Good morning, everyone. Today is Monday, the most maligned day of the week. It's not really fair, but that's just the way it is. Monday, I believe in you. Don't let those assholes (The Bangles, Peter, Paul, & Mary, etc.) get you down.
For today's topic, I'm going to write about something that, in theory, half of you will sympathize with and half with empathize. That's right: facial hair. Men don't accessorize nearly as much as women, and growing facial hair is one way to do it. It also serves as a little way to exude manliness, since we don't do that by wearing tight clothes that show off our boyish figures. For those two reasons and the fact that I really don't like shaving, I've had several relationships with hair on my face throughout the years.
My senior year of high school, I had the bottom part of a goatee for several months. It was only the bottom part because my mustache didn't even come close to growing in. Regardless, it felt really cool and mature to be able to grow it, and I liked it because it helped me stand out a bit. I eventually shaved it a couple of days before graduation, and that made my mom very happy. She didn't dislike it, but she knew I was about to have pictures taken that we'd keep forever, so why have something that might just be a fad? Also, while she thought it was cute, I apparently have a long face and the goatee just accentuated that.
It wasn't gone for too long. I grew it again freshman year of college, but this time I let the 'stache come in as much as it could. Since this is the same time that I met the woman who would eventually become my lovely wife, all of the "Peter and Amber: The Early Years" pictures have my goatee as well. By Spring quarter, I had changed my mind again and shaved it once more. Fickle teenagers.
For today's topic, I'm going to write about something that, in theory, half of you will sympathize with and half with empathize. That's right: facial hair. Men don't accessorize nearly as much as women, and growing facial hair is one way to do it. It also serves as a little way to exude manliness, since we don't do that by wearing tight clothes that show off our boyish figures. For those two reasons and the fact that I really don't like shaving, I've had several relationships with hair on my face throughout the years.
My senior year of high school, I had the bottom part of a goatee for several months. It was only the bottom part because my mustache didn't even come close to growing in. Regardless, it felt really cool and mature to be able to grow it, and I liked it because it helped me stand out a bit. I eventually shaved it a couple of days before graduation, and that made my mom very happy. She didn't dislike it, but she knew I was about to have pictures taken that we'd keep forever, so why have something that might just be a fad? Also, while she thought it was cute, I apparently have a long face and the goatee just accentuated that.
It wasn't gone for too long. I grew it again freshman year of college, but this time I let the 'stache come in as much as it could. Since this is the same time that I met the woman who would eventually become my lovely wife, all of the "Peter and Amber: The Early Years" pictures have my goatee as well. By Spring quarter, I had changed my mind again and shaved it once more. Fickle teenagers.
Time passed, and I graduated college with my clean-shavenness intact, with the exception of some mini "finals beards" during the last week of each quarter out of laziness. A year or so later, I figured it was time to change things up again. (You have to realize, I can't do anything with my hair but wear it as it is; I need some way to alter my appearance a little from time to time.) So I walked into work with my new and growing goatee, and a British professor saw me from about ten feet away and said loudly, "Oh, I see you've got a little dickie!" Yeah, that got people's attention alright. Stupid British slang.
A couple of years went by with me and my goat. It served me well and may have made me look older, which was something I wanted at the time. I proposed to my wife with a goatee and she said yes, so it couldn't have been all that bad. I knew I didn't want it for our wedding though, so I did what any sensible man would: I didn't shave at all for two weeks before shaving it all off. In stages. Let me tell you, friends, it was glorious. My wife was so afraid of the horseshoe looking long mustache and long sideburns that she didn't even want to look at me for the minute it existed on my face. I made her take a picture of me with just a normal sized mustache, and two different people on separate occasions said I looked like "a 70s porn star." I really must have.
Fast forward a few years of smooth-cheeked Peter, and we're in Mexico on vacation. I hadn't shaved for three or four days and it was time to decide my path. "What the hell?" I thought, "Let's go crazy with this bad boy." I did shave my neck every couple of days to make sure the look was "growing a beard" and not "in need of a residence." As it came in more, I really liked it. Since I apparently have a long face, the full beard had a bit of a rounding effect. It only itched a little, and I felt more and more like someone who could possibly be the suave bad guy in a movie adapted from a Tom Clancy book. (My brother knows what I mean by that, even if nobody else does.)
We got back to the states, and I had another decision to make. Do I illogically keep a beard just as it's about to get hot for the summer, or do I abandon it all and go back to pre-Mexico Peter with his glistening cheeks and long face? I was almost positive my wife was going to request I shave it because "even though it was very cute, she likes how I look more without it." Instead, she said, "Try it out tomorrow; see what your co-workers say."
Co-worker 1: "Get rid of that thing, you're scaring the children."
Co-worker 2: "It doesn't matter what we think. If you like the way that looks, then you keep it."
A couple of years went by with me and my goat. It served me well and may have made me look older, which was something I wanted at the time. I proposed to my wife with a goatee and she said yes, so it couldn't have been all that bad. I knew I didn't want it for our wedding though, so I did what any sensible man would: I didn't shave at all for two weeks before shaving it all off. In stages. Let me tell you, friends, it was glorious. My wife was so afraid of the horseshoe looking long mustache and long sideburns that she didn't even want to look at me for the minute it existed on my face. I made her take a picture of me with just a normal sized mustache, and two different people on separate occasions said I looked like "a 70s porn star." I really must have.
Fast forward a few years of smooth-cheeked Peter, and we're in Mexico on vacation. I hadn't shaved for three or four days and it was time to decide my path. "What the hell?" I thought, "Let's go crazy with this bad boy." I did shave my neck every couple of days to make sure the look was "growing a beard" and not "in need of a residence." As it came in more, I really liked it. Since I apparently have a long face, the full beard had a bit of a rounding effect. It only itched a little, and I felt more and more like someone who could possibly be the suave bad guy in a movie adapted from a Tom Clancy book. (My brother knows what I mean by that, even if nobody else does.)
We got back to the states, and I had another decision to make. Do I illogically keep a beard just as it's about to get hot for the summer, or do I abandon it all and go back to pre-Mexico Peter with his glistening cheeks and long face? I was almost positive my wife was going to request I shave it because "even though it was very cute, she likes how I look more without it." Instead, she said, "Try it out tomorrow; see what your co-workers say."
Co-worker 1: "Get rid of that thing, you're scaring the children."
Co-worker 2: "It doesn't matter what we think. If you like the way that looks, then you keep it."
Ringing endorsements! Naturally, it was gone the next day. I think that was a good choice, because it was only a matter of time before someone said that I looked like I was emulating Ryan Seacrest on the days that he's trying to pull off the same maneuver. "Last night, we had almost double-digit readers and a whopping 5 comments, but it all comes down to today. THIS...is UOPTA." I really don't like that guy.
Ok, that's it for now. Be good to Monday, folks, it's a tough life it leads. And for Pete's sake (literally), send thoughts, questions, stories, Car Watch items, etc. to ptklein@gmail.com.
5 comments:
I like you with a beard. Who told you that you have a long face? Was it the same person that brought my long face to my attention when I grew a goatee? It's funny that I never knew it until SHE told me and now I accept it on faith. If you inherited it from me.....sorry.
"Oh, I see you've got a little dickie!" - These are not the kind of things that a mother-in-law should know! ; - )
Peter, Kevin would probably have the same history with his goatee. I love it. The only reason the poor man ever grew a beard was at my insistance - I think it looks cool.
The most clean shaven person I've ever met, and I broke him. He'd shave his head before he shaved off the goatee.
Don't forget those ridiculous - "The Carpenters" that said Rainy Days and Mondays "always get me down." Totally unfair if you ask me. At least Monday gets some props with Monday Night Football.
You are WAY better looking than Ryan Seacrest. (And I'm not biased at all!)
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