FUF #29

If you printed this post out and are currently reading it while going to the top floor in a large building, one might say you have...FUF in an elevator! Yeah, that was pretty forced. I said about a month ago that I'm running out of these things, and if you don't help me out by sending ideas to ptklein@gmail.com, you'll be subjected to more badly formed puns like that. That's not good for anybody. Good morning, my friends. It's good to see you again. Yes, today is another Follow Up Friday, so let's get right to F'ing U.

I spent the entire week talking about different food things, so some of my FU pieces of this FUF will also center around that staple of existence. First of all, I couldn't find a place to write specifically about my sushi-eating evolution. I can very clearly remember being at my friend Suzanne's old apartment for a party and deciding that I would try a California roll for the first time. I dipped it in a lot of soy sauce, asked if I was supposed to eat it all at once or bite it in half, then popped it in my mouth. I kinda liked it, which opened the door to me eating more California rolls over the next year or so. I then slowly branched out to the tuna family, and still eat regular and spicy versions of tuna, yellowtail, and albacore almost exclusively. Who knows, maybe five years from now I'll be having some smelt egg on unagi. I highly doubt it, since even typing that made my gag reflex say hello to me.

I wrote a bunch on Monday and Tuesday about spicy foods, and I failed to mention my relationship with Tapatio. I've brought it up somewhere in this blog before because I see I have a tag on the righthand side for "tapatio," but I should've included it somewhere this week. It's a great sauce, and it adds a great kick to whatever I put it on. I have a bottle at home and one at work with me, which comes in handy. If my co-worker Rob and I split a breakfast burrito in the morning, I'm able to make it even more glorious than it already is with a couple drops here and there. Cholula is very good too, but I'm a Tapatio guy. It cracks me up, because a bottle of it is around 70 cents at the market, and it lasts me a good deal of time. You just don't get that kind of value often enough nowadays, my friends.

Newish-but-very-loyal-reader Wendy wrote me an email this Wednesday to tell me that she noticed one of her co-workers was wearing white pants. White Pants Wednesday lives on! That made me very happy. I guess it's only a matter of time before all of my blog oddities (bloddities?) spread throughout society. I can't wait to see Paul Moyer end his newscast with "Shaloha," or hear a Sportscenter anchor yell "Watchoyos!" after a big dunk.

My boss's daughter was working in the office a little over the summer, and one day she was extremely bored and asked if I had anything for her to do. "Actually, yes," I said. "You know how PETA is the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals? Well I'm looking for a good 'ER' so PETER can stand for something similar." Naturally, that wasn't what she was expecting to hear. Still, she stuck with it and provided me with a few good ones. People for the Ethical Treatment of Emo Rockers tickled my fancy, as did Elderly Rockstars. "I'm sorry, Mr. Jagger, but I can't let you go on another tour. I'm here from PETER, and we think that would be detrimental to your health." I suggested that Erroneous Rabbis might need some protection. If they accidentally say that Isaac said something instead of Abraham, that could lead to quite the angry congregation. "Stand back, everyone. Rabbi, come with us; we're from PETER and we'll take you to safety." Gentle readers, I'm not being rhetorical here: what do you think the ER could stand for? Please comment away.

Last week, I wrote about the disclaimers at the end of radio commercials and how they bug me. A couple of days ago, I heard a commercial for McDonald's that ended with, "Breakfast available during breakfast hours only." I sure hope stating things that are that obvious doesn't become a trend. I'd hate to hear a commercial for Lakers' basketball end with, "Laker games only available on television during times that the Lakers are actually playing basketball. Some restrictions apply. Void where prohibited."

And now, will you please welcome to the stage...Car Watch!

First off, I was behind a car with a license plate frame for Aston Martin of Beverly Hills. The thing is, it was a frickin' Nissan Sentra. How does that happen? The two were so incongruous that I actually laughed out loud in my car. "Ha!" I said. Just one "ha," so it wasn't hilarious or anything.

I also saw a plate that read "IN2CARZ." At the same time? That's almost physically impossible. I looked pretty carefully and only saw the driver in one car, so I think he was full of shit.

My lovely wife saw a car in a parking lot with "(Heart) 2 PMS" as its plate. What else could that mean? The 2 really seals the deal for me. Just "I (Heart) PMS" and I'm willing to say it's someone's initials. Unless this is someone who loves two different Prime Ministers (say, Thatcher and Blair, for example), it's gotta be a woman with her tongue firmly planted in her cheek. The day after Amber told me about this plate, we saw it together in another parking lot. At least now I know that she doesn't make stuff up just to get a FUF shout-out.

My homey Rockabye sent me this plate that he spied: "GODSPRP." I'm asking seriously here - what does that mean? Is the person a perp for God? Is it an abbreviation (and a bad one) for "God's purpose?" Does the person think God is purple? I honestly don't know and request any insight you may have on this, gentle readers.

Rockabye also saw "MOC3" on the plate of a Porche. Even though they're exaggerating just a bit, I'm willing to let it slide. I wouldn't be so kind to a Nissan Sentra with that plate.

I'm pleased to announce that my longtime homeboy Silver sent in his first Car Watch item. The plate: "VEHICLE." I think he put it best himself when he wrote, "Really? I wouldn't have guessed that from the fact that someone was sitting inside the 4-wheeled contraption, going from Point A to Point B." Well said, my friend. I don't mean to nitpick, but that car could use a bumper sticker that says, "This vehicle can only be classified as a Moving Vehicle during times in which it is moving." Otherwise, people can get all screwed up.

Lastly, I saw a Nebraska license plate. That's it. I just don't see those very often.

Have a great holiday weekend, my friends. Ladies, if any of you are very pregnant out there, I think going into labor on Labor Day would be a hoot. Just a suggestion.

It's a small (intestine) world

While working within the wonderful bubble of the university system, everything was very touchy-feely and politically correct. It was a utopia, and we needed the language to reflect that. For example, to keep a positive spin on things, we encouraged students to "satisfy" or "fulfill" their requirements rather than "get rid of" them. It's just more positive that way.

In interviews, we'd ask people what their strengths were, and conversely, areas in which they would like to see continued growth. "You mean 'weaknesses'?" they'd ask. "We prefer to call them 'areas in which you would like to see continued growth', but yes, you got the point."

When constructive criticism was needed, we would use the "feedback sandwich" method. (I've since seen Stewie on "Family Guy" use this method, but he didn't call it that.) We would nicely state the suggested improvement between two positive comments. For example, after watching an academic presentation, I might say the following: "Ok, first of all, great energy and enthusiasm throughout the presentation - the students will really connect with you. Just a little note here: don't forget to mention that they need 184 units if they satisfy Area B with college level course work instead of the normal 180. Oh, and great work explaining the differences between the Ethnicity requirement and the Non-Western Culture Requirement. Those can be tricky!"

If the presentation wasn't very good, this method proved to be more difficult. I would end up saying something like, "Ok, first of all, nice printing on the posters - that'll help the students really get the most out of your presentation. I noted that you had some errors on your posters though, mostly located in...the information that the students need to know...in order to graduate. But I really like the sad faces in the Academic Disqualification section - nice touch!"

We sugar-coated everything and created the most positive environment possible. (It was fantastic at the time, although it was quite a shock to leave that bubble and be faced with bosses whose feedback sandwiches were open-faced and double meat.) We not only had team-building retreats, but an annual diversity retreat for our student workers to help them better understand the variety of students they'd soon be helping. My boss and I co-led these retreats, and we would cram exercises and discussions on race, gender, socio-economic status, ability/disability, sexual orientation and more into one long and draining day.

In my preparation for the diversity retreat one year, I came across an article explaining that we should stop describing the U.S. as a "melting pot." I was confused by this, because I always thought that was one of the good things about the country, that people all became Americans regardless of their background. What I learned, according to the article, was that "melting pot" suggested that people all assimilated and left their own cultures behind in order to become homogenous with the rest of the population. Instead, it argued, we should be a "cultural salad bowl" with several pieces each adding to the overall flavor of the dish. A salad of just lettuce is boring, right? Each added component retains its unique flavor, but in doing so, makes the whole salad better and more interesting.

Whether you buy that or not is unimportant. What is important though, is why I thought of this while having a snack this weekend. I started off with just a tortilla, and I was going to make what we refer to as "my thing," which is basically a quesadilla with turkey and some kind of salsa inside. I'm not at all claiming that I created this, it's just that I have it often enough that I can say I'm making "my thing" and my wife will know what I mean. Anyway, I decided to use some Havarti we had left over instead of the standard cheddar. I put some Tapatio on it to add a little kick, and then for some reason, a few drops of soy sauce.

Then I realized what I was doing. You see, I was turning my stomach into the cultural salad bowl, and I was damn proud. Here I had good ole American turkey breast, Danish cheese, Mexican sauce, and Japanese sauce all in one meal. I quickly surveyed my options to see how multi-national I could make this dish if I chose. Is the parmesan cheese really Italian like it's pretending to be? The olive oil probably is. Do we have any French or Russian dressing in the fridge? We have curry - is it Thai curry or Indian curry though? Could english muffins really be English muffins? Would the Quaker guy who makes oatmeal count as another one?

Even though I could've made my stomach a kick-ass cultural salad bowl, I ultimately remembered that I was making this snack because I wanted it to taste good. Any addition could've jeopardized the mission, so I stopped at four cultures. I also felt like I was getting into "quota" territory, and that was far from my intention.

Regardless, it was a tasty snack. If it asked for a review, I'd have to say, "Good job blending the different tastes together - my stomach will really appreciate that. One note here, maybe next time you can try a little less Havarti since it's a stronger taste than the cheddar I'm used to. Overall though, great execution and I'm sure I'll be seeing you again in the future."

Happy Monday, everyone.