Generally speaking

It's a wacky and wordy Wednesday, my friends. Notice that I didn't capitalize "wacky" or "wordy" because I'm not yet prepared to make this a regular feature. It's tempting, because I can already hear myself welcoming you to another edition WWW or maybe 3-Dub. But no, I'm not ready for that level of commitment. After all, we'll always have Hump Day, won't we?

I am going to talk about some words today though. Specifically, a group of words that I'm sure many of you have thought about. I don't even know what to call them though. We'll get to that later though. First, it's time for some back-story. While working at the university after graduation, even though I was thoroughly enjoying it, I knew that it was most likely not where I would be spending the rest of my working days. I had always said that I liked the field of advertising, but I didn't actually know anything about it. I thought about being really nerdy and buying some text books and learning the basics myself, but instead I found a class through the UCSB Extension.

It was called "Principles of Marketing," and it was taught by someone with some real life experience. I learned one major lesson from the class: I was so glad to be out of school. It reminded me almost immediately how little I missed studying, taking test, and writing papers. The class was ok, but I didn't really learn much at all. The instructor seemed to run out of lesson plan ideas and brought someone in to play the guitar in one of the later classes. Kinda strange, don't ya think?

In any case, what I remember most from the class (besides the guitar guy) was a video that the instructor showed us with a profile on the Rollerblade company. In it, a high-up executive started talking about how everyone was using "Rollerblades" to describe any pair inline skates. I thought he was going to say how great that was that their product had clearly taken over the whole industry. Instead though, he said that it's difficult because if people think that all inline skates are Rollerblades, then they won't seek out their brand in particular. They want to be known as the best of all inline skates, not just a general term for them.

That made a lot of sense to me, and those are the types of words I'm going to talk about today: ones that are actually trademarked brand names but are generally used for all products in their genre. What should we call these? Dispropered Nouns? I have no idea. Suggest away, gentle readers.

There are a few that come to mind immediately for me. First, Kleenex is pretty universally used for "facial tissues," right? Band Aid absolutely has the market cornered. How many times have you asked someone, "Excuse me, do you have an adhesive bandage?" I'm pretty sure Frisbee is a brand name, which makes me wonder what the generic ones are even called. Plastic flying discs? That has to be frustrating to the company. Unless they launch a campaign that says, "If it doesn't say 'Frisbee' it's not the real thing!" then things will stay as they are. And seriously, at this point their product probably isn't noticeably better than any generic competitor. Same with the Hula Hoop, if that's also a brand name.

What else is there? Xerox seems like it's lost a little of its universality to me. While I probably would've referred to most things as "Xerox machines" a few years back, they're more specialized now. I'll think of "copiers" or "laser printers" instead of jumping to the Xerox umbrella. One thing that's cool about that one though is that it became a verb. Xeroxing, like Rollerblading, Googling, and even Tivo-ing has caused the brand names to have an even greater impact on their respective industries. (Should Tivo be on this list? I feel like DVR is getting more widely known, so probably not.)

What am I missing? Time to consult los internets. Aha! I found a great site:
http://www.prairienet.org/~rkrause/brands.html

Wow. They're called "American Proprietary Eponyms" according to this site. And there are some great ones on here that I didn't think about (and some I don't agree with).

I didn't realize that Cola was trademarked as part of the Coca Cola Company. That's a big one. Popsicle is another that I never associated with a particular brand but use across the category. Wite-Out I should've thought of on my own, because that's a perfect example. Ooh, Styrofoam is a trademark of Dow Chemical Company. Very interesting (at least to me). Escalator is a brand name? I'm guilty on all counts with that one. There are a few more on there that totally blow my mind, so you should check it out.

Then there are a few that I don't agree with. I don't use "Listerine" to speak for all mouthwashes. I don't use "Jeep" for all vehicles of that nature either. "Twizzlers?" I pretty much just use that to describe...Twizzlers. Same goes for Kool-Aid; otherwise it's just punch to me.

Just thought of another: Jacuzzi. Totally. Ok, that's it for now. I'm sure there are more out there that we all use, so if any come to mind, please let me know. I'm really enjoying this, by the way. Also, check out that site, because I'd like to hear which ones surprise you and which ones you disagree with. Have a great day, gentle readers, and watch out for the inline skaters throwing flying plastic discs while blowing their noses with facial tissues. Oh they're out there alright.

Like minds

I have a good friend named Dusty, and we often think alike. Strangely, eerily alike. Here are two examples of what I mean:

1. In 11th grade, nutcase/English teacher Mrs. Dunlop tells the class, "Remember, kids, nothing lasts forever." At the same exact moment, Dusty and I turn to each other and both say the word "Styrofoam." It's true, practically, but that was an odd conclusion for two people to come to quickly.

2. Coming back from lunch senior year, we hear the parking lot guards talking about carpet. "Wow," one of us said, "you must be bored when you start talking about carpet." Three seconds of silence went by, then at the same time, we both said, "Here we have a nice berber." I'm not sure why I said that exactly, and even less sure why someone else would.

When we were on an improvisational comedy team together, this shared-brain phenomenon came in quite handy. We could set each other up for jokes that others wouldn't see coming. I remember once in a scene having some kind of emergency. "Oh no," I said, "I'd better dial 911!" I picked up the imaginary phone and dialed. On the other side of the stage, Dusty picked up another imaginary phone. "Extension 11," he answered. "Damn it," I yelled, "I forgot I had to dial 9 first!" He saw that coming, and I knew he would.

I have many more examples of this (including time with a board game called "Telepaths"), and I used to relate them often to my old boss, Kim. At one point, I remember her sighing and saying, "Ah, everyone should have a Dusty."

Despite all of these examples, I was still shocked a few years back when it happened again. We were walking back to my office from lunch, and out of nowhere he asked me this question: "Do you know what song has the most ridiculously bad syntax in order to force a stupid rhyme in its last line?" He was about to tell me when I told him to give me a minute. Then I lit up, "Yes, yes I think I know what you're gonna say - the stupid 'What If God Was One of Us' song, right?" I was right, of course, and here in all its glory is the last part of that song:

Just trying to make his way home

Like a holy rolling stone

Back up to heaven all alone

Just trying to make his way home

Nobody calling on the phone

'cept for the Pope maybe in Rome

Man, I frickin' hate that song to begin with. I know that Joan Osborne found a good amount of success with that song, so it obviously worked on some level. But "'cept for the Pope maybe in Rome" really pisses me off (and Dusty too). If she was set on keeping that line at the end, at least something like "Except perhaps the Pope in Rome" would make grammatical sense. Unless she means that the Pope may or may not physically be located in Rome currently, she messed up the line. It's choppy, nonsensical, and just plain stupid in my book. The song is bad enough without that line that Dr. Evil even mocks it in one of the Austin Powers movies with his "blah blah blah blah one of us" rendition.

When I heard that song recently in a public place, I thought ahead to the last line and it angered me. I was much happier before Dusty brought that to my attention, because I was just wholly dismissing the song and not giving any consideration to it whatsoever. It's one thing for a song not to take its lyrics seriously - I'm fine with that. "Why Don't We Do It in the Road" or "Tequila" for example.But if you're trying to have a thought-provoking and deep song about some of the largest questions in the universe, you just can't end it like that. It's like baking an apple pie, stepping on it, and drizzling motor oil on top of it before serving it to your guests. You started off with a pretty good idea, Ms. Osborne, but the execution was off just a bit.

Please note that I am trying my best to ignore the fact that she seriously thought "Just a slob like one of us" was a good enough line to feature it three or four times in the song. I'm really, really trying. Ok, time for real work. Happy Monday everyone.