Wayne on my parade, Part 2

Good morning, everyone. I'm going to continue the story I began yesterday. I hope that in the end, you will put this post in the small category of sequels that bested the originals. To my knowledge, people usually include "Terminator 2," "Aliens," "The Empire Strikes Back," and maybe "The Godfather II" in that group. I'm sure if they ever made "Howard the Duck 2," it would also be better than the original. Rarefied air indeed.

When we left off, I had just met my new roommate Wayne in the elevator of San Nicolas Residence Hall at UCSB. Within a couple of minutes, I thought I knew everything I needed to about him. He was a 26 year-old native of Taiwan who was very serious about finishing his Finance degree so he could continue running his international trade company. Those facts were enough for me to size up the situation and determine that since we obviously had nothing in common, my final quarter of my freshman year would be horrible.

We got into the room, and I felt very strange that I would soon be sleeping in these small quarters very close to a complete stranger. I know most people have strangers for roommates their freshman years and experience this on day one, but this was my room and I was suddenly uncomfortable in it. Here's the main problem that Wayne posed: he was the anti-Rockabye. We weren't going to be putting off studying to laugh about Tom Chambers' funny slam dunk in the video game we played growing up. We weren't going to put on bandanas, create special moves and names, and wrestle in the lounge. It was going to be more of a business relationship, and that didn't fit with the freshman year I'd created up to that point. I now laugh a little about it, but 26 seemed ancient to me at the time, and I just couldn't see how it could possibly work out.

As it turns out, I was a pretty stupid 18 year-old. The good times started quickly with Wayne and escalated even more rapidly. The first good news was that he scheduled his massive load of units to be just Tuesday through Thursday so he could go to LA for long weekends every week. That not only meant that I'd essentially have a single for 57% of the week, but also that he'd be in class for most of the other three days. I was thrilled to hear that at first, figuring it would lessen the shock. After about a week though, I was already wishing that he stayed in SB the whole time because he was just that awesome.

It started with us just having fun. The day after I met him, I suggested that we leave a new outgoing message on our answering machine. We wrote out the lines and I explained that we would take turns saying them. Here's how the first trial went:

Peter: Hi, this is Peter.

Wayne: AND THIS IS WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYNE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I couldn't continue because I was laughing so hard. We tried it a few more times, but his exuberance still kept catching me off guard. Finally, I was able to keep it together long enough to successfully record the message after about 20 attempts. I can't transfer his energy into text, but trust me that all caps means yelling.

Peter: Hi, this is Peter.

Wayne: AND THIS IS WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYNE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Peter: We can't come to the phone right now.

Wayne: SO! Leave a message.

Peter: And we'll call you back as soon as possib-

Wayne: BYYYYE!!!!!!!!!!!

(Beep)

Even after all of the takes, my voice was still quivering a little and bordering on losing it at any moment. It had only taken a couple of hours together for me to already be the straight man in our comedy duo.

Greg and I were eager to learn some Taiwanese from him, so he tried teaching us a little song. The only part that we ever memorized was (phonetically), "Suu ahhh, shung ahh keeee-EEEE, gum cha." We think that's the first line, but it could be the beginning of the second. According to Wayne, the song translated to, "When I stop to think about the sugar cane, it is sweet at both ends. Just like now that I am married, I shall have my wife and my mistress." I'd walk in singing it often and get a laugh 100% of the time.

That's another thing about Wayne: his laugh. It was as frickin' infectious as Ebola. It was a quick "Ha ha ha ha ha" that got bigger, faster, and higher pitched if you started laughing too. It made it impossible not to like hanging around with him. He'd laugh, you'd laugh, he'd laugh harder, you'd start laughing at his laugh, and this would go on for minutes at a time. I'll never forget one time when Wayne answered the phone. With his thick accent, I heard him say, "Hello? This is Peter. Ha ha ha ha HA HA HA HA HA HA," as he thrust the phone into my hand. It was my dad, and he was cracking up so hard on the other end of the line that I was concerned he'd forget to breathe at some point.

Aside from just being fun to hang out with, Wayne would play along with my silly games. I had a classmate coming over to study, and we planned something for it. The young lady used to often say that bad things "sucked ass," so I wanted Wayne to casually come in and use that phrase while she was over. A little while later, I'm sitting there with her going over some Spanish literature, and Wayne comes in looking distraught. "What's up?" I asked. "I had a very hard test today," he said. "How'd it go?" I asked. Trying desperately to hold back a smile, Wayne shook his head and said, "It sucked my ass. It totally sucked my ass. Ha ha ha ha HA HA HA HA HA HA!" It was his inclusion of "my" into the phrase that made me start laughing, which obviously made him laugh more. Meanwhile, my study partner just looked at us like we were morons. Fine by me.

On June 5 of that year, I dialed my future-wife's number and handed Wayne the phone. He sang her a slow, soulful, and almost entirely correct version of Happy Birthday before pausing and saying, "No, this is Wayne." He then laughed heartily and gave me the phone. She appreciated it and still does a pretty good imitation of his rendition.

The end of the year came, and I was sad to know that I'd be saying goodbye to my new buddy. He was in L.A. and thought he'd be coming back before I left, but things ran late so he called. He told me that I was a great roommate and that he had a lot of fun learning about the culture of the American youth from me. He was going to stick around next year and take some grad courses, so we would still be seeing each other. I had a phone number for him, and said that we'd talk over the summer.

Sadly, that was one of my last interactions with him. I saw him briefly on my way to class during the fall, but every time I tried the number he gave me, there was never an answer or a machine. I tried searching for him online and even sent some emails out a few years ago to other Wayne Lins, asking if they were my former roommates. I never heard back though from any of them. He said that he would be running for President of Taiwan in the year 2016, so I'll be following the international news around that time to see if that actually happens.

Even though we lost touch, the legend of Wayne grew. His was a story I could tell parents at Orientation who were scared about their kids' future roommates. They'd laugh when I'd start off by talking about our how different we were, and then they'd smile when I'd talk about how much fun we had learning from each other. In hindsight, when I stop to think about my freshman year, it was sweet at both ends. I started by learning within the safety of my comfort zone, then branched out and incorporated new perspectives into the environment. There's really nothing quite like a pleasant surprise coming from a place that once seemed hopeless. Maybe I should start on that "Howard the Duck 2" script myself...

Have a great day, gentle readers, and thanks for letting me talk about Wayne for two days. As I said yesterday, please send me any funny roommate stories at ptklein@gmail.com (or anything else about anything).