One (de)fine mess

Hey everyone, do you know what today is? That's right! Flag Day! It's really too bad that the NFL season isn't underway right now, because announcers would be falling all over themselves to make some joke about Flag Day after a yellow penalty flag is thrown. The other announcer in the booth would laugh heartily, and maybe even repeat the words "Flag Day" after he calmed down a bit. And I'd be sitting at home thinking, "Gee, I didn't see that one coming. Way to go, guys." Like I said, it's too bad that won't be happening.

Since we've had a somewhat-formed theme of "games" this week, the time has come to stretch it out a little more and make a whole week out of this bad boy. I've all but exhausted my supply of in-class games from high school, but there's a whole bunch of family game-playing experiences that are waiting to spew forth (in a non-messy way, don't worry). Today, I shall write about "The Dictionary Game."

For those of you familiar with "Balderdash," it's basically the same thing except better. We played this for years and years before we had ever heard of the commercial version. Someone chooses a word from the dictionary and writes down the real definition. Everyone else but the player whose turn it is writes down a fake definition that they want the guesser to choose. The main differences are that we don't "fudge" any of the real definitions to make them sound weirder and we choose words that no one knows. In Balderdash, it's possible that someone picks a card and a few people already know it. In The Dictionary Game, each round starts with, "Ok, does anybody know the word..."

This way of starting a round has provided two very memorable moments in gaming history. The first came when the Klein family was having a little game night. It's tough to find a word sometimes, because you want to find one that no one knows and has a good-sounding definition too. It was my lovely wife's turn, and she'd been searching for a while. "Aha!" she said, "I got one. Does anybody know the word 'elater?'" We all said no, but right before we started putting our fake definitions down, my mom said, "Can I just say...is it a click beetle?" Amber's jaw dropped. "A click beetle," Amber repeated, pointing to the verbatim definition in the dictionary. "I thought it maybe sounded familiar, but I wasn't sure," my mom explained. As to why she knew an obscure name for an obscure insect, I can't say. Come to think of it, she also knows that "pismire" is another word for an ant, so maybe she's been secretly doing entomology crossword puzzles.

The second time we got a lot of enjoyment out of the beginning of a round was years later. Amber and I were hanging out with a few of her grad school friends, and being a nerdy group, we naturally gravitated toward board games. We played a few rounds of The Dictionary Game and everyone had gotten the hang of it. It was then her friend Matt's turn to pick a word. He flipped through the dictionary for a while and then found something. "Cool, wow, ok, does anyone know the word...'coitus?'" We all started laughing and said that we did indeed know that word, and at least a couple people added "interruptus" to the conversation. He immediately tried backtracking and pretending that he knew all along, but it wasn't even close to convincing.

Normally, I'm a very competitive person and want to win at everything I attempt. This game is very different for me. I don't care at all about winning. I want to make up funny definitions or just write bizarre things that make people laugh instead of real-sounding definitions that someone might guess is the real one. Do I have examples? Only a couple come to mind right now, but hopefully my family remembers more and can email me them for a FUF piece.

Once, the word was pfennig. The reader said something like this: "Pfennig: a kiln used for pottery in Ireland. Pfennig: a copper-coated coin used in Germany. Pfennig: She didn't look Jewish! Or Phennig: an early growth stage of a plant's stamen." Can you guess which was mine?

How about this one. "Piaffe: a woodland sprite in fairytales. Piaffe: the soft underbelly of a mollusk. Piaffe: a type of trot with a well-elevated leg action. Or Piaffe: the F-shaped S used in old documents that can be so confusing that you accidentally read the Constitution aloud in History class as 'Life, liberty, and the purfuit of happyneff,' and everyone points and laughs at you and says 'The clown, the clown, look at the clown!'" As you might guess, I didn't receive any points that round for fooling anyone, but I couldn't care less.

Of course, sometimes I would just enjoy making people read things out loud. Usually at my mom's expense, I think. I can remember her trying to read, "I can not be defeated! I destroy all men!" as if it were possibly the real definition. Another time, she had mocked one of my definitions, so the next time she was reading, I had her say, "Me bad woman. Me make fun of Peter when me shouldn't. Me bad. Me very bad."

Saving one of the best for last, I can't help but mention another time that stands out. It was my turn to pick a definition and read everyone's made up ones to that round's guesser. I took the pieces of paper from my family members and read through them once to make sure I could read them all aloud fluidly. "Ok," I said, "I'm going to read these exactly as they appear on the paper." My dad immediately knew what I meant. "Oh, wait, no," he said. "I must've left a word out or something. Can I have mine back?" I shook my head. "Come on," he pleaded. "I'm going to read these exactly as they appear on the paper," I repeated, and he slumped back down in his chair, bracing himself and resigning himself to the fact that I wasn't going to let this opportunity pass. Here was the definition he had written: "An knapsack worn Aborigine." By my count, there are at least three errors there, which made it so much better. I think my mom kept that piece of paper somewhere, and I'll try to remember to look for it next time I'm there.

So there you go. The game theme for the week has been extended. We have to play The Dictionary Game again sometime soon, for it's been way too long. Of course, now everyone's going to be super careful so they don't end up in cyberspace, so that could take a lot of fun out of it. Anyway, have a great rest of your Thursday (or reft of your Thurfday, if you will), and I'll see you back here tomorrow for some FUFing. And hey, you can always write to ptklein@gmail.com in the meantime. No one's holding you back.