your head and made you see the respiratory system in a whole new light. Who knows, maybe the next time you say, "Wow, you really look good today," to someone and they reply, "So I looked like shit yesterday?" you'll think back to this post and laugh to yourself. Then that person will think you're laughing at him or her and get even more upset. On second thought, leave me out of that one. Still have a good day though.